Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Blowing Bubbles...
rosencrantz:
The last few days, I've had a pin in my hand and I've been pricking all the bubbles of my childhood that have been floating above my head. Prick, prick, prick in the air. Pouf! Gone!!
All the unconscious stuff that made me what I am. Not the emotional stuff, but the unconscious stuff. (If anybody wants or needs a better word, you are welcome to contribute - but put my 'meaning' down at your peril!)
You know what? Last night my dad came back again...no, he didn't, he's really gone now. There's a cold space next to me where he was in my life. But, like RG said, he's in me now. And do you know what he said? He never said it in life, but he's saying it now. "I'm proud of you, Sue." (Yeah, well, I'm not R to him!!! :wink: )
And do you know what popped into my head this morning???????
"I can choose." :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:
I never had a choice before! I had to do what's right (according to 'my' values - well, my mother's values and the way I interpreted them, or the way they got mangled by our relationship!)
[BTW I didn't know before what my values were - didn't understand the word - even tho my life was run by them - but I do know now since I've revealed a lot of them on this board simply by coming into conflict with other people's values...]
But this 'I can choose' is so powerful.
I looked at my H still sleeping. I've known for a loooong time that I put weight on to keep me 'grounded', to anchor me to the ground, so I won't run off to have more adventures. I'm not bored, but I do run off to the next thing easily, in search of experience and knowledge. (And it's not good for me emotionally. So I search the universe on my computer instead ;-) )
But I knew this morning that I no longer had to worry that 'changing' might mean I meet someone else and leave him behind. Because I can 'choose'. I won't have to run off and leave him - because I am no longer motivated by what's hidden from me. I may change; I may no longer 'need' the things I needed when I first married him. But I can 'choose' to be loyal. Heck, I can 'choose' to love him to bits if I want to!!!!! It seems I can even choose 'not' to be weighed down by so many things.
Being free to be yourself is quite 'en-lightening' :lol:
And it means 'I can choose'!
And I can choose not to remain attached to my mother.
I can't promise myself that this feeling will last more than 24 hours, I can't promise that I have a straight road ahead, or that I won't backtrack and be the old 'me' under stress - raise the carapace, put on the T Rex suit and stomp around a bit. But I 'think' I won't have people trying to knock me down just cos I'm such a good challenge!!! And if I don't have a carapace to start with then nobody can come round the side to bloody me some more!!! (Sharks! Vultures!). People won't think I'm trying to 'be' something I don't intend to be anyway; they won't see me trying to set myself up to be Miss Perfect-PrissyPants, either (that's the one in the photo of the 8 year old BTW - never did like her a bit!).
I'm a nice kid, a bit plain Jane with straight hair, but a cute smile and slim. In the photo of the 7 year old, she looks you straight in the eye and gives you a welcome smile. It's the 'before' picture (before mother screwed me up!) - and now it just might be the 'after' picture, too!!
And I'm delighted to say that, although I tried to screw my own son up in the same way (how can you not when all that you do is UNconscious!??!?), my growing consciousness this year has enabled him to become freer at ten than I managed in 50!
Catching myself saying something unmentionable (!), I said at breakfast this morning : "How could I do that - that's terrible. I'm so sorry!" "Oh, I used to get angry but now I just think to myself 'Do I really want that information? :roll: " He's got the rolling eyes going already, CG! Smart kid - I told him he's more mature than his mother. He agreed! :lol: And do you know how we got there? I just hug him and include his 'behaviour' in the hug. I'll have 'all of you', I say when he's done something wrong. He knows he's done it and he knows I know - so what's the point of saying anything??????? Just love him instead. "Sweet, embraceable, you." as the song has it. Ahhh. :wink:
R
Wildflower:
WOW!!!! Rosencrantz, GREAT WORK!!!!!!!!! There just aren’t enough exclamation points to express how happy I am for you. :D :D :D
--- Quote ---But I knew this morning that I no longer had to worry that 'changing' might mean I meet someone else and leave him behind. Because I can 'choose'. I won't have to run off and leave him - because I am no longer motivated by what's hidden from me. I may change; I may no longer 'need' the things I needed when I first married him. But I can 'choose' to be loyal. Heck, I can 'choose' to love him to bits if I want to!!!!! It seems I can even choose 'not' to be weighed down by so many things.
