I'm doing it....

[sweetgrass]

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all the hugs& acts of kindness that all of you have sent. It means a lot to be able to know that someone can actually understand what I am experiencing. I have tried talking to my friends, but
they just can't understand why I am having such a hard time?? I guess I understand their questions& confusion concerning the situation. I say to everyone that doesn't understand,"you have to have walked beside him to understand."

Any way, I'm doing it, I am getting along with life. Life, such as it is. It has be 10 days of NC. To a lot of you 10 days may seem small, but for me, it has been years. I miss him terribly! The weekends are the pits! I have way to much time on my hands. I am exercising a lot, cleaning my house, visting my mother, and just trying to relax. I still am not focusing. Not able to read a book, or follow a lot of directions. My thoughts about certain things are off beat with others. I feel sort of like I have been brain washed. That may be a little strong, but at the least, I have heard certain things said so long one way, that when I hear others talk about it, I am a little confused if what they are saying is right or wrong?

I am sleeping better, but I still haven't slept a complete 8 hrs in a long long time.  I wake up in a panic, and the very first thought that comes to mind is that he is gone. I cry a lot, and I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I know, I probably will never get answers. I still wonder why....
I have not gotten to the angry stage as of yet. I am still stumbling in the dark.

I see my therapist weekly. He knew right off what I had been dealing with. He says what everyone says, "No Contact" is the only way to get on with my life. I am to never have any contact with him again. He says he may come back, and others say the same.

Honestly, my thoughts are with him. I'm sorry but I have to be honest. I am really trying to focus on other things, but at this moment my mind is on him., I take each minute, second,and hour one step at a time.

After all it is what it is....I've been dumped by something better according to my boyfriend of 3 1/2
years...

Sweetgrass
 

[Ami]

Dear Sweet,
   YEAAAAH for you. I am so very happy for you. Ten days is really a big,huge accomplishment. It is probably like "stopping smoking" as difficult and gut wrenching as it has been for you.
 Until the board,I have not met people who had my particular life experience(N mother).
 I can so relate when you say that you feel that other's don't understand. This was one reason that I got more and more isolated. I felt that I was alone in a one man boat straight to hell.It was a world where I was tho only one who had lived an Alice in Wonderland life.
  I want to assure you that you are not alone. I am so happy for you. A much better "Prize" than any guy is your own self esteem and self respect. Then ,after you get this, you will chose a good guy. Your 'picker" will be better. Keep Writing. I love to hear from you, Sweet                   Love Ami

[lighter]

Well Sweetgrass:

This is a death and your going through the stages, but on steroids.  This isn't your regular run of the mill mourning period.  You're still doubting your reality and what your N meant to you, wanted for you. 

You haven't replaced the feelings for him yet.  You will.  You're doing great just filling the space with other things and eventually you'll go through anger and enter into acceptance.  Find other things and people to care about.  Hopefully they'll build you up and help you enforce your boundaries.

You'll realize, at some point, you're happy to be alive again and you'll wonder how things changed.  They will.  I promise.  Congrats on the 10 days NC.  I know it's tooth and nail hard.  Keep it up, starting over again isn't going to do anything but prolong the agony and I don't want that for you. 

As the saying goes, don't suffer twice.   

[Brigid]

Sweetgrass,
It will be awhile before you have the ability to concentrate in order to read or follow movies or TV.  I took up knitting scarves during that time in order to keep my hands busy (it was late fall, so there weren't a lot of options).  Nothing complicated--just mindless, simple knitting that allowed for a nice finished product at the end.  I also found that keeping a journal was a very helpful tool for releasing my anger and frustration.  As time went on, I could go back and read my thoughts and see how far I had come in recovery.  At this time of year, you could consider gardening or other outdoor activities to keep you busy.  Weekends will always be the pits until you are ready to move on with your life.  I absolutely dreaded Fridays during that time.

You might consider some sleep meds--at least in the short term, in order to get enough sleep to function.  I don't know if you are on AD's, but they can help with the consuming thoughts of him.  I remember wishing someone would just put a needle in my arm and let me go to sleep until it was all over.

You're doing great and I promise that it will get better.  Keep up the NC, find new ways to live your life, and you will find your way to the light.

All the best,
Brigid

[teartracks]

Hi Sweetgrass,

About the sleeplessness ...in a fairly recent thread Chlor trimeton was mentioned by Stormchild as an over the counter aid for sleep.  Sorry, I can't direct you to the exact thread.   Maybe someone else can take you to it.  Or speak with your pharmacist about its usefullnes for sleep. 

I'm glad you're keeping a level head about your ex.  Time feels like your enemy now because you have to deal with all the emotion.  But in the big picture time will turn out to be your very good friend.   Each hour, each day of distancing yourself from him moves you closer to overcoming the pain.  Keep at it.  It works...

tt

[debkor]

Hey Sweet,


It's OK.  One day at a time.  This is normal how you are feeling.  I felt the same.  I have been through all the same motions.  Don't you wish you could just skip those few steps and go right to I'm over it. It will come but at your own time.  It's different for everyone.  It will be ups and downs and eventually things will smooth out for you.

So sorry you are going through this.  I remember those days.  ((((sweet)))).

Love
Deb

[Bella_French]

Congratulations Sweetgrass; I can totally relate to what you're going through and the agony of staying away from someone who you love so much. You have been so very brave, hon. If you keep going this way, it will get so much easier, I promise. The only time it gets harder is if you make contact again, and then have to start the process all over again with the feeling that you abandoned your dignity and common sense.

I believe your therapist is right; `No Contact' is the only way forward. The ONLY way. You have to give yourself a chance to fall out of love with him, and that can take a very long time because real love isn't a switch you can just turn on and off at will. But time away does have a way of clearing the fog and awakening you to your sense of outrage and contempt for someone who was so utterly cruel to you. It will defnately happen! Just don't contact him! Do everything to shut him out of your life. NC is your friend:)

X hugs. i am thinking of you:)

[axa]

SWeet,

WELL DONE YOU ARE DOING FINE.  I know it does not feel like this but it is perfectly normal what you are feeling.  I remember also the confusion, the loss, what seemed like the unbearable pain.  They fill up every corner of your life so it is natural that the emptyness seems huge.  Keep cleaning, keep writing, keep posting.

XN came back to see me last friday.  I had stuck by the no contact rule.  I did not respond to him, gave him no supply.  I was nervous about the first time I would meet him since I threw him out and you know what.  IT was fine.  I SAW him for the first time.  I saw a smarmy creep looking for supply.  I saw through the sweet little boy smiles, the hooks, the words I saw what they were, nothing other than a game and he expected me to be the pawn that responded.  I knew if I said one word I would end up listening to more of his bull and it would be all about him.  I am so happy to tell you that six months down the line I would not have the creep back if he came with the lotto.

You and I and everyone else on this board deserves better than an abuser.  This is what time will teach you, it has me.  I think about this time last year and the anxiety, confusion, fear, pain I felt. I cannot believe that six months down the line I feel so different.  In time you will SEE him.

Something which helped for me is I wrote a long long list of what the relationship was like, just bullet points.  There were two positive things on the list, he was funny and he was smart, the list took up nearly two pages.  I read and reread over and over again the TRUTH of the relationship and eventually the penny slowly began to drop.  I was nothing other than supply, a machosist to his sadist.  It may help for you to write a list........

I am sending you love and hugs because the pain you are experiencing now is so raw and young, it will change.

Posting over and over again here really helped me.  The people here know.  You are right unless you walk with an N you cannot imagine the madness.

Great book is "Stalking the soul" would recommend it.

xxx

axa