el... how are you?

[elculbr]

Hi,

Hmm, my therapist wants me to see a pyschiatrsit. She speculates that I might have 1. Bipolar Disorder 2. Depersonalization disorder 3. PTSD. One or two or all three. But she says that I shouldn't think that there is something wrong with me-she says that sounds like my father who has told me that there has always been something wrong with me. I might possibly need medication..She is willing to work with me for FREE until university insurance kicks in, but the meetings will be once a month instead of once a week.

But right now I am planning a trip to Senegal for winter vacation (3 weeks). Awe.Some. Basically, the plane ticket roundtrip is very expensive (and room and board might be too, but I'm looking for hostels) but everything else like food is cheap... I'm saving money and reading travel blogs. And learning what not to do while there.. I'm an Antropology and African Studies major and the summer between junior and senior year I will study aboard in Dakar, so this upcoming trip is just a liitle taste of the future. And I want to be fluent in french by the time I graduate-that is a goal of mine. I will have had one semester of french before my trip. I will be taking a year of french my sophmore year. And next summer I will do this 6 weeks in Paris program. Plus a whole summer semester in Dakar, and I should truely be fluent.
I'm really happy right now-but that might just be the upside of the manic-depresssiveness. But I don't want to think about that now. (Oh crap. I just read some info. on Bipolar disorder.. I could have that..

[Hopalong]

Wow, El, that's great!
Well, I don't mean a label or two...but it sounds like you're going to LIVE YOUR LIFE, labels or none.
(Probably would be good to see the shrink though, in case you need Rx for balancing.)

My D's father lived in Senegal in the Peace Corps, and my D loved African Studies.

I majored in French and I've always wanted to go to Africa.

Go have an adventure for this ole bat!

And keep checking in okay?

mother duck clucks,
Hops

[lighter]

Hey El. 

You sound happy to me too.  Not manic, lol. 

I think getting some answers, even if they're very iffy, have given you some energy?

Also, cograts on that very ambitious plan of yours.

 I love the French language. 

Never been to Africa but you're lucky to be studying something you have a passion for. 

I wasn't this poised and focused at your age, I can tell you. 

You're a very special person.  It sounds like your therapist is too. 

I do hope you get into once weekly sessions before long.  When does campus insurance kick in?

Looks to me like you're making plans to reach your dreams.

Nuff said: ) 

[elculbr]

My insurance kicks in August 30th. And I have always longed to travel..and I thought why not now? I already have a passport and I don't need a visa since I'm staying under 90 days. All I need is cash..haha.

Hopalong,

Why didn't you go to Africa? It isn't too expensive, minus the flight.

[tayana]

El,

You don't sound manic to me either.  You sound happy.  I'm so glad you are going to do those things for yourself, and your trip sounds amazing.  Have fun and good luck!

[Hopalong]

Hey El,

After college I had an invite to spend a year in Abijan, Ivory Coast, but couldn't afford the air fare. I got another invite for London, so I went there.

I am not done, darn it. I have been lolling around thinking "washed up" thoughts.

Thanks for reminding me!! Maybe I'll still go.

You keep taking care and doing the therapy, girl. You deserve it.
And whatever the labels may be, I know it will help you to have a handle on where to begin.

love
Hops

[elculbr]

today wasn't very good. I felt low. ANd I got reprimanded at work and I dissassociated. Then it was hard for me to breath all afternoon and it was hard to move my limbs. My enegry progressively dropped.

[Ami]

Dear El,
   A label is just a "moment in time" IMO. As you grow and get confidence, that label could totally change.
    My all time favorite book is From Bondage to Freedom by Frederick Douglass. He "invented" dignity(IMO)                           Love  Ami

[CB123]

El,

That's hard.  I have a very hard time with reprimands at work as well.  Particularly when it seems unfounded.  I understand how it takes the energy out of you.  It helps to know that each glitch is an opportunity to grow--but it's still hard.

I hope tomorrow is better.  You are doing so well.

CB

[lighter]

El.... sorry you had a tough day today. 

It's important to try to keep the reprimand in perspective.  It was just a reprimand and you're still going to be OK. 

I haven't figured out how to get passed the breathing problems during stress.  Sorry.

I'm thinking that feeling your feelings and crying or screaming or whatever's inside, needs to come out and then you'll be able to breath again. 

I can't always find time to do that.  You have to plan these things (and being puffy for a bit)

You'll have good days and bad days.  It's typical. (((((El))))))

[teartracks]

Hi el,

Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority?

If the authority  is corrupt from the core and I know it, then I have a problem with it.  One that we're all familiar with is the 'speed trap'.   Doesn't it always smack of corruption?

Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority?  I have massive problems with authority. I can't stand any authority figure telling me what to do..but this might be a by-product of my abuse, amplified by the INTJ traits (Or perhaps my INTJ traits were enhanced from the abuse.

You may have captured the core of what drives your rejection or aversion of authority.  It makes sense that one, the abuse plays into the other, the personality type.  My guess is that the abuse plays a much bigger part in it.

Authority isn't always about external forces, though it certainly could have looked that way growing up in the crazy environment created by your dad.  Here on the board, we talk a lot about boundaries, or if you please, the guidelines we've established and continue establishing  to govern the outwardness and the inwardness of self.  We guard against losing what we've reclaimed.  

