Relationship Readiness

[WRITE]

Don't worry about me Lighter!
I am fine.

Things are pretty good so far as I can see, I am enjoying being happy.

I also think it's a bit out of bounds to tell you that he's not seeing anyone else.

well he's very attractive, one of the things which I wondered when i first met him was if he is one of the 'player' types who so often can't resist all the constant attention.

I think that's why he told me that, I hinted about someone else I dated who had women everywhere!

Actually I am getting a lot of attention from men myself right now!
Which is nice but I also have the self-awareness now to just enjoy it and flirt a little but be more discerning than getting involved with someone I don't know.

I know myself beter. i don't do casual....

[axa]

write,


believe behaviour over time, not words

hugs

axa

[WRITE]

believe behaviour over time, not words

absolutely.

I think this is why it is important to go slow, the words are what we want to hear and easily deliverable, but the corresponding actions....

I think I am getting into a rhythmn of doing this more humanly though too, not simply demanding and dismissing. I am not perfect and someone else will not be either, it's what happens over time, do you move together towards common goals and intimacy or play games and keep distance.

Preciously I have always kept people at a distance whilst I act somewhat superior about my position. I haven't trusted anyone entirely in a long time including myself. Especially myself.

There is a level of surrender to that to get close to someone, to trust going over the bumps and asking for what I need, and it's getting easier as I know more and more what things I can compromise, what things are non-negotiable.

The book arrived Hops recommended about things to consider before marriage, it's only small but it's full of ideas about what it really means to be married, and how a relationship is developed and negotiated.

My therapist said to me a few weeks ago, a relationship needs two separate individuals first, I don't think I have ever been that totally separate grown up coping living individual before, that's why I have buried myself in difficult relationships and situations.

***

Church guy is taking son with me to get music school supplies tomorrow.
I want to see how he responds to my son before they know each other, the first thing my ex will do if I start seeing him is stir him up and yesterday he announced again he is thinking of quitting his job and moving state.
I don't think my son will go, though.

I really hope I can have a relationship with someone who takes his role model position more seriously; I certainly would not have a child with someone again who could not be a parent when it's required.

It's exhausting and infuriating.

***

Okay, 11 am.
Start work!!!!

[axa]

Write,

I think your T is right for a relationship to survive the two people need to be seperate.  This is something which has just hit me.  The desire for symbotic type relationships.  I kept my distance in the beginning and XN tried to make it symbiotic.  Over time I gave in and we became totally enmeshed, once that happened he knew he had me and the abuse started.  What I am learning is that one must have their own life, their own boundaries or else there is no relationship.  It reminds me of the dance he stepped in, I stepped out, going on and on and noone meeting the other.  We have to meet ourselves to be able to be healthy.  Must go back to Fear of Intimacy.  I think we were so starved of love that we drop everything and loose ourselves in the hope that the other will see us, hear us and meet our needs....... not possible.  I have never seen this so clearly before.

I know if I meet someone I will look on it as a practise run with all the lessons I have learned whizzing around in my head.  I never want to end up in an N relationship again.  I just could not bear it.  Alone is certainly a more attractive option.  Not sure I would trust myself yet though. 

I think Write the focus needs to be on your needs.  Are they being met.  Are you happy in other areas of your life.  If church guy disappeared would it just be a blip and could your life continue without any great damage done or loss.

axa

[Ami]

[  Not sure I would trust myself yet though.


This was my point on the thread about "trusting yourself. It is the foundation for so many aspects of life( ALL of them).In a relationship,if you don't trust yourself, you are screwed from beginning to end(I think).
  I look back on my relationships. I stopped trusting myself at 14. Before that, I had best friends and "boyfriends . I remember feeling that the MOST important relationship  was the relationship with myself.I was always WITH myself-- like it or not. So, I better form the bond with myself first. I did not feel "lost "in other people, at that time.I also did not need  that much validation from people.
"  I guess that, at least, I had a short time in life when I might have been healthy. At least,I know what It feels like even thought it has been such a long time that I have been "screwed up."
  I think that another of the basic foundations to trusting yourself is realizing that you are alone.Then ,you will l be more apt to take better care of yourself emotionally b/c when the" door closes", it is just  you  .
 I think that when we are in a screwed up relationship, it is not so much what the person did to us as what we "gave away" ---our own power.
 I just finished a book on Princess Diana--- A Royal Duty-by Paul Burrell-.. .Diana, with all her "toys" was like us. She said that what really took down the royal marriage was her lack of self esteem. . She made all these "counter moves", based on her own  lack of self love, which ended up causing the divorce. The counter moves were made b/c she could not sit with her own pain and own her own esteem(IMO).Our gift to ourself has to be self love if we are to have anything good in life-- anything of quality. I am seeing this now. I have to love myself. It is not an optional thing.  I am seeing that the "truth" is to love myself. The 'false" is to demean myself
                      Love  Ami

