I am Loosing my daughter and I cant stand the pain!

[sandra]

My husband left me this time last yea, telling me that he loved another woman (who i thought was a so called friend) and no longer loved me. after finding text messages on his phone from him and this woman i finally asked him to leave.
My daughter who is 13 years old was a tower of strength and stayed be my side, now a year on she has decided that she hates me and is going to live with her dad. (My 16 year old son is staying with me).
R spend every Sunday and Wednesday with her Dad who has been taking her down to this other woman's house where they tell her how mad and pathetic i am, buy her presents and spoil her rotten.

When she comes home she is lippy and often disrespectful, and my son and her often end up having major arguments because he cannot stand the way she speaks to me.

She moves out on August 5th and wants to take everything from her bedroom including the bed, I asked her the other day what she was going to sleep on when she came and stayed, she said 'who says i am going to bother staying here'.

I feel as though my ex and his woman has stolen my baby and it is breaking my heart. i know i have to let her go in order that she may return one day. I just hold onto the fact that i love her so much and one day i hope she will see just how much.

Sandra x

[Overcomer]

You are very wise but I feel for you.  She will come around!

[debkor]

Sandra,

I'm so sorry.  I do agree with OC let her go and I also think she will come around someday also.  She is at that snotty age.     I'm sorry about your friend that is the ultimate betrayal, I think, from a FRIEND.  Don't worry hon, someday he will no longer love her either.  I do believe in what goes around comes around.   

Leave your door open and she will be walking back through it someday.  She's going to need your love after she realises that money just is not filling in her needs.  Keep loving her unconditional. 

Give her time she's very young.


Deb

[Ami]

Dear Sandra,
 I am so,very,very,sorry. You must be heartbroken. I don't know how you go on with this level of betrayal.,my friend.
   Deb seems to have wisdom on the situation.May the grace of God hold you up and surround you.   
    May God hold you in His loving arms                                              Love and a Big hug    Ami

[bigalspal]

Hi Sandra,
I agree with Ami. The level of betrayal is heartbreaking!
But remember how young she is! She'll come around.
In the meantime, just keep pouring your heart out to us. We understand betrayal better than anyone.
Just resist the impulse to be mad at her(I know that would be hard for me) & just wait.
The unfairness of it all is horrible!
One day she will see through all of her father's lies & manipulations, I promise.
And when she (hopefully not) gets betrayed by a boyfriend or spouse, she will REALLY understand!
Love,
Bigalspal

[Brigid]

Hi Sandra,
My xnh left me for another woman when my daughter was 15 (nearly 4 years ago).  I understand the level of your pain for the infidelity (fortunately for me, it was not a friend or even acquaintance), and know that it would have killed me to have my d leave too. 

I agree with what the others have said.  You are doing the right thing to let her go--and try very hard to avoid the guilt trips or anger (easier said than done, I know).  She is at that rotten age of 13 (much worse for girls than boys) and is trying to gain her independence.  Her father has presented the perfect opportunity and she is jumping at the chance.  She doesn't like your rules of behavior which her father does not currently employ so he can be "Disneyland Dad."  My guess is that as soon as he has her around 24/7, he will either decide that he, too, must implement some rules, or send her back to mom.  The girlfriend probably won't dig having her around all the time either as it will cut into her time.

I am sure your d will eventually realize that she misses her mom despite the rules and expectations of proper behavior.  Whatever you do, do not stoop to your xh's level and indulge her when you're with her.  She needs for you to be consistent in your treatment and expectations of her.  Thankfully, you still have your son with you.  Hold onto that for now, and I'm sure your d will eventually come back as well.

Many blessings,

Brigid

[pennyplant]

So very sorry, Sandra.  This is one of the hardest things to go through.

Pennyplant

[innerquest]

Sandra, 

Sorry you are going thru this horrible pain.  I agree with others, you have to let her go now.   You have to stay strong, to help the children especially.   Try to think it in 5, 10 years term, then you see you will survive.  This is a phase you are going thru.  You decide how you are going thru it.  Keep writing about your pain here.  Also try to find some other board which is specifically about marriage betrayal.  You need the validation and support.

Love to you.

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Sandra...I am so glad you're here.

What a test. I'm so sorry for so much hurt.
Here's the thing:

YOU ARE GOING TO HEAL FROM HIS BETRAYAL AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S ADOLESCENCE.
Not only that, but what you do now--how you handle it--is going to demonstrate to your daughter how a woman, and a mother, with self-esteem and dignity behaves.

Of course she has hurt you.

Here's your job. (I'm preaching...no connection to having handled things right myself! But I believe this now, with all my heart). I believe your job is to:

--tell your daughter that nothing she does, ever, will make you love her less.
--tell her you're keeping the bed in case she might want to spend the night in 2025. Ignore her response.
--let her go, and do not cry until she's out the door

Find a T and women's support group now, and pour out your pain. Keep going.

And keep posting.

(((((((((Sandra))))))))

Hopalong

[lighter]

(((sandra))))

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I don't have any advice and your post scared the hell out of me so I'll just say I hope your dd figures this out and you find a way to help her understand.  Surely, someday, the kids always figure out what really happened.

