Information on N children please

[lighter]

Does anyone have any information on how to keep our children from developing N tendencies?

[Ami]

IMO, a very simple thing to do is be scrupulously honest at all times with them(age appropriate).
  N's are built and made with lies as the foundation and as the glue  What I would have given as a child for one person to simply have said,"Your mother has problems. It is not your fault."
  Scott Peck's books are really good. They show that an entire"mental illness" can be built on one single lie. Once a person starts lying to themselves, they start digging a hole deeper and deeper .At some point, the person is "lost" as to how to get out. Then, they need some outside intervention to show them the way. . This is the theory that I am seeing lately.
  It helps me not to blame my Mother so much. I realize how very,very lost I was.
 Anyway, Lighter, I would never, ever compromise honesty.For example,if someone just raged and the child is upset, you discuss it honestly  and always try to make sure that the child does not feel responsible.
  "You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free "would  be the motto that I would have.
                                                               Love   Ami

[gratitude28]

Hi Lighter,
I think it is very important to teach your kids to be grateful and thankful. I point out to my children how fortunate they are not only to have material goods and food to eat, but also healthy bodies to enjoy. I also make sure they understand that all people are special in some way. Sounds kind of hokey... but it is so important and has made them into kind and caring kids.
How old are your kids?? I'd love to hear about them.
Love, Beth

[reallyME]

I have an almost 18 year old daughter who shows occasional N and BPD tendencies.  For instance, she will swear to lies, even if people heard her say things.  She will say something to you one moment and the next moment deny ever having said it.

The N part is when you tell her she looks nice and she says "I know.  Everyone wishes they were as good-looking as I am."  Or she will go and take a shower and parade past me saying, "you know you wanna look.  you know you want some of this!"  Or she puts on her tight jeans and says "you WISH you looked as good as I do."  Things like that.

Now, the saving value of her, is that, we have been a rather poor family.  She has NOT been able to have everything she wanted, nor sometimes, even things that she needed.  She and my other children have learned to APPRECIATE what they have, as a result of often being homeless and in poverty.

Today, we went to a food pantry (husband got in car accident and can't work right now), and my daughter said to me "Mom, I've decided that next time we get a lot of money, we need to send it to pantries like this.  Think of the people who have nothing and they come here to eat their next meals.  I just feel really sad for them."

It's so nice to know that even SOME of the lessons in life, really can STICK, even with children who seem so heartless and conceited at times.

By the way, interesting that "Miss "all that" still sucks her thumb at almost 18 yrs old...Is she really as secure as she puts out there?

doubt it.

~Laura

[lighter]

Gratitude and ReallME:

I have to work on helping my children be grateful for what they have. 

I think I'm so overwhelmed at times I can't always focus on that, and everything else I have on my plate. Must prioritize.  The children are first. 

Thanks for everyone's responses. 

[Brigid]

Lighter,
I just heard a story on the radio the other night about this very subject.  Experts (whoever they may be) studying narcissism, are finding that children today are showing many more n traits than previous generations.  They attribute that to the many parents who are constantly making their children feel they are so special, wonderful, smart, gifted, whatever, and are unwilling to allow their children to experience failure or disappointment.  Their point was (I think), that parents have tried so hard to not bring negativity into their children's lives--based on child psychologists telling us the damage that can do--that they have gone too far the other way, and children now think that they are able to do whatever they please, whenever they please and the world will accommodate them.

I think it is just finding a good balance between praising them when appropriate, but also letting them know when they have disappointed you and having consequences for bad behavior.  They need to learn humility and as Beth said, to be grateful for what they have.  Being honest, kind and caring individuals are all behaviors to be rewarded, IMO, rather than just their accomplishments.

Brigid

[lighter]

Thanks CB, S&S and Brigid:

My kids do see outrage from me for certain behavior.  I see lying in the oldest and some in the youngest.  Must work on stronger consequences for that. 

I just assumed that most children lie and if I consistently calmly guide/train them up it will straighten out.  Not sure but will be stronger in lying department from now on.  I model too much empathy, methinks S&S, lol. 

Yikes on your post Brigid.  I know I have too much patience with my children.  I get told that by an older loved one who's with us quite a bit.  It's not that I don't ever allow them to feel they've done wrong but...... I am very patient and tend to NEVER shame till I go all outrage on them with the "HOW DARE YOU......(insert behavior)?" 

I'll give all this some more thought.  Thanks again for your input.