Custody Battle w/ NH....

[kaylebsmommy702]

Ok so I posted a few weeks ago under custody battle with a N... And I got such great advise... In 2 weeks I have a fast-track evaluation with my 5 y/o boy and his NF. (whom my son defends to the death.. no matter what the subject is- I could say isn't that apple good? and the response will be yea but my dad has better apples.)  AARGH!!! It is so frustrating and I am worried that when I finally get this therapist in the same room my frustration is going to come pouring out!! I have documented everything down to things my son says like "if you love me you would have a car". His father fills his little head with such nonsense I want the therapist to know that but when I read through the pages upon pages of documentation that I have, I feel from a courts stand-point I am going to look like the vindictive ex ( and Im sure he will be helping me look like one...) This court date is going to decide if I can leave this state (ca) and move back home with my parents (nv) so I can go back to school (i had my son at 17 and have been raising him since). I had to petition the courts b/c when I told my NH about my plans, he stated why should I get to have a career if he had to give his up when our son was born?. (We have been broken up since I was  6 mos pregnant and he has been trying to control me ever since.) Basically what I am asking the posters on here is if you have posted on this subject before please let me know when and where so I can be as prepaired as possible when I see the therapist... and if anyone else has been or is going through this any advise on how and what to say to this person who will ultimately be deciding my fate will be greatly appreciated. I am so greatful for all of you and I will let you all know what happens in court!!!

KM

[lighter]

I'm not one of the people who gave you support or advice but, it sounds like you're feeling strong and taking care of business. 

Please come back and tell us how everything goes and GOOD LUCK!

[Ami]

I am so sorry that you are going through this stress and pain. I have not been in that particular"storm" so I cannot give direct advice. However, I want you to know that I will pray for you to have the best possible outcome for you and your son.                         Love and Hugs    Ami

[Hopalong]

Hi Kayleb's Mom,
I've never dealt with a custody fight either but would like to offer you support.

Only thing I can think to ask is, is there something in your documentation that makes you think it will be interpreted as vindictive?

If it's full of asides and comments or sarcasm, I can see there might be a problem. But if it's objective, clear recounting of What Happened...I can't see how it could hurt.

If there are any problematic entries, could you photocopy them, and have an objective friend who's good with words look them over, and highlight any areas that seem overemotional, slanted, or sarcastic? Then you could retype or edit those pieces to be calmer, and serve your cause better.

Just a thought, for what it's worth.

I hope others here can help more.

Hopalong

[WRITE]

Hi Kaylebsmommy702

my situation is that when we separated over three years ago my NPD h said he wanted my son, initially I was resistant, but my son going back and forth was too difficult after a while, he now has him full-time with my blessing and support.

Everyone has to do what is best for their family and I know my son loves his dad who is trying very hard to be a good father; he can't do part-time, if he isn't focussed on something he just doesn't have the empathy to think about it enough.

They are very happy living together and I held off the divorce until I was sure they can cope. Son is now 11 and though I would have liked a more healthy male role model ex has enough good qualities and he's not the only significant adult in son's life...it'll be okay.

The psychologist says he's fine, she just urged me to stop putting him in the middle of us two.

I'm about to finalise that this week.

I really don't mind who raises my son so long as he is healthy and happy, and engaging in a battle with my husband would be a mistake and last years.

Incidentally the friend in England who inspired me to be like this is still fighting her ex 6 years later, they go back and forth to court and I just heard from her very upset that the daughter now age 12 has asked if she can stop seeing her mother.

The psychologist told me that a while back- children can't handle being between two people and being forced to take sides.

I feel like my friend has locked into a battle which no one can 'win' outright, I suspect her husband is NPD though he's not had it diagnosed.

Is your ex diagnosed NPD? That probably goes in your favour.

I believe in minimising battling with the NPD, they really lock in and almost enjoy the attention and arguing. It becomes about proving superiority and who is right and what is fair etc....

why should I get to have a career if he had to give his up when our son was born?.

somebody has to be the grown up I think, and often an NPD person can't. Their insecurity is really bad.

Good luck, and know that there are people here who have been through hell and survived and their kids are doing okay now.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[kaylebsmommy702]

Ok so yes,CB, he is also part of this evaluation. So do you think if he REALLY is N that will show in the evaluation? And it is not that my documentation is vindictive it is just very extensive and through. Like who said what where I was when it was said, where they were if it was a phone conversation and exactly what was said word-for-word. I feel if he succeeds in getting this therapist on his side (which we all know N's are good at) that it will seem like I am going out of my way to prove hes nuts. Thanks for the great advise!

-KM

[Hopalong]

Good for you, KM.
Sounds like your documentation is perfectly appropriate.

And I like CB's idea of the summary alternative in hand.

You're telling the truth, KM. A trained expert will know.

and WE know.

hugs
Hops

[debkor]

KM,

All you have to do is tell the truth.  They expect you to be nervous so don't worry about that. Just be yourself.  I worked for an agency where we did court appted custody cases.  We did the same as what CB described.  It was done with the Psychologist, Psychiatrist and a trained MSW.  They all saw the children and parents. The written test will show a basic on your personality.  Some of the questions on the test we had were something like this.  Do you like popular Mechanics,
Do you sometimes hear people that are not really there. Those are the only two I can remember right now.  I agree with CB about keeping a copy of the notes but wait until you get in there and what they ask and request of you.

We had a Dr who had full custody of his daughter.  His wife was a nurse who was abused (mentally) from him. He tried so hard to discredit her because she had developed a drinking problem but was in recovery for 6 months.
Well KM, it did not turn out in his favor and mom got shared custody back.  Then you should of seen him unmask in full blown living color.
He called me and tried to boss me around and ripped me up and down, inside, out.  Was not a smart thing to do.
Went right into the report.

KM,
Just be calm, be yourself, tell the truth and give him enough rope to hang himself.

Good luck to you.

Love
Deb