Those of us who were abused almost always  have to consciously establish in adulthood, what those  from healthy homes did unconsciously and gradually as they grew up.   For them it was probably as effortless as their hair growing.  But for us, it is tedious, makes us feel crazy, takes all our energy.  It makes life harder.  They (those who grew up in relative healthy environments) didn't have to 'become'  alone.  Neither should we.  I'm glad you have a T.   I'm glad you read and post here.   I'm glad you are smart, aware, motivated, and determined.  I'm glad you're proactive in seeking wholeness.  
 
It is our gift to ourselves to take authority over our ourselves, our habits, our emotions, our vices, our gifts, our time, our attentions, our intentions.  Having done that, we are about as well-equipped as we will ever be to make accurate, informed, healthy  judgments about external authority, which in turn will eliminate the need to reject all authority out of hand.  
 
tt

[Hopalong]

TT,
I have to quote you entirely because this is brilliant, cogent, and so helpful. You have a talent for summing up the core structure of the deepest work in just a few sentences that show unshellacked truth but in a way that feels, on reading it, that if I hear this, I can take reality in my arms and keep breathing. Once again, you've turned on a light for me and encouraged me at the same time.

Do any of you INTJ people have problems with authority?  I have massive problems with authority. I can't stand any authority figure telling me what to do..but this might be a by-product of my abuse, amplified by the INTJ traits (Or perhaps my INTJ traits were enhanced from the abuse.

You may have captured the core of what drives your rejection or aversion of authority.  It makes sense that one, the abuse plays into the other, the personality type.  My guess is that the abuse plays a much bigger part in it.

Authority isn't always about external forces, though it certainly could have looked that way growing up in the crazy environment created by your dad.  Here on the board, we talk a lot about boundaries, or if you please, the guidelines we've established and continue establishing  to govern the outwardness and the inwardness of self.  We guard against losing what we've reclaimed. 

Those of us who were abused almost always  have to consciously establish in adulthood, what those  from healthy homes did unconsciously and gradually as they grew up.   For them it was probably as effortless as their hair growing.  But for us, it is tedious, makes us feel crazy, takes all our energy.  It makes life harder.  They (those who grew up in relative healthy environments) didn't have to 'become'  alone.  Neither should we.  I'm glad you have a therapist.   I'm glad you read and post here.   I'm glad you are smart, aware, motivated, and determined.  I'm glad you're proactive in seeking wholeness. 
 
It is our gift to ourselves to take authority over our ourselves, our habits, our emotions, our vices, our gifts, our time, our attentions, our intentions.  Having done that, we are about as well-equipped as we will ever be to make accurate, informed, healthy  judgments about external authority, which in turn will eliminate the need to reject all authority out of hand.

 

Thank you, TT.

love
Hops

[teartracks]

Hops,

TT,
I have to quote you entirely because this is brilliant, cogent, and so helpful. You have a talent for summing up the core structure of the deepest work in just a few sentences that show unshellacked truth but in a way that feels, on reading it, that if I hear this, I can take reality in my arms and keep breathing. Once again, you've turned on a light for me and encouraged me at the same time.

That made me feel good, heard, and appreciated.  Thank you  ]

Also, Hops, glad this spoke light to you.  Every little bit helps, eh?

tt

[Hopalong]

Helps a lot, TT.
I was just faced with a moment of "taking instructions" from my boss today
and I think I was able to meet it with no resentful vibes because your post
must've been in my head somewhere.

And emptying myself of kneejerk resentment of bosses protects me.
And the day went well.

Thank you again!
Hops

[finding peace]

Hi El,

My childhood was similar to yours.

I am sorry I didn’t post to support you sooner – I have had a difficult month.

Interestingly, I too tested INTJ – I have to say, it pretty much nailed my personality.

I am in awe of you.  You recognized the abuse and managed to break out of that vicious environment at such a young age – you are remarkable. 

I have no doubt that the strength you have that helped you to survive and to escape that house of horrors will carry you through the next phase, healing. 

Life does get better once the awareness kicks in.  There will be ups and downs, if you hit a tough spot (it sounds like you hit one recently), please always remember:

You are a survivor – through no fault of your own, you were dumped in hell – inch by bloody inch, you clawed your way out of that pit – you, and you alone, saved yourself.  Now that you are at the top of the pit – the rest, although it may seem hard, comes nowhere near to as hard as it was where you used to be.  You are a survivor. 

Peace

PS – What do you think about taking legal action against your genetic donor (can’t really call him a father) and sue him in civil court?  Tayana posted a story of a lawyer who is an advocate for abused children (Andrew Vachss).  He seems like just the shark to do this.  If he can’t help, he might know someone who could.  If I had thought of it then – I would have written my story, sent it to a lawyer to get his opinion on suing my father to pay for my therapy and to get a restraining order against any further contact.  You deserve that and more from that twisted loser.  Personally, it would also have given me a great deal of satisfaction to “beat” my father in a court of law – to get him labeled an abuser as he deserved, and to make him pay restitution for the wrongs he committed.  As an aside, by suing and winning (and I don’t think there is a jury out there that would find your father not guilty) – you might be able to set a legal precedent that will help to protect others that are going through the same thing.  It might not stop the abuse – but it might give other people the financial aid they need to heal from the abuse they suffered.  Maybe something to keep in mind for the future if you aren’t (completely understandably) ready for this yet.