One relationship after another

[gareth]

I have recently split with my partner of 3 years, and entered another before the last was even over,
this is proving difficult for me at the moment because I am aware of the ridiculous and hurtful nature of what I am doing
to both my partner and myself!!
This has pushed me further to investigate what any issue with me might be, as prior to this I was in a
another relationship  overlap, I knew something was up with me?

I am fearful as this behaviour might repeat itself in the future even though I very much love my current partner,
and want to settle down with her possibly marry and have children. My past partners I have hurt terribly and I have great
remorse it makes me wonder if I have the capacity to have a fulfilling relationship at all.

I have come to the conclusion that I am blame, and visiting this message board has given me a few revelations.
I am the a middle child and throughout my youth was never heard for many years this being because my older brother
always argued with my mother so he and her were the only ones heard in the house, I rarely spoke, my non existence
gave rise to be burying myself in school work, this  continued  throughout my teens where I became the academic
one in the family, still looking for some voice through my qualifications, which never came. even after gaining an MA Degree.
I have a healthy relationship with my brothers, but not my parents and
the need to heal this repetitive cycle in my relationships and the relationship I am in for the future has drawn me to
this message board.

[Ami]

Dear Gareth,
  I am happy that you had the courage to write. It is really hard to write that first post(IOM).
 You are seeing troublesome patterns and want to face them .
  The impression that I got from your post is that it will take time to change long held ways of looking at life and at yourself.
  I am finding that most of my problems stem from a misperception of myself . I learned this in my FOO. Now, as an adult my life is not working. I have faulty"programming" and my life is running accordingly.
  You will find help and support if you keep sharing. You will find who you are again and then the decisions will seem clearer(IOM)                           Hugs to you Ami

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Gareth.

I am sorry, but also glad for you...that the consequences have alerted you to something wrong. It's good that you're claiming responsibility for your actions. That's a big first step.

In a simple way, the always-overlapping relationship pattern might be about fear, do you think? Such as fear of being alone, fear of not being adequate (despite the degrees), fear of abandonment so you act out abandonment first via infidelity.

Ring any bells? You might have felt very abandoned by your mother when all her focus was on battling your brother. I would have.

I hope you will share all you like here.

best,
Hopalong

[Green]

Hi Gareth,

This is a really brave first step for you, and I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on it. 

My first thoughts on reading your post were that I have experience with relationship-jumping, as I called it.  I either dated really rotten guys (in some twisted effort to relive and "fix" a relationship dynamic with my parents), or I dated nice guys who I soon dumped. I hurt some nice guys because I figured on some level that if they liked me (and I was really messed up) then logically there must be something wrong with them. Fear of being alone and unloved kicked in, so I moved on to fall in "love" with the next guy, quick.

Feel free to share your insights about your patterns here.  writing about it might really help you to sort things out.

Green

[Bella_French]

Gareth,
I think the fact that your main motivation for investigating this behaviour is because you are afraid of hurting people, pretty much shows that your values and heart are in the right place. And yes, of course you can change your behaviour. Your own behaviour is one thing you can absolutely control about your life. I think you're probably an honorable person with good intentions, but have found yourself bowing to the whims of some unconscious motives that you don't understand. You are not a cruel person; the problem seems to be that you just don't know why you do what you do. 

I really can't anwser that question for you, but I can share what I consider to be some common reasons for pattern infidelity:

-Your relationships are basically loving and happy, and at some point that love becomes so close and  important to you that you fear it will slip away. You have this fear because deep down, you feel unworthy of love. So you sabotage the relationship before your fears have a chance to be realised.

OR- You rush your relationships and become addicted to sex. The feeling of being high on new love and sex overwhelms you and distorts reality. You leave your partner because, by comparison, your feelings for her pale compared to the `intense high' associated with a  new lover. When eventually the `high' feelings you have for your new lover wear off, you either find that you are not very compatible with her, and/ or you miss the `high' feeling, and put yourself in situations where you might meet a new lover.

Which of these scenarios (if any)  do you think applies to you?

[gratitude28]

Hi Gareth and thanks for sharing your life with us.
I would say what jumped out at me most in your post is that you have NO clear thoughts on where you are now.
You are saying, "I hurt people," "I love my partner right now," "I shouldn't be with this person right now," and many other conflicting ideas - all together.
I would recommend spending some time TRULY by yourself. No relationships. No short term, no long term , no one-night stands. I have a deep feeling that you don't know yourself, so I think you couldn't possibly begin to know what you could bring into a relationship - good or bad.
Does this make any sense to you? If you really care about your new partner, I would respect her and tell her that you need to bring your best self into a partnership with her.
Take care and keep us posted.
Love, Beth