How do you stop TALKING so much?

[bigalspal]

Hi folks,
Let me explain what I mean.
I meet a total stranger & after we've talked 5 mins, they know my whole life story!
Warts & all! My husband has been mystified by this for 15 years.
It really is inappropriate & very unsafe in today's world.
When I was in treatment (for pain pill addiction) the dr told my aunt that I "weave a web of words".It was family week & my 2 aunts came to support me. Of course my N mother refused to participate.
I think I feel if I tell you EVERYTHING, surely you'll find SOMETHING to like about me.
I just got back from the store & I did it again! Told the clerk everything about my day & how I was gonna spend the 4th. I sure wish I could get a handle on this. It could be dangerous!
How about you folks. Do you do this too?
Thank goodness for this board! I've been reading through the old posts & really getting some relief.
Finally, I have a voice!
Love to all,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

Dear Bigal pal,
   BTW,is the 'Pearl"  in your quote -   Jesus?
   I know what you mean by talking too much.I have all these same things ,too,so I am "talking" to myself as well as you. I think that it is several things. One is  a desperation to be liked .It is a huge fear of disapproval and anger. It is like a gerbil running on a wheel. We are trying to out run rejection.
  The other thing is a lack of a strong inner core . A strong core would provide us with a buffer from outside pain and rejection.Our buffer would be a sense that we are O.K. even if others don't approve of us.
  I think that it is basically fear and pain. When ,we get whole, it should really diminish. I think that for me, the old tapes that you mentioned in another post are a big part of the problem. The tapes are always telling me that I deserve nothing b/c I am such a despicable person. I really just want to go in to a hole and give up. It hurts so much to be combating all this pain. For me, the pain is worse in relationships than superficial settings. It is awful with woman. My  friend, Maria, is the sweetest girl you could ever meet,but I feel all these things with her. She just supernaturally loves me.It was really hard today b/c I am fighting this huge war with these tapes and i am discouraged     Love  Ami
   

[bigalspal]

Hi Ami,
I'm so sorry you feeling bad today. I had one of those days yesterday & you really helped me.
I guess that's the way it works.
The "Pearl" is The Black Pearl. Capt Jack's boat in Pirate's of the Caribbean.
My quote is what Jack says when he's asked about freedom.
I am a Christian, though. I do pray every night to be released from this hell I'm in. I think he granted my request. He brought me you & all the other gentle, kind people on this board. Sweet freedom!
I read about "Magical Thinking" on this board & I know that's what I'm doing with my icon of Capt. Jack. I just sail away on the Black Pearl with him when I feel stressed. I guess it really doesn't hurt to do that. I'll just make sure & monitor myself in the future. Maybe I just shouldn't take my self so seriously! 
Ami, do you want to talk about your day? I'd be GLAD to listen. I know I'll need you again soon!
Your friend,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

THANK YOU.Bigalspal
 I am hurting.
  I can't stop these tapes of worthlessness. My friend,Maria,is wonderful,but she does not understand how my mother has poisoned me.. It is like  cancer that eats away at you --inch by inch.I am a poisoned person Maria said that you have to "forgive".DAH-- I know that.
  I hope that this is just a stage. I am so angry that I could kill her over and over again a thousand times. I REALLY want her to go in to Hell- literally. I just have buckets full of hate. I have an ocean full of hate. . She used to say, Everyone abuses their kids."
   I just hate her face and her smirk. When I saw what she did- about blaming me for being a victim when SHE was the one abusing me, I snapped. I see how she used all her intelligence and psychobabble to try to take away my reality and make me insane. She is trying to make me mentally ill. She was disappointed when my son starting doing well,emotionally, in college. She loved it when he was having a bad time .she is jealous that I have a trained dog, when she screwed up the dog,too.I am just FILLED with hate.
   I don't know what to do at this stage. I wrote that post about punishing myself. I am hoping that I am "working" through this pain and will find peace at the end.
 I hope that someone can relate                               Love   Ami

[bigalspal]

