Hey Red,
I read your post earlier, and didn’t have a chance to reply in depth earlier. I am sure you have probably seen this, but just in case, the link below shows the definition of an N according to DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition)
http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/narcissisticpd.htm (On edit - had the wrong link here, this is the correct one) Personally I believe, that like most disorders, N’ism ranges from mild to severe. It doesn’t seem to me to be an all or nothing thing. At the mild end, you might call it N’tendencies (or “rip your hair out frustrating, but generally severe selfishness that isn’t too harmful”); at the other end it would blend into psychopathic/antisocial behavior (with horrific actions perpetrated against other people).
If she does have N’ism, it seems to me that she is more towards the mild end of the continuum. I think this is a good thing, because with a mild N, if you want to maintain a relationship, it may be possible (although not easy), to contain some of the behavior with some firm boundaries. If she doesn’t have N’ism, she, IMO, is still behaving inappropriately in a time of extreme grief. It may be that grief is driving it, but there are more appropriate ways for her to express it, and at 38 years of age, I would not hesitate to tell her, in a firm, but loving manner.
Again, this is just my opinion. We talk a lot about NC here, but if it were my daughter, I would not give up on her. Do you think enforcing some firm, but loving, boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable behavior would work?
For example, I have a daughter, who every once in awhile will yell at me. Typically, she is frustrated with a friend or her little sister – but I become the target. I don’t get hooked in (most of the time), and I calmly tell her that I am more than willing to discuss it with her in a positive way, and that when she can calm down enough to speak with me in a calm, nice tone of voice, I will discuss it with her. Usually takes the wind right out of her sails, however, sometimes there is a bit of a pout. I just calmly wait it out.
I have found that the really important thing is to keep it as unemotional as possible. If I react emotionally, good or bad, she either flares up, or she will jump on it and use it against me. (Typical behavior for kids and Ns). In my own personal experience (my Dad was pretty bad), I found that reacting emotionally was like bleeding in a tank with a hungry great white shark – they sense the blood (emotion) and go in for the kill. (Although again, he was pretty bad – I don’t think your D is as bad as he was).
Now my daughter is under 10, not 38. I think there may be a couple of risks to setting boundaries with your daughter. She may walk away and take your grandson with her. Her behavior may escalate, in which case you may have to build a stone wall for a time instead of a line in the sand, but it might work.
Dandylife – if I recall, your H is N and you decided to stay with him? Do boundaries work?
Not sure if this is helpful, but it might give you a breather for a time. You definitely deserve some peace, especially right now. I am not a trained professional. If you think this might help, check this with your T first.
Fighting an N is an uphill battle, with no guarantee of success. In my opinion, given everything you are going through right now, I think it is a battle that would be good to take on another day. Maybe a year from now, when you are on more stable footing, you may be able to encourage your daughter to seek joint counseling with you. Phrase it in a such a way that it is in the hopes of learning to speak each other’s language, and to forge a new and better relationship with her. (Don’t phrase it as though there is anything wrong with her or you – just a little old anger there on my part - my parents sent me to T to get me “fixed” since I was so difficult. Have to say it was the best thing they ever did for me!)
Peace