Being free to be yourself is quite 'en-lightening'
And it means 'I can choose'!
And I can choose not to remain attached to my mother.
--- End quote ---
BRAVO!!! :D
--- Quote ---People won't think I'm trying to 'be' something I don't intend to be anyway; they won't see me trying to set myself up to be Miss Perfect-PrissyPants, either (that's the one in the photo of the 8 year old BTW - never did like her a bit!).
I'm a nice kid, a bit plain Jane with straight hair, but a cute smile and slim. In the photo of the 7 year old, she looks you straight in the eye and gives you a welcome smile. It's the 'before' picture (before mother screwed me up!) - and now it just might be the 'after' picture, too!!
--- End quote ---
You go be that 7-year-old! I’m sure you'll love what you find. :D :D
--- Quote ---I just hug him and include his 'behaviour' in the hug. I'll have 'all of you', I say when he's done something wrong. He knows he's done it and he knows I know - so what's the point of saying anything??????? Just love him instead.
--- End quote ---
This is beautiful! :D Hug that 7-year-old the same way and you're gold. :D
I’m proud of you, too!!! :D :D :D
Wildflower
P.S. - That bit I said about the merry-go-round and making up your mind, I was talking to the parents who tell us we're good one minute and bad the next. I'm sure you know that, but I want to make sure you know I wasn't screaming at YOU to make up YOUR mind. :D
Anonymous:
Hi Rosencrantz (Sue),
What a moment you shared here. I've got my long frizzy hair, beads, Lennon glasses on, and psychedelic shirt. I'm Dennis Hopper and You're Peter Fonda in Easy Rider, and I'm saying "That was, like, so cool man, and so totally deep man, WOOOW! 8)." Gee, I love that movie.
Back on track. If I had such a freeing experience, I'd print it out, enlarge it and magnet it onto the fridge which is my vertical filing system. (I've so much stuff on there, now I've moved onto the washing machine. Thank goodness I don't have any more metal furniture.)
What a complex set of emotions and thoughts you've managed to have, untangle, and then express here. And where it, (you) came out!! WOOOW!!!
I ditto Wildflower's exclamation mark thing!!!!!!! You came out right in the place I'd want to if it were me. Being directed toward your son, benefitting him and you and your relationship with him. Not focused directed on some temporary relationship with an outsider, but your son first and foremost. That's fantastic parenting, by the way. And heavy stuff.
Do you share these internal psycholological emotional battles with H? I was just wondering how aware/oblivious he is to all this work you are doing?
Yes, the weight thing, you put an interesting spin on that. I like it.
And the "I'm not bored, but I do run off to the next thing easily, in search of experience and knowledge. (And it's not good for me emotionally. So I search the universe on my computer instead). That resonates with me somehow???
And I really liked the way you spell 'pouf'. I wasn't happy with my spelling which was 'poof'. So from now on I'll use yours.
Thanks so much Rosencrantz for sharing your awakening, enlightening, freeing experience. Looking forward to hearing more.
Guest
lynn as guest:
R,
A magnificent realization. You can choose. And once you cross that line, the line of understanding, you won't ever go back to the same way. Because now you know that the choice is yours. Bravo.
I celebrate your epiphany with you.
Thank you for sharing.
smiles,
lynn
Nic:
Dearest Sue,
I haven't written you in a while nor participated in this forum, i've had troubles of my own. However I do check in sporadically and I was delighted to read your post. "I can choose!" quite the cliche until you've actually realized the implication of these three words. "I", me, all of me, the awakened me, the complete me,the imperfect and that's ok me, the uncensored me, ultimately the me that loves Me..CAN, action verb..realize, potentialize, expand, go anywhere and do anything of my own volition, CHOOSE..say yes, say no..go ahead, stay put..find a comfort zone..stop for a rest and breathe easy..
And then suddenly it isn't a cliche anymore is it? I remember envying all kinds of people who had" found themselves", and not feeling that I was complete..because others owned me..hmm hmm..but now i'm me too!
I'm going to expand on this in a later post, but suffice it to say that I celebrate your freedom..it's so powerful I can taste it from here!
Merveilleux ma belle, comme je suis heureux pour toi.
love Nic. :D
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