[WRITE]

If church guy disappeared would it just be a blip and could your life continue without any great damage done or loss.

interesting you should say this today Axa, I was only thinking this morning how relaxed I am about him, I never seem to know when we will speak again we don't end everything with 'when will i see you' type things which I have felt like before, insecure until I know the outcomes.

But I was thinking this morning how much I am enjoying this and knowing that if it doesn't work out I will still have the rest of my life and there are certainly a lot more men around than I realised. Maybe I scared them all off before!

But I was thinking about what do I want out of the next two years, what would I compromise for a relationship and a baby, what is essential to keep as 'my life'.

***

He was wonderful with my son, very relaxed and natural and son enjoyed it very much having a playful and happy man around for a while.

His dad just has so many issues it's hard to relax around him even when he's trying.

In fact I decided just now that I must try not to be uptight and to relax more, son is growing up so fast.

***

He had me cut his har this morning, he looks like my little boy again!

He said something blasphemous, then looked sheepish and didn't repeat it!

I hope he is always close to his dad, but I alo hope one of the good things which will come from my new life is a male role model or role models, I will cultivate suitable friends too!

***

Yes, loving self takes time but once I did Ami everything changed. Everything.

I don't feel angry with myself much now, I am learning to be more and much more patient even when I screw up.

~W

[Ami]

WRITE,
   Could you tell me the steps that you took to find "self love?                    Thanks  so much  Ami

[lighter]

Don't worry about me Lighter!
I am fine.

Things are pretty good so far as I can see, I am enjoying being happy.

I also think it's a bit out of bounds to tell you that he's not seeing anyone else.

well he's very attractive, one of the things which I wondered when i first met him was if he is one of the 'player' types who so often can't resist all the constant attention.

I think that's why he told me that, I hinted about someone else I dated who had women everywhere! *******

The adrenaline hit my heart, hot and quick... HERE! ******* Right at this point in your post.  Sure sure sure, I can't really be trusted right now but.... just know that it hit and I piped up. 

[WRITE]

Could you tell me the steps that you took to find "self love?      

the best best best thing anyone can do in my opinion is invest in long-term therapy with a good psychologist.

Over the months and then years it becomes apaprent what needs to be done and how to change life without it being too overwhelming.

My self-love was blocked for years because of abuse and because I have bipolar and always saw myself as flawed.

Managing the bipolar was a big thing.

I don't think I have changed much in the way I am with others, except I have bigger boundaries once someone demonstrates they require them!

But with myself losing the perfectionism and trusting- G_d, me, others, 'the universe'.....the process of healing and of growth......

***

The adrenaline hit my heart, hot and quick... HERE! ******* Right at this point in your post.  Sure sure sure, I can't really be trusted right now but.... just know that it hit and I piped up. 

not sure why Lighter, but don't worry. I really am fine, and things will be fine.

The whole conversation came out of some misunderstanding banter, he doesn't like people at church to know about his relationships because as I know now the women are always trying to fix him up; he said it all wrong and it came out as though he was boasting that women are always chasing him! I teased him but made it clear I am not interested in a fling or in playing competetive games.

***

That guy who had all the women rejected me btw.
He said I would never tolerate his inevitable straying!

~W

[Ami]

the best best best thing anyone can do in my opinion is invest in long-term therapy with a good psychologist.



I guess that step one  is out  (LOL). I do like the idea of giving  up  perfectionism, trusting God,trusting the process of healing.,and having better boundaries. Thanks WRITE.

[WRITE]

I guess that step one  is out  (LOL).

you mean financially?