Ami, oh sweetie!
I know EXACTLY what you are feeling! I, too, am filled with RAGE!!! I want her dead! She abused me horribly! But, then, my faith sneaks in & I guess I'm supposed to forgive. What a emotional rollercoaster! Up down, Up down! GOD does say we are not to be "door mats" And I've read on this board that many religious scholars say we can't honor that which in unhonorably. Oh, my head hurts!
I think the reason I don't go NC with her is that I know for a fact she will never contact me. It is always her way. So...if I go NC on her I will never get to be "mommy's little girl" Which I know will never happen anyway. But...I'm a child of hope. I have made through this world on just that ONE word! HOPE! ARRRRGGG!
Ami, we just have to hang in there TOGETHER! ALL of us!
Thank you DR. Grossman for starting this board. I might rage here, but I know it's a safe place. Unlike my childhood. I feel like a balloon. With the hate slowly hissing out of me. Will I ever recover. I doubt it. BUT...I am getting better!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

I HAVE had some  good things happen as a result of facing the things that i have faced prior to this. Yesterday, I saw that I had CHOICES. I never realized that I could chose anything. Today, I realized that I could choose friends. I just "took" whoever came my way, in a sense.I decided that I wanted to make Maria --family. I told her that I was going to "love" her the way that I love my kids---freely and honestly..IOW, I was going to be real and  not try to be perfect. I will let her in to my heart and if I get "screwed". so be it". If she hurts me--- so be it. This is new for me. It is SO painful to have an ongoing relationship with a woman. It is painful to my body and soul. It really is,but I am going to let someone in and chose who it is-- not just take "anybody"
  So, I am getting better. It just hurts today--- working through this anger and feelings of self punishment                   Love  Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi bean! Another new friend!
Hey Ami & Bean & all the other women out there.
Check this out!
http://www.mtoomey.com/theshamed.html
I found this in another post on this board. Powerful stuff!
I believe it is true in many ways.
It gave me chills.
Bigalspal
PS: Ami, I don't have but one or two women friends. And one of them is an N. Been friends with her for 9 yrs.
Nice lady most of the time, but very selfish. It's just another one of my patterns I have to break.
I do get LOTS of support from my Aunt. I LOVE HER!

[teartracks]

BGP,

Uhmmm.  We humans are strange critters!  I'm the opposite of you.  I don't talk very much.  I often second guess myself when I think I've talked too much.   Sometimes I keep quiet when I really shoud speak up.   Since I'm the opposite, I can't really speculate about how to help you stop talking so much, but if you have any tips that will help me talk more, I'll listen.

I like what the others have to say.  I don't think we've ever discussed this topic on VESMB.  Thanks for the thread.

Big smiles and a friendly handshake to you.

tt

[bigalspal]

Hi Teartracks!
You are right on, Sister!
We are strange critters!
I wish I had the secret of my big mouth to share with you. I just open it & out comes the flood!
You know I really do get defensive when people tell me I talk too much. There's that "tape" again.
I KNOW I talk to much. They don't have to tell me that.
I can do the out of body thing, & to my horror I "see" myself babbling on & on & on.
Oh, well. You know what? I'm gonna start telling myself I have great communication skills & leave it at that! LOL!
I used to get paid for it. I was a announcer on the radio until May 10. 2006.
I quit because I was at a small station for almost 9 yrs & made no money. But, I had fun!
Your friend,
Bigalspal   

[Ami]

 
 

Bean- Thanks so  much for understanding what a HUGE step it is to let someone in. I have been really
honest   with Maria when she tells me about her life. I was always afraid to be honest. Today, I told her that I thought that she was putting too much pressure on her older  D.I bring this up just to say that I used to be a "yes" man but I decided that she was "family" to me and i would treat her as family--- honest and real.She appreciated it b/c A real answer is so much better than a "fake" on-- even of you are wrong--at least you are giving your best shot.I want to love someone and let some one in-( other than my kids)-- If she hurts me--so be it..It feels so good to decide that you will care. Today, when she came over,I made her a  glass of natural,fresh apple juice( from the juicer) and a  cup of   organic Mexican coffee.I wanted to love and serve someone. I have been so afraid to give. I just wanted to stay in a 'ball' and not risk hurt.Maria is special. I am choosing to bring her in to my life and it feels like I am a real person making a decision,NOT an N's garbage pail.Also, we can discuss things that would cause most people to get in to a fight. Anyway, I have decided to risk and it is a HUGE step.
However, I think that I will confine my deep feelings about N's to you,guys. People who don't have N's don;t get that you just can't "get over it"   
  Bigalspal--- Thanks for your understanding and validation
  Thank you to all the  greatest cyberspace buddies                      Love    Ami

