I am STUPID....

[sweetgrass]

I made a HUGE mistake today. This mistake has made me feel worst than I felt the day I confronted my XN about his cheating on me.

I had the N on  mind. I wanted to call him, but of course I would not. Well I called his his sister. She knew immediately who I was. As we got into the conversation, I asked about the N. Learned he was doing great, and working on a big project. Also, seems that he and his new "girlfriend" are doing pretty good. She has been communicating with one of the other sisters seemly, on a regular basis. It just made me literally sick on my stomach.

I didn't think he would be sitting around crying over me, but i did not think he and his new girlfriend would be hitting off so great.

I am very upset, and feeling ill. I guess I was hoping he was on his way back to me. Also, I have to now realize it is really over for us. He has started his new life, "without me."

I have been in denial. Now I have to face the abandoment, and cheating all over again.

what in the H*#* is my problem?  How, and why, am I so D*** stupid?????
It is as if I haven't been listening to anything my Therapist has been saying? Why have I been going to him?

Here I go again....

Sweetgrass

[Hopalong]

Aww, Sweetgrass, do you know how COMMON that is?

Please don't beat yourself up. It is called a "slip"...and if I started describing how many of those I had while my obsessive dependencies/denials/compulsitve contacts with Nxbfs were winding down....

I swear we'd run out of Internet.

Two steps forward plus one step back still equals FORWARD.

Hard as it is, maybe this slip was a gift, because it's ripped away the last shred of denial. And that's life-saving.

Yup, one more bout of painful grief. But I will bet my left foot that this one will be waaaay shorter.

As to shame and humiliation that you caved to the craving? Well, hon, indulge it for another hour, really rip on yourself. Then check your watch and be done with that, okay?

hugs
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Sweet grass
   It is your heart and body that wants him---not your intellect. It is about worthlessness and pain inside(IMO).
   I am getting healed now. I am finding that unique special person inside of me. I am even starting to like that person.
   I was thinking about a relationship with a 'man" today. Before,I gave myself away to a man and made myself a blank slate that he could fill in as he chose. I just wanted to be loved and taken care of so badly that I would sell myself for a drop of love.
   I can see that as I gain my own love that I would not be willing to sell myself so cheaply.
   I am just in the beginning stages of finding my core and then loving myself. However, I see these issues as your deeper problem.
   I have been there. I understand the yearning that  is "unbearable"
    I think that you have to heal your core or else  the "relationship" will repeat with another man and another man.
   When I was in  my support group, I would observe  people's relationships
. I was really close to some woman ,so they would tell me about the relationships.I would see the pattern of the hurting woman wanting the man to give her her "self". She was an empty vessel and he was the 'Liquid" to fill it. One girlfriend had been married 6 times and she was only 36. She  really helped me see this pattern. She was the sweetest girl,but the 'drug" of a person's love was the fuel that got her in this situation. She married 6 of the same people,in a way. The last one started as a "dream". they were so "lovey- dovey". Then, after a year,he was abusing her. . I saw another friend with a similar situation. These were great girls. they had one thing missing,. They did not love and honor their "core".
   I see honoring your "core" as the way out. Even though you feel "betrayed "by him b/c he "replaced" you so soon ,one day, you will be very happy that you did not have the 'choice' about taking him back.   
    You will heal Sweet. I don't know any way other than face the reasons that you have so little value for yourself                           Love  Ami
                                                                                                         Love  Ami

[WRITE]

I think it's because we have more human emotions- we can't just turn them on and off like an NPD person does.

He moved on fast because he's damaged, and he'll abuse and move on from her too probably.

But don't obsess about them, work on your own grieving and letting go and rebuilding yourself.

Be gentle to yourself, acknowledge that things have been hard for you. Sometimes I have found my therapy left me with wanting to feel 'fixed' when really it was just moving a stage in the process....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[finding peace]

Oh sweetheart - you are not stupid - you are human and hurting.

Be gentle with yourself.