My T costs $145 for 40 minutes, when I was rich I didn't have to worry about costs much, but now I do and I budget for one meeting a month, which a rearrange soemtimes for when I feel I'll need extra support ( like the divorce week )

A support group can be good if you can find a suitable one; my writing group is good, and the little late-night-clan at my gym pool.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[WRITE]

Since I am in a relationship, which inevitably seems to have its periodic ups and downs, mine may be a little less optimistic

that's funny Bean! So I need to lower my ideals a bit once I actually get involved? Someone else said that actually, and it's true, it's an overall balance thing rather than a check-list.

Though there are a few absolute 'no-go' behaviours and attitudes which I know i couldn't get beyond, like prejudice or cruelty or no personal hygiene...

I like your list, it does feel more realistic than mine which of course is not totally tested in reality yet.

Though I was very impressed that church guy came out with my son and was kind and supportive; son has been so different since Thursday, even his dad commented. He needs to see more men besides his father, who he looks up to and I am reluctant to mess with that, but also disappointed at the role model he provides.

The other guy I like is another man who won't do casual relationships either, we talked generally a while back at a party. I think a few discerning people are gettign dismayed at the culture of casual sex and lack of relationship-building which became the norm for dating when I was younger. I was married so it never affected me, but when I have been single it has felt quite strange, once I was with this guy I had been getting to know and things became quite passionate between us. He kissed me when he left and I was unsure, I said 'so are we dating now?' He kissed my nose and smiled affectionately. 'No. We are friends...'
I didn't see him again, partly because I felt uncomfortable because I was still married, but I am glad now. I don't get passionate with my firends!

I think it's exciting you are looking.

what is interesting is how much fun it is, now I am not worried about what will happen.
Having all these ideas what I would like or not, and knowing how to set boundaries and what to do when they are crossed is really helpful.

But the biggest thing is I am trusting again.
A love relationship does require a level of trust and surrender to vulnerability I have never been able to do before, and an ability to be yourself.

I really feel I am myself now, who I want to be.

I look different somehow too, the way I walk and my eyes sparkle more.

Bean, I LOVE life!
Is your relationship going better?

[Ami]

WRITE
 You sound like you love yourself. I am so happy for you .I want this so badly. The "not going to therapy thing " is b/c I don't trust therapists. My N mother is a therapist.I think that I will go back to a support group ,though.
   Write-- attractiveness is something that shines through a person when they feel good. and whole.
   If I had one wish it would be to love and honor myself.
   I am trying to let go of all the N ideas that my mother gave me.At the bottom is me---- and i want to own  that'
   I am glad that you and your son had a nice time with the church guy.
 
                                                                                              Love    Ami

[WRITE]

when you say your son needs to see more men?  You mean he needs to see you with more men or just in general, he doesn't get a chance to be around them (uncles, grandfather?)

I mean to see different men as in role models. He has no family here at all. He only really gets to be around his dad, we have been spending more time with others but his dad is practically a recluse, and very critical of others too.

Son needs role models who don't have these behaviours I think, in settings where he can make his own observations.

They have gone to baseball tonight. I do like that ex makes an effort with him though, he wouldn't do hardly any of this if we hadn't split.

You're right Bean, casual sex is not for the sensitive!

"Most marital enrichment approaches emphasize other-validated intimacy: expecting empathy, reciprocity, and validation from your partner when you disclose. The Passionate Marriage Approach emphasizes self-validated intimacy; validating and accepting your own disclosures, and soothing your own heart. This shift allows you to resolve emotional gridlock, intimacy problems, sexual boredom and low desire, and develop a more passionate loving relationship."

I think people don't know what to write next!

Why be in a marriage if you can provide all these things for yourself is my immediate thought....

***

My trust levels dipped again today.

I am overwhelmed with everything, exhausted.

I was playing the piano today and looked at my hands and thought 'am I doing this?'
Think I have been overdoing it.

Time for a swim.....

Goodnight everyone.

[Hopalong]

Aww, Write.

More sleep for you, okay?
Maybe not so much life-changing charging ahead all at once.

You still need time to process being divorced, moving, other things...

There IS time. Plenty of it.

For son...Boy Scouts? He will get a lot of positves there.
If not, how about a youth group at church?

Or a sports team? Both?

Hops