Reading through old journals

[tayana]

Three years ago, I had started the process of moving out, the same process I'm in now.  I am very determined to leave now, just like I was a few years ago, when I first found this board.  I wondered why I had let that process go, so I read through my blog entries.  There were some that really stood out, especially ones written just before a vacation I'd planned with a friend.  We were going to a sci-fi convention in Alabama.  We ended up not attending much of the convention at all, and just doing fun things, but that was nice too.

Here's an excerpt from one of my entries:

Yes, it sounds silly, and it might be. She's currently not speaking to me, and my father is insisting that I try to talk to her.

"She won't talk to me," I said.

"Yes, she will."

"No, she won't. All she does is scream and yell and make me feel like shit. I don't need that."

"You need to talk to her."

Well, actually, I don't need to. I rather like it when she's not criticizing or pumping me for information. I am going to have to talk to her I suppose, so that maybe she'll be a little nicer when Friday comes. I'm half afraid to come home and find my stuff sitting in the yard.

And then a few days later is this entry, where not only did I get a punch from my mom, but also one from my father.

http://tayana.blogspot.com/2003/10/it-was-beautiful-day.html#links


And then this conversation the day we left for our trip.  I actually remember my son asking, "Why are you crying?"

As we were leaving, my mother cried all over M, gave him a bit of spending money, then looked at me as if I was hellspawn and said, "Good-bye." I just shook my head (I was already teary-eyed from her balling all over Michael who couldn't wait to go.).

"I'm so glad to see you care about me."

"I do care about you."

"You haven't acted like it all week."

"Well neither have you. I had to go to the doctor to get more medicine because of you, and I may be in the hospital when you get back."

I said, "Fine." I shouldered the last of my bags and walked out the door. She followed me of course.

"You're just going a whole lot of miles on a wild goose chase. I've been to these things before. I know how it goes."

I didn't say anything, just shook my head and started for the door. "M's going to be with you the whole time right?" She followed me as far as the outside door.

"Yes." I shut M's door and turned around to her. "It really hurt me that you thought I'd leave him in the hotel room and go off somewhere without him."

"I didn't say that."

"Whatever."

I got in the car and drove off, crying my eyes out. Yes, that's how the wonderful weekend started. It took a couple of phone calls and a lot of miles before I finally got calmed down.

I read a little further.  Just after our vacation, my aunt and uncle visited, and then we had to be the perfect family.

My aunt and uncle came today. (yay!) It's so nice to have normal people around my house. Of course, having them around just illustrates how whacked my family is. First, I have never seen anyone posture and preen as much as my mother has today. EX: "Oh, and I bought these new placemats, they're Ralph Lauren, you know, and then I needed new curtains to match them. So I made the curtains. And here are the napkins that match the placemats." Later on after they notice the new furniture, "Well, I'd worked with this furniture when I was at the decorating store, and I just thought it was SO neat. And I saw this ad in the paper, and I just knew it was this set. So I went to look at it. And when I brought it home, then I needed new tables, and of course all the decorations didn't go with it."

Bleh. I have started to tell stories a half dozen times tonight only to be interrupted with, "I bought . . . " or "I did . . . " and "I wanted . . .". I just want to beat my head into a wall.

I kept reading, trying to figure out why I hadn't carried through with my plan.  My son was diagnosed with autism, and I was fighting with the school.  So that ended up taking up a lot of time and energy.  The next year I broke my ankle, had surgery, and was in a terrible employment situation.  I changed jobs the next year.  Hopefully, nothing is going to get in the way of the move this time.

[lighter]

Wow.

I hate to say it but, I think that old lady should be doing a little Paris Hilton time.

Amazing that she got away with all that credit card fraud and you had to run around and jump through hoops over it. 

Things are looking better for you now.  GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! 

And oh ya, those journal entries should keep you focused on WHY you need to get the heck out of there. 


(((tayana)))   That's just crazy talk!  Put on an imaginary helmet till you can gain some distance and don't let her words get in.  Keep your eye on the right ball. 

[tayana]

Lighter, I told my mother after the last time she stole money from me, that if she did it again, I wasn't going to cover up for her.  I was going to turn her into the sheriff (I worked for them at the time).  She actually got caught doing her little fraud thing from a volunteer board she was on and received probation, but her record was expunged.

Yes, reading through all of my old journals makes me wonder how I managed to stay sane. 

[Ami]

WOW Tayana,
   Your journal entries remind me of the constant pain of living with my mother. it is such an assault on our reality. It brings me right back to my years at home with her. I was crying my eyes out most of the time. My father would always undergird her distorted reality Honestly, I don't know how I stayed this sane(and it's not too good). I am so sorry that you have to live with her.It really is truly intolerable
   Why are you covering for her in this credit card thing?                                        Love to you Ami

[tayana]

Ami,

There was a point when I stopped writing about my mom on my blog.  I don't know when it was.  Right after my failed attempt to leave the last time, I think.  I was just looking through posts, trying to find something.  I also stopped updating so often, and just ranted to my friend about her.

It's so tough to live with that woman.  I evidently didn't write about having to call 911 because she was going to kill herself.  At some point I became afraid that my brother or someone would find my blog, so I stopped writing about my family, and stuck to more generic topics.