((((((((((((((((Sweetgrass))))))))))))))))))))

[bigalspal]

Sweetgrass,
I'm Bigalspal. Nice to meet you!
I'm going to tell you a story. In 1988 I met a man who taught me the meaning of heartbreak!
He was an N charmer who swept me off my feet. Told me EVERYTHING I wanted to hear. The sex was mindblowing.We eventually married. Once we were MARRIED, he just did a 180. He started abusing me. Hitting me was not the worst part. The playing with my mind & my emotions, was waaaay worse. One time he sat me down & called me "Sad Eyes". Like in that song from Robert Johns. (of course in that song there was another woman, not in my case) Not YET anyway. He proceeded to tell me we had to break up. Little did I know this was just the beginning. He even had me pack my thing & took me to a friends house and dropped me off. It was like I was in physical withdrawal from a drug! It hurt so bad. Well, he came after me in a few days. And it happened over & over again. Just when I started trusting him again, BAM!
My grandmother died & left me a CD worth $1,000. I gave EVRY red cent to him to pay off some of HIS bills. He moved me to Tampa, Fl. & then enrolled in computer classes & never worked a day after that. I did. I paid for EVERYTHING! My boss at work noticed I never ate lunch & asked me WHY. I couldn't afford to eat. He bought a Harley! I paid for it! How? I suffered!
My family hated him! But, I was "in love". Bondage, is the correct term. I found a letter in his glove box from another woman. He grabbed it away from me before I could read all of it & told me she was the once chasing him & that he didn't do anything wrong. I ended up in a mental ward for a week!
I finally got the nerve to leave him & he tried & tried to get me back. How I resisted, I don't know. His hold on me was VERY strong.
Till the day (a year later) I met a man  who became my now husband!
Even on our first date, all I could talk about was ---!
My husband called me on it & it was like a light bulb went on. I took a look at the handsome caring man I was with & that was all it took. We have been together over 15 yrs! We'll be MARRIED 15 yrs in Dec. It's like night & day. The man I'm married to is not perfect, by any means, but he is my LOVE. He would never dream of abusing me the way the other man did.
So Sweetgrass, don't be so hard on yourself, & NEVER give up!
There is someone just waiting to love you. How can I be so sure? Because it happened to me.
And I KNOW how you are suffering! It HORRIBLE! The pain never seems to let up, right? Well it will. I promise. I had been abused so long by my NMother & abandoned by my bio father that I guess I thought I deserved to be treated that way. I had been conditioned to be treated that way.
I'm so sorry that stupid N bastard (sorry) is hurting you.
You just keep on talking about it, OK?
Love,
Bigalspal

[pennyplant]

Sweetgrass,

It wasn't stupid--it was your way of being sure and now you know more than you did before.  It was educational.  And I'm not being flip about it.  It is important that you learned this and now you have.  I deal daily with that sickening feeling of seeing other people fall all over the Ns and various other people who I consider to be boring, sorry, slackers who make my life harder.  And it makes me feel like--what am I?  Nothing?  Nobody?  More of a loser than the Ns?  Why do people like them better?  It is hard to face.  But maybe the lesson isn't that there is something lacking in us that made others not choose us.  The lesson is to keep building a strong, real self from the inside out.  We don't really need that external worship that the Ns need and seem to get.  We need a real self.  I don't know what comes next after that.  I'm still working on the "building a me" stage.  But I'm pretty well past the educational stage.  That need to keep trying to get them to see me and want me which leads to learning that they have moved on and don't care--it does pass.  Partly because it is so painful, I suppose.  But also because one does learn after awhile.  And then you move on.  You get tired of learning what you already know.

It was very painful to hear what you heard and to be able to visualize it, too.  That is very painful.  But you will be able to pick yourself up again.  It will be okay soon.  Maybe sooner than you think.  Sometimes I have been surprised by how quickly I can pick myself back up again after learning something really hard and letting myself feel it rather than panicking and pushing it back down. 

Be kind to yourself, Sweetgrass.  You didn't do anything stupid or wrong.

Pennyplant

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((Sweet)))))))))))))))

Progress not perfection...

You will be fine. You are not stupid - just human.
Love, Beth

[spyralle]

Hi Sweetgrass,

When my ex N left me (two yrs ago) after stealing all my money and cheating, all I wanted was for him to come home.  I tried to tell myself that what he had done was wrong and that it wasn't my fault but secretly I was dreaming of his return.  I came here and spilled my guts day after day.  I went to therapy I broke apart completely.  Everytime I started to feel better something else would trigger my feelings and of I'd go again.  I work with addicts and I have done for years and I suddenly realised that my behaviour was similar to my clients.  That desperate craving for something that could only do me harm.  That sacrifice of my whole self in pursuit of something so destructive.  I started to remember what I teach my clients about the cycle of change and about how lapse and relapse are a big part of that.

It is normal to lapse back into old behaviours sweetie.  It is in no way stupid.  But you know what every time you do that, even though it may not feel like it you get that tiny bit stronger and that tiny bit more determined.  You are worth so much more and one day you will realise that...  Just takes a while is all..

