Instant Gratification

[gratitude28]

Hey all,
I have been reading Children of the Self-Absorbed and one thing she pointed out is that Ns are incapable of delaying gratification. Boy, is that the truth. She also said that because of this they are unable to put their children first...
So part of what she says in order to maintain some sort of relationship (get rid of one's anger) is to realize that Ns "did the best they could." I know this is true, but I am having a hard time accepting this...
What so you all think about these ideas??
Love, Beth

[bigalspal]

Hi Beth,
Boy, have I heard that my whole life!
I'm sorry they didn't love you enough to feed you appropriately BUT THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD!! I'm sorry they made you fell worthless your whole life, but THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD! I'm sorry you are STILL suffering for they way they treated you but, THEY DID THE BEST THEY COULD!
I guess in a way I believe that. A little. But I have heard that from everyone my whole life. It just used to ENRAGE me. I think it devaluated what I went through.
Bigalspal

[gratitude28]

You are so right BAP... it does make it seem like it is not their fault... But I am also pretty sure that we cannot be happy if we are living with the hatred we feel. I know I need to let it go, but sometimes I don't want to. But what can one do with the anger? Confrontation is pointless. Telling others is pointless...
((((((((((((BAP)))))))))))))

[bigalspal]

Beth, as you can tell that hit a sore spot with me. 
I have come leaps & bounds from where I was before I joined this board.
Just shows me that I have more work to do. At least now I don't have the urge to strangle the kind folks (who mean well) that say that to me.
Ever since she stole money from my family, they are LESS inclined to say that to me. In fact, I don't believe I've heard it ONCE since then! Funny how that works, huh?
Love,
Bigalspal

[Hopalong]

I think "She did the best she could" only has meaning when we say it.

When we feel it
When we want to
When we're by ourselves
When we're at peace

Until then, the peanut gallery can go back in its shell, imo.

Hops

[axa]

Beth,

I know with my NMom and NDad they did the best they could because they were so self absorbed that they had no idea what they were doing to me.  With XN it was different.  HE KNEW and continued and really got off on the abuse so I do not accept that.  As regards to do with delayed gratification, XN always accused me of that.  To put it in context I would get so angry at always waiting for "my turn".  He seemed to be able to delay gratification but that was because he was getting what he wanted from me and could wait for his own plans to work out.

About the anger.  I talked to my T about this the other day and she suggested I was externalising part of myself that I was unwilling to claim.  I guess I took the energy from my anger towards XN and used it to move myself forward.  I think the anger is self protecting, it helps us keep boundaries and is part of our survival mechanism.  I guess it becomes a problem when we hold onto it for too long.  Maybe it is tied up with forgiveness.  I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness is not about the other but about ourselves. I have worked on forgiving myself for being taken in by such a pathetic creature.... hard work and this has helped me move on from it.  I also find that the more focused I am on MY life the less anger I feel.  I guess when I think of XN now it is like walking along the road and seeing a dead rat.  I get a shiver of disgust and continue on.

Axa

[pennyplant]

Hi Beth,

For me lately, I've been realizing and owning some of the ways in which I have been like them with the flip side of these characteristics.  I mean that I too had/have some problems with instant gratification.  For me, it is like Axa says--when was it ever going to be my turn?  For once in my life when can I have what I want?  On the surface it probably seems the same as their need for instant gratification.  But below the surface it is not.

However, I can use that knowledge about my own desire for instant gratification, and how hard it has been to let go of that, and apply this understanding to how impossible it is for them to even see that part of themselves, let alone let go of it--and it kind of takes the steam out of me.  I can start to move on to the next issue.

Since I am feeling better at times, I do think I'm making progress.  That I'm actually crossing things off the list.  My "healing list".

Pennyplant

[Ami]

This is a fantastic thread. I think that there is some "complex" answer for the question,but I am trying to find it. .I will write later.                 Love  Ami