 

[lighter]

I do that sometimes because I feel relatively guilty and obligated to provide information if asked.  People generally ask and I generally answer, as a rule. 

I'm tired of feeling obligated and guilty so..... I've started taking the position of "observer" in the world. I observe myself and how I'm feeling first.  I validate myself and concentrate on wha's making me feel the way I'm feeling.   

I've started paying attention to my feelings...... to stopping the anxiety before it takes over my thought processes. 

I focus and I pay attention to my surroundings, the light, the temperature.  I seek out pleasure and identify it.  I focus on positive things and expect to be approached by bad people, as well as nice people.  I don't assume anything about anyone.  Taking the position of an observer is new for me. 

When I'm approached, I slow down and continue to think/observe, not react.  I've grown to expect that the people who are typically bold enough to come up and insist on gaining my attention and compliance, are generally controlling self entitled pushy people I need to handle.  I don't need to please and entertain them.  I don't feel complelled to please them anymore. 

If I talk too much to a cashier or someone I run accross, who isn't seeking my attention, maybe I'm feeling a bit manic and need to discharge some of that energy to someone else?  I feel like I'm doing that sometimes.  Maybe it's ME seeking out the attention from someone?  I've noticed it's never anyone who would feel entitled to it, it's always someone who wouldn't approach me with a self entitled air about them. 
 

[bigalspal]

Hi lighter,
That's some good advice! I need to become an observer, too. SLOOOOW down.
I'm sure the reason I talk all the time & tell strangers intimate details is that I never felt "heard".
You know, I've read alot of posts where NMothers wring their hands & demand attention from their kids. But I absolutely cannot relate to that! My NMother is stone cold. I can't remember EVER having a conversation with her. Never. Oh, there were PLENTY of words spoken. All one- sided. In anger or coldness. Just no normal human interaction. I'm sure that's why I talk talk talk. Look at me. SEE me. I'm HERE! I matter! My loving aunt always tells me. "You belong on the earth." "You have a right to exist." I know I am sooooo lucky to have that support. I know it & I feel it. BUT...it's not from the one who matters. And I have a double whammy. My bio dad took off when I was 9 months old. Can't say I blame him. Just wish that when I called him at age 24, that he didn't try to stick his tongue down my throat. He's been dead along time now. I can't say I care. We never bonded anyway.  ARRRGGG!! Such is the cruelty of humans. To their own flesh & blood.
All that being said, for the first time it doesn't seem as important that "she" hears me. You know why? It's because of this board. WOW! I finally have been "Heard". THANK YOU!
I love you guys!
Bigalspal

[lighter]

Another thought.... as an INFP I strive for authenticity in my life.  My reality must reflect my inner self and feelings and vice a versa.  I can imagine that you're probably a very honest human being who wants people you come in contact with to get the real you, warts and all, (and then judge you worthy or reject you?)  I know I want an honest opinion based on the facts, not on my version of them.

I definately can give a rundown of my situation rapidly and fluidly, warts and all, and my T said he'd never gotten so much information in such a short span of time from a client before.  I tend to tell just as much about my warts, maybe more, than the beauty marks, kwim?

[lighter]

I get a lot of support from this board also.  I don't know if I'd be doing as well as I am, to tell you the truth, without it.

You're articulate and I hear you, pal.

Keep posting and growing..... we're here for you.

[Ami]

dear Bigals pal,
    How are you doing today?                     Love   Ami