My list so far

[tayana]

I'm working on my list.  I added a lot to the positive side today, yesterday, it only had three items . . . I'm trying to see myself in a positive light, but I'm having a little trouble.

Postive

Creative/talented     
Persistent    
Out of the box thinker    
Intelligent    
Honest, mostly, does not maliciously lie to cover up mistakes    
Open-minded    
Spontaneous    
Dependable 
Good Listener, most of the time   

Negative


    Selfish
   Unassertive, lets people walk all over me
    Cold, unaffectionate, dispassionate
    Inability to be intimate
   Do not like to be touched
    Unattractive, dumpy, overweight
    Cannot trust
   Suspicious
     Too lenient with son, lacks discipline, gives in too easily
     Cannot love, feel empty at times
     Slacker at work, spend too much time daydreaming, writing, surfing
     Know it all
     Hate my mother
     Never do anything right
     Keep secrets, keep self secret
     Too controlled, don't know how to have fun, can't relax
     Easily bored
     Nervous, social anxieties, fear of speaking in front of others

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   What I noticed was that the positive side seemed to be said with a "flat tone and the negative side seems to have "passion" or weight to it.
 it is so natural for us with NPD mothers to believe what they  say about us.
 I guess that it is just like being in a cult. The people have to be deprogrammed when they leave the cult.
   We need deprogramming,too.
   Thanks for sharing the list  Here's to both of us believing the good as well as accepting the "bad"                                                                     Love  Ami

[tayana]

Ami, many of the things on the good side of the list are things people have told me, not really things I believe.  I've been told I'm dependable and honest.  I don't really believe it.  I don't believe because I've been rather forced to live a lie, so I can't believe I'm that honest.  I've been told I'm a good listener, but the truth is, I'm not sure. 

The things on the negative side, I do believe those.  Every one of them, and there's more I haven't added . . .

It depresses me to look at that, but I just don't feel all that good about myself, I guess. 

This move, for instance, I half convinced moving was a very selfish thing.  I think about M, and I doubt that I've made a good choice here.  In the long run, I believe it will be a good choice, but right now, I'm not so sure.

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
    I can say that for me ,going deep within ( DEEP) and facing truths that are so, very horrible( my mother is a monster) has produced a "real" change in me. My energy changed in my body. My stomach aches went away.
   I have moments when I feel the 'old" me is there. I, really, used to like myself. Lately,I have been feeling that one of my favorite traits that I liked about myself is "coming back.".Actually it was deeply hidden under N lies ( just like you are believing N lies.)
  I always was a "warm' person. I could make people feel special. I feel like that quality is coming back and I am  happy about it.
   I am starting to see that it is really mandatory to love ourselves if we want any type of quality in our lives.
   We are faced with the daunting task of "unlearning" layers of lies  that were foisted on us when we were to young to know any better. Then after awhile, they become "real and "normal"
   I cannot just say" affirmations " and  be able to change .. To me, it is like not taking a bath for 3 weeks and then putting perfume over it( or 5 weeks) . For me, it  was a deep wounding and it will be a deep healing     Love    Ami

[changing]

Hello Miss Ami!

My father died recently. It has been freeing for me, and now I want to live in a happier and healthier way. I know it hurts to have N parents. I pray that you fulfill your dreams, and have so many wondeful things to do, and people in your life, that nothing can take your joy away. God Bless You.

[CB123]

ooooh, Tayana....

The negative that jumped off the page at me was the "never do anything right". 

I have learned that anything that begins with "never" or "always" is rarely true.  I dont even listen to accusations that get lobbed at me when they are preceded by those words. 

These are your lists--the perceptions contained in them are yours.  But just wanted to give you something to think about on that one. 

Love
CB

[lighter]

((((tayana))))) I see lots of good work going on here. 

[tayana]

CB, I really just started putting down the things I thought at the time, so it seemed to depend on how I felt about myself at any given moment.  Yesterday, I was feeling more positive, so I got more positive things.  The day before I was feeling pretty low, so there were more negatives.  Today, I think might be equally split. I think I might be insane before I get moved.

Ami, I really want to be a more affectionate, warm person, but I have a hard time being that until I'm alone with someone, like M, or until I can really trust someone.  Trust takes forever for me.  I work hard, but I don't trust easily.

I have a lot of things to unlearn, and I'm sure by the time I'm done unlearning them, my family will say they don't know me, but I'll finally get to the real me.  Does that make sense?

[Lupita]

Your positive things are 10
The negative are 18

You seem tobe a wonderful person. I am sure we can find eight more good wonderful things. I am sure are you generous. You are very supportive here to everybody.

Can we wirte that too?

Love to you.

[tayana]

Lupita, I'm not sure about generous . . .

I added to the list today though:

Positive

Hardworking
Determined
Usually calm under pressure
Good listener

Negative

Stubborn and bullheaded

At least I added mostly positive things.  Now tomorrow night, I'm going to feel pretty lousy about myself, I have a feeling.  Already today, I've been accused of telling my son he couldn't call his Grandma and last night I was accused of abandoning him.

[Hopalong]

Tayana pos:

Love my son enough to endure his complaints for the sake of his future health
Love life enough to fight for freedom and a better, saner way to live
Love myself enough to push past the "comfortable pain" of what's familiar
Able to find big joys in simall things, like olives and peppers
Rational enough to know that short-term pain can yield to long-term growth
Honest enough to keep telling it like it is, to those who will hear me
Brave enough to push through necessary confrontations, survive them, and keep on
Wise enough to ask for strength from others when my own strength falters


(for starters)

love
Hops

[tayana]

And exhausted . . . but free.