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Despair vs Survival

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rosencrantz:
I don't really understand what's going on any more.

Aren't you getting a little bored with baiting me??  I'm not really flattered by your attention, you know.  Just struggling with my own issues.  Perhaps being a bit too 'clever'.  But you know I won't give up.  If I give up, I die.

A couple of posts have managed to leave me feeling suicidal this afternoon.  Does that make you feel good?  Well, congratulations - if that's the best you want out of your own life.  I'm sorry you had such a bad life.  My mother did that to me, too.  I struggle with that.  Not that I  ever told anybody.  I can't ask for help.  It would mean asking someone to choose between me and my mother.  I couldn't do that.  And anyway, I'd lose.  I'm on my own here.  I've always been on my own.   All alone.  Isolated.  An only child.  Struggling.  Hidden away.

That's why nobody knows how much pain I'm in.  Nobody ever knows. I won't feel sorry for myself.  I won't cry.  That's how I chose to handle my mother, too.  I didn't realise.  The means of survival - resistance - was my choice but that's what she tried to do.  "If only you'd cry, I'd know I'd got through to you."  But I will not be beatem down by spite and obfuscation.  You can try to make me crazy.  You can try to beat me down all you like.  But I won't give in.

I don't ask anyone to rush to my side, I don't manipulate people into supporting me (like my mother would).  Do I?  In fact I do the opposite - keep out - you don't have to rescue me -  I will look after myself.  I'll take responsibility for myself.  I will face the consequences.

But why the baiting?  Why the 'meanness'?  Why not answer a simple question with a simple answer?  Why?  Why define me in ways which don't make sense?  

All I can see is that I'm exposed again and it won't stop.  But I won't stop, either.

As I said, I don't understand what's going on any more.  No - I give up trying to understand.  'Understanding' means bad things happen.  I had a happy time on this forum until one particular thing happened, and it's been spitefulness and craziness and revenge ever since.  But, if I dare to say that, I'll just get clobbered all over again.  OK - I dared say it - so come and get me again.

But that's all about my mother, too.  NO - it's here, too.  And I'm just totally, totally, totally out of my mind with :shock:  And all that comes next is how tedious and boring all this is.  Well, I have a right to be heard too - you hear my pain now - you put up with me being boring and tedious.  You can say 'Here we go again' as much as you like.  You can sigh as much as you like.  I'm here and I'm staying put.

MY PAIN GETS HEARD, TOO.
R

Wildflower:
In another post, I asked you go out and play, and I hope you are because I can tell you’re incredibly drained right now, but when you’re feeling better and have time, there’s one little thing you said here that really struck me.


--- Quote ---I can't ask for help. It would mean asking someone to choose between me and my mother. I couldn't do that. And anyway, I'd lose.
--- End quote ---


I don’t know your mother, but I can tell from what you've written here that she’s been misbehaving for a long, long time.  Misbehaving in ways that have deeply hurt you.  You’ve pulled through, though, and you have a life now, even though you’re sorting through so much at this time.  But what I want to know is, why would I, Wildflower, have to choose between you and your mother if you asked for help?  I’m not trying to take your statement personally, but I am wondering what you mean by saying this…what’s behind this.

Again.  No need to respond right way.  I was just wondering if this might be something that gets in the way.

Take care,
Wildflower

Karin:
Rosencrantz,
I want you to know that I can see now how much pain you are in. It's more than what you want to admit to and I want to let you know that you will find support here, so don't ever think that you're alone.
Some of us are in a position to be able to support you, some aren't. You CAN ask for help, especially here. I really don't think that anyone is 'out to get you'.
 
You said you were 'very hurt' when your mother asked for her jewellery back. I remember thinking when I read that if I were you I would've told her that she can't have them back, she gave them to you and she could shove THAT up her.. etc. I learnt that it was up to me let go of my mother, because she couldn't. And when I did, she did. Peace at last.

You are terribly confused, that's obvious and I think you need to refocus on your mother and not let recent other events blur what the root of your problem is; your mother.

Keep going, you'll make it.
Karin.

Wildflower:
Hi Rosencrantz,

I hope I'm not being an annoying buzzing bee right now, but this has been banging around in my head since reading your post:


--- Quote ---"If only you'd cry, I'd know I'd got through to you." ... You can try to beat me down all you like. But I won't give in.
--- End quote ---


When my mother was in her teens, my grandmother used to randomly go into her bedroom (invade her space) and refuse to leave until my mom 'admitted' that she hated her.  Of course, my mom would finally get beaten down into saying this in order to get my grandmother to leave her alone.  And I'm sure, on some level, my mom DID hate her for making her crazy like that, but it was still a horrible thing to make my mother say.  How traumatizing? :shock:   And in a kind of twisted way, my mom wasn't allowed to do the normal teenager thing and hate her mother.  Even that was taken away from her.  It just struck me that it may have been a similar experience to hear your mother accuse you of being unfeeling and refusing to leave you alone until you "broke".

Anyway...not sure if that helps.

Take care,
Wildflower

Anonymous:

--- Quote ---A couple of posts have managed to leave me feeling suicidal this afternoon.
--- End quote ---


Nobody can MAKE you feel any feeling . . .

FEELINGS ARE A CHOICE!!  TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS AND HOW YOU CHOOSE TO FEEL!!

Stop blaming everyone else and look in the mirror!  Take a break and get yourself together and take responsibility for your own actions.

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