I'm very saddened that my son seems to have issues dealing with his anger.  I'm debating whether or not this is do to stress leftover from school, which damaged his fragile self-esteem, or if this is normal childhood stuff.  I don't know what is normal for kids.  He gets frustrated and then he screams, he yells, he has a temper tantrum.  In short he acts like a five year old, not a ten year old.  Anytime I have to tell him "no" he does this, and everytime I try to handle the situation there's a voice saying, am I doing him harm by doing this?  Am I abusing him like my mom did to me?  I don't hit him.  I try not to manipulate him, but there's a voice telling me I am a horrible parent.  We just had a little spell, and he did eventually calm himself down, after I got him to talk a little.  I hope he's going to get better, and I hope this is just a phase he's going to outgrow.  Because I don't want to play the emotional blackmail game with my child.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tayana,
Do you have professional help with your son?

I think that is important.
He is just a few years away from adolescence.

I think it's vital to get your support team in place now that will
help him (and you) get safely through those years...

Hops

[tayana]

Hops,  I will have professional help soon.  I contacted an organization that helps families of children with autism.  I'm waiting for the rest of my application so I can apply for services.  He'll have to go for an evaluation, but they offer all sorts of services like training, educational placements, etc.  I can even get funding that I didn't know about.  I didn't tell my mom about that either.

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you, Tayana...you're truly his advocate.
That bodes well for your son, and for you too.

NOMB = None of Ma's Business     

You're the parent, and it sounds like you're a good one.
You are moving in the right direction for both yourself and your son.

Bravo.

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   One thing that I think that I did right with my kids was I was very strict about their behavior . I demanded respect, always. i would not let them say a fresh word to me. If you don't nip bad behaviour "in the bud" it escalates. If you allow small tantrums ,when they are older and bigger you could have a kid who hurts you. I have seen it happen.
   First of all, you could never be like your mother because you are asking a question that she would never ask. You are looking at your behavior.,honestly, and asking for guidance and wanting to improve.
  I let a lot of "house' things go like messy rooms etc,but I demanded proper respectful behavior or they were punished.
   I built a good foundation on love and a lot of time spent together and having a lot of fun. However, freshness was not tolerated or tantrums etc.
   I did not hit. I had a consequence like they could not do something that they wanted,.I always had  "bag of tricks " of something that I knew I could take  away to induce good behavior.like a trip to the mall or out to eat etc.
   I always tried to "catch" good behavior and reward properly. I had lots of treats  and games etc to reward the good.
  My husband is a 50 year old with tantrums . It does not go away without you  taking action.
  This is my opinion, anyway. Also, as the mother -trust YOUR gut more than anyone at all about what to do.Also, talk to mothers whose kids seem good and see that they are in the same position with tantrums,freshness etc, Then ,you don't feel so alone   .You have so much on your plate. I am so sorry. having your mother there must make it really hard for you as I am sure that she second guesses everything    Love Ami

[lighter]

tayayna:

the way I feel about your mother right now I think she should be faced with going to court over her actions or paying you back so you can pay your bad debts incurred on her behalf. 

It seems insane that she hasn't been required to pay you back or be held accountable in some way. 

I'm just sayin.....

[tayana]

Ami, I don't tolerate disrespectful behavior.  I give him one warning and if he doesn't change his behavior, then he's punished.  I try very hard to be consistent.  I reward good behavior with compliments and treats of some sort.  The problem is he gets mixed signals from my mom, who allows certain behaviors one time, and then gets angry the next.  Like today, when he was puddling getting ready to leave, she harped on him and harped on him, and then gave me a lecture about how lazy he is and how it will only get worse.  Oddly, so many of the behaviors she complains about disappear whenever it's just the two of us.  He received one warning today while we were out.  I never heard another disrespectful word out of him.  I'll tolerate messiness to an extent, but at the end of the week, I like for him to at least start with a clean room.

Lighter, yes, I know.  I have been trying for years to make something happen without actually pressing charges. I didn't want to press charges because she's my mother, and at some level I do care about her.  I don't much like her, but I care about  her.  It makes me feel very guilty when I think about how I feel about my family and that I don't really love my parents. 

My friend said today that I just looked worn out, and that's sort of how I feel.  I just feel exhausted.  I get a knot in my stomach everytime I come home.  I have some new options though, and hopefully one of those will work out.

[WRITE]

I kept one the worst year of my life and every single problem of that year is now dealt with and it just reminds me how fortunate I am.

Hang in there.

I kept reading, trying to figure out why I hadn't carried through with my plan.

it's a process.

For me it's taken several years and the single most useful thing was therapy with a good psychologist I have been working with for four years now.

Just keep building yourself up and taking care of yourself, sounds like you know what you want, you'll get there.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

Thanks for the hugs. 

Ami, it's not so much that my mom is agitating to him.  He has behaviors that go along with being autistic, not so much that he's misbehaving.  We he's at home in his "safe" place, he needs to be allowed to have those behaviors.  She just doesn't always like those behaviors.  Most of the time, she's fine with him.  It's when he's no longer in the room, and she gets me alone, that she makes comments about his behavior.  He was sulky this morning.  He has a lot of sensory issues.  He has a hard time with they way clothes fit, and he was complaining about his socks being tight.  It's a sensory thing.  It is uncomfortable, but she overreacted and then gave me a long lecture about how he was lazy and he was only going to get worse.  Basically, she takes issue with  my parenting.  I'm evidently not doing it right.

T.