I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now.
I have been married for 12 years and with my DH for 17 yrs in total and we have 3 children. I always knew that he had issues and just put them down to his childhood, as his parents split up when he was young and he more or less rared himself. He is an interesting guy and to the outside world I would think it all seems rosey as I can't say he is a bad person as such but then I am very patient.
However, 10 days ago we had a row which we don't do much, we might bicker but not full scale rows but that could be down to me keeping the peace. This one made me realise that apart from him never ever accepting responsibility for his actions he actually has no empathy. We didn't talk for a week, which use to happen in the early days, but hasn't happened for years. Anyway off I went and googled "lack of empathy" and my world fell apart and one big jigsaw puzzle came together for me. I came across Narcissistic Personality Disorder and as I read down through all the traits I recognised almost each and everyone of them as characteristics of my DH. The tears ran down my face as I realised that this was a disorder and no matter what I do or say he will never change and possibly could get worse as the years go on. His father is an extreme case.
The traits I recognised are:
1. Never accepts responsibility
2. Never says sorry or if he does he doesn't sound convincing
3. Very negative about incidents and people
4. Never listens, just tries to take apart what I am saying and "win" the argument
5. Everything is about how it will effect him and not anyone else including the family
6. Worries constantly about money and worries excessively about general stuff where he can hardly function
7. Total routine, I cannot call him and ask him to jump up and do something for me
8. No initiative - he must be told to do practically everything
9. Procrastinates all the time
10. Boredom - he would sit around the house all day long if let - reading the news/sport. However he will never sit doing nothing.
11. Superior in opinion
12. Treats the children as if they are adults and expects them to act like adults
13. Gets me to be responsible for everything and would let me do everything for him
14. Uses people when ever possible - but not to a very noticible extent
15. NO EMPATHY
16. No treats for me - Christmas and Birthday are always a disaster there will be a pressie sometimes and card but just about
17. Criticises needlessly
18. Anger seems to be his only other emotion other than happy.
19. Serious intimacy issues - eyes shut and seems to be in another world, when our babies were born the midwives were surprised when he took off out of the room to ring everyone instead of spending a few minutes with me.
Ok here is the good stuff.........
1. He does do everything I ask him but will never offer to help
2. He will never let me down - well apart from emotionally
3. He is a good provider
4. He is good company when not being negative
5. He is good with the children when there is no problems
6. He doesnt tell me lies, or keep things from me, but then there isn't a lot to keep.
This is so hard, I fear now for my children, please tell me if they are rared in a loving environment they will turn out to be good people. Is it worth reading the books or will I just upset myself more or learn ways to bring him out of his dark hole. I was happy until 10 days ago, I use to manage my DH and I don't take any of his crap. But the same issues keep coming up as he doesn't take them on board.
We had it out the other night, or at least I did, and told him about his disorder and of course he knew about N because as described he has a very high IQ. But I was talking a load of rubbish according to him but he claimed he is going to change, but I've heard that before. He doesn't know how.
So my questions are:
I am a big advocate of complimentary therapies - is there a recommended one that I could get him to try. I do think he would try if it meant we could be happier
Can people have happy lives living with a N - I am now questioning if I was happy, but I do think I was.
Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I do love him but I now accept there is a gap emotionally. He works odd hours and when tired the negativity seems to manifest itself.
Any suggestions would be great, as I can't get this out of my head.