Keep posting.. we are all standing right here with you x

Spyralle xxx

[Tweety]

Dear Sweetgrass,
Please don't beat yourself up, you are by no means stupid. Maybe somewhere deep inside you, you knew you needed to go back( for whatever reasons) , just so you can go forward. That's how healing occurs, from my experience anyway. Honor your feelings and who you are, don't label your feelings or your self as "stupid", get those critical parent voices ( I call them) out of your head and if you can't get them out, tell them to "F" off ( am I allowed to say that) lol . You need to stop being so critical of yourself, that was the "N's jobs. not ours. We need to honor our feelings and ourselves. I can't tell you how many steps backwards I thought i was taking ( beating my self up and calling myself stupid) , only to realise they actually moved me forward.
Keep up the good work and don't give up . Remember its progress, not perfection.
Hugs to you
Tweety

[moonlight52]

Hey Tweety,

Welcome to you and you are so right forgiving self and others is not easy.
Finding undertanding within to reach for peacefulness this has been a lifelong struggle.

I am responsible for me and doing the best I can and my intent is to free myself from painful experiences
also I am grateful to be getting a handle on not beating myself up.

Hugs ,
moonlight

[Tweety]

Hey Moonlight,
Thanx for the welcome.
It is so hard to be forgiving of ourselves. To let ourselves just "be" without criticising ourselves. My goal is to seek balance .That comfortable place between my head and my heart.....
May you find that place for you.
Blessings and hugs
Tweety

[confused2]

hopalong,ami,write,finding peace,moonlight,bigalspal,pennyplant,gratitude, spirally& tweety,

thank all of you for your encouraging words,hugs, and patience. i value each of your comments. bigalspal, nice to meet you, also. shewwwwww what a story. I am so happy that your true love found you. it sounds like you have a special husband. hold him tight and don't let him go. tell him often how thankful you are for his love.

it is sat, 8:20 p.m. where i am. i had a full day. my sister surprised me with a visit today! we had lunch, went shopping, had a massage, and ending our day together with a cone of ice cream sitting on a bench at the store front. God knew i needed her today, so He sent her my way. I am so thankful. i can't say i did not think of my xb/f, but i have not  had time to dwell on him. after i got hm, i cleaned and did some laundry. I think after this post, i am going to bed and watch a little t.v. hopefully, i will find a good movie, and afterwards, fall off to sleep.

it is still weird not being with him on a sat evening, but i will just have to get use to it. i am going to try and think of the negative part of our relationship, instead of what was fun. he did, and said some mean things to me during our time together. I need to make myself understand that was all part of the relationship. once i started to bring those things out of the closet, maybe i will start to see him as he really is.

someone said in their post that he will probably treat his "new girlfriend" the way he treated me, and leave her as well. nothing would make me happier in knowing that she would leave him! i guess that is possible. They always seem to have things their way. they seem to be bigger than life. i must remind myself that the truth is, they are very unhappy people that have the ability to make others think they have it all together. What they really want is to be like us loving, caring, and capable of love,  and to enjoy life.

I once read a statement by Mayou Angelo that said: "When a person shows you who they are, we are to believe them." 

Sweetgrass

[axa]

Hi Confused,

I understand your pain.  I do think also it is like withdrawal sympthoms.  I know that when Ithrew XN out I never wanted anything to do with him again but I was left with the pain.  This surprised me as I was the one to end the "relationship".  I have no doubt that he is doing ok.  He went back to Xwife who was waiting.  The bottom line is that if he lied, used, abused, manipulated etc you he will do it to her.  Of course he is in the grooming phase right now.  Everything will be wonderful, it will last as long as she is willing to put up with the abuse or he finds another source of supply to abuse.

It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that you were nothing other than an object/supply.  How I think about it is like this.  I do not miss an old piece of furniture I threw out because it was worn and did not like it any longer.  IT is exactly the same thing.  We were that old furniture.  He now has a lovely new piece which he will be bored of when the shine wears off.

I think it is important to remember it is not all wonderful with them.  This is just a phase.  Also I think the less energy you give to them the better for yourself, easier said than done.  I know that XN went back to someone who had abandoned their children, manipulated the kids, would not support herself, has no friends, is unstable...... why?  because she will take the abuse.  You are free of that and it takes time to see it.  When I look at a picture of XN I get the creeps, it has taken me some time to see the real person and trust me it aint a pretty sight.

What you are going through is all part of the process of healing.  Do not beat yourself up.  You are not stupid, you are human.  I agree with CB on another post where she said the more she puts her energy into her own life the less she is angry with XN.  Your revenge dear one is to grow from this madness and be your wonderful happy self.

axa