In the meantime.... can you start therapy with her? 

Good luck

[sandra]

Thank you for listening.

My daughter did go to the school counsellor but once her dad told her it was a waste of time and that it was no one else's business she stopped going.

I am worried what all this is going to do to her later!!

Only this morning she started asking if she could take this that and the other, i told her that i did not have time to talk about it and that we could discuss it at a different time (the real reason was very selfish on my part.....i just can't deal with talking about it) its just too painful to think that all the pictures and nick nacs are going from her room. A couple of years ago she wanted her room decorated so with a bad back i painted, stenciled, and loving brought everything new for a room that she loved, it is going to look so empty. But my heart is going to be more empty without my little girl around. i have only ever been away from her on a couple of occasions when my parents have looked after her.

SORRY!!!

I am being very silly she is still alive and i will get to see her just not every day, but my heart is so heavy at the thought of it.

love

Sandra x

[Ami]

Dear Sandra,
   You are NOT being silly at all. Sometimes a betrayal like this is WORSE than death. Death would make more" sense" than your own daughter  shoving all the love, care and tenderness that you gave her --in your face. It is despicable.
    You sound like a wonderful mother.. My impression from reading your posts are that you are a sensitive and caring person. You must have been a really loving mother.I wish that I would have had a mother like you.
   I had the 'beginnings" of a similar situation where my H tried to turn my sons against me. My H is not in the level of yours. He has N traits but not a fulll NPD. Anyway, the little headway that he made turning my son"against" me was very, very painful. It was a very small fraction of your pain. I am so,very very sorry for you. Come to the board and cry, ask questions and grieve, We will be here   Love     
                                                                                                                                        Ami

[sea storm]

CB that is great advice.


Sandra your daughter sounds very angry about the breakup.  if you can stand it listen to her anger. Ask her what is making her so angry and listen. Do not get defensive.  When she lets off the first blast and seems finished, ask her if the is anything else. Try to be accepting of her feelings.  She may be angry because she sees you falling apart and she can't stand it. This happened to me and it was very painful.  You might be surprised at what your daughter comes up with.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are probably the sanest person in the group even though right now you feel like you are falling apart because your feelings are so big.  This business of your X telling your daughter you are bonkers etc is so predictable it is almost laughable. This is what such a creep does to save his image.  Don't let it get to you as it is absolute baloney.
Things will calm down if you let them. Take care of yourself as your life depends on it.

This could be a time when your daughter and you really get to know each other for real.  Both of you are hurting but in different ways.  Let her know how you feel without blaming X. Ask her how she feels. 
For example:  I know this is hard for both of us and right now I am really struggling to stay afloat. Some days I Just want to hide me head under the covers.  But we are going to make it through this together.  How do you feel honey?  ( If she doesn't tell you draw a line with one at one end and ten at the other and ask her where she is at. )

Or say:   I notice that we have been fighting a lot and this makes me really sad. Is there something I can do to make this easier for you?

Or:  I Know you are thinking of going to Daddy's and I wish you would tell me how I can make it easier for you to stay here.

And really listen with no interuptions and no defensiveness. Good luck.


Sea storm

[axa]

Sandra,

Everyone here has given you sound advice IMO.  This is such a hard time for you.  I would not let her take the bed either.  Let her father buy her a bloody bed.  She has her own room and bed in your house and that is how it should stay.  I think she is just acting out and also teenagers will be drawn towards the one who gives them what they perceive as the easiest ride.

I lost my 15 year old daughter from illness four years ago and the pain of that was terrible.  Three years later I lost XNn's daughter who now has no contact with me and that was almost unbearable knowing that she rejected me and choose to be with people who have manipulated her.  But that was her choice.  I do not know if i will ever see XNs daughter again but accept that she has made her choices.  Whenever I visit a church I light two candles, one for each of my lost girls.  I have no doubt that once the honeymoon is over with Dad she will slowly come back.  TRust the love you have given her and hold onto yourself.

I am sorry you have experienced such betrayl.

axa

[Sela]

Hi Sandra, welcome.

I'm so sorry you're going through this awful period.  It's very difficult. 

Good for you for coming here and speaking about your pain and all.  Keep doing that as much as you need to and you will get the support you need.

Hold onto the hope that things will work out between you and your daughter.  Like others have said, she will likely see the light and figger out who really cares about her (you).

I wish I could ease your suffering (which I can really relate to) but I know there are no words.  The only thing I would suggest is that you be honest with your daughter and tell her how much you are hurting and how much you will miss her and how you wish she would stay and how you would like to work on your relationship with her and will keep trying for as long as it takes (or whatever words express your true feelings).  She needs to know that you have feelings....are a person who will suffer because of her choice.  This is not to impose guilt, either, but to make it clear to her what your feelings are (so she won't think you don't have any or are not effected by this).

((((((((((Sandra)))))))))

Hang in there.  At least you have your son with you.   How is he feeling about all this?

Sela

PS: on edit.....

Forgot to say:

Oh Axa!  I feel for you too!  I'm so sorry for all of your pain!  (((((((((Axa)))))))).  I hope your ex's D will come back.  Good for you for lighting those candles!   Such a positive symbol of your love and hope.