You mentioned that my feelings toward my mother as natural as a result of the parenting relationship. I am certain that you are right. What worries me is that there probably is some psychic damage from that, and I really do not see it myself. Maybe I made a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation and should let it be, or maybe I should deal with something.
Tokyojim, If your life is pretty much on keel, you're functioning okay, your marriage is all right, your job is all right, then whatever psychic damage occurred isn't causing major problems. Out of natural curiosity, though, you might want to explore your feelings about it.
In thinking about my friend, I can relate exactly to your statement about trying to “bring out the healthier side in her” (your mother). Yes, and trying to win by finding a way to protect ourselves and appeal to their sanity. But, as your social worker friend said, “we ain’t gonna win.”
When we have a strong urge to rescue someone, it often means that we actually want to rescue and repair the parents-of-our-childhood and ourselves. We project this wish onto this other person. And just as we couldn't repair our parents during our childhood, we can't repair this person either. They usually resist it! The only person we can actually repair is ourselves, in therapy.
You've invested an incredible amount of effort into this friend, who did nothing but trash your efforts and embarrass you. Obviously this man is way, way, beyond the pale and no one can help him. But you hope that with some superhuman effort, he will show some appreciation and make good your investment. It's futile, because he is a bad investment and his stock is just going down all the time. Sometimes, though, you think his shares are rising in value (when he wanted to move). But they aren't. This is similar to a small child trying desperately to "parent" his own parents and repair their damage, so that they can parent him! But he usually fails because he's not qualified for that responsibility. Sometimes we keep trying to repair this damage our whole lives. Heck, I still try to repair my mother all the time. Futile!
bunny
