Counter - I'm glad you found this board. I found it a couple of years ago and began posting last August. By that time I was fairly certain that the term Narcissistic applied to my father. I have since learned that from psychologists and psychiatrists that indeed my father has NPD and my mother has N traits. Because my parents come from wealthy and prominent families they were able to appear to be in the normal range. Because of this I completely identify with your first paragraph and found absolutely no understanding or compassion from friends, relatives or anyone. So, "yes, your statement sounds perfectly familiar."
One of the descriptions about Ns that didn't seem to fit either of my parents is that Ns are patological liars. Until recently I was unaware of my parents uncontrollable lieing. How I could have lived for almost 50 years and not understood this is really beyond me but I have learn the very hard lesson that they both live to lie - a very painful and demoralizing realization.
That your father died 5 years ago, unfortunately, in no way releases the harm and pain of having grown up and lived with an N father who was incapable of loving, adoring, supporting, nourishing his very offspring. It goes against the very grain of human expectation and necessity.
It is not a surprise to me that your coping skills are failing you. It appears to be a product of aging. This is something that I have witnessed over and over but which I have never read an explanation of and don't really understand why it is true. But the good news is that it doesn't have to be that way. There are ways to reverse this in your life and you will find here at Voicelessness the postings of many of us who are determined to do that. It is not an easy road and it is not quick but I learned in my late 20s that it is worth it. I recognized that the choices are to either give up and languish or make the effort and put in the work. At times it seems easier to let go and just give in but really that makes no sense at all. I refuse to not work on this. Though at times I don't have the strength, I still don't give up I simply wait until I can find the strength again. I find that this becomes easier and easier the more determined I am.
I am going through an extended and very debilitating struggle right now concerning my father. I am exhasuted and facing enormous stress and yet my determination had kept me from sinking into depression which I have suffered from for much of my life. When I realize that the work I am doing has actually kept me out of depression during one of the most onerous experiences of my life (and I have had extraordinarily difficult times in my life - to the extent that my Therapist knows of few others who have faced the betrayals and losses that I have lived through) it is that which keeps me going. I tell you this to say the single most empowering thought that keeps me afloat and moving forward in the darkness is the belief that I will and I am getting stronger and stronger.
Part of the way I come to this is through my faith. The more I read and study (which is not a lot) the more I learn that there are profound promises of support and encouragement and abundance in the Bible. I know that God has promised me a better life and the way to it is through faith that He has that for me. In the midst of stress and pain I simply hold that thought along with the image of Christ hold me and I can get through the most difficult pain. I know, though I cannot see it, I know that I am getting stronger. Part of my proof is looking back over my experience recorded on this web site.
Again I encourage you to believe that it is possible for you to overcome the si and the stuttering. Just to start, as often as you can, tell yourself, "I will overcome the si and the stuttering." "Even though I don't see it, I know by faith, that God will carry me through to the other side of this."
There are many, many verses that you can commit to memory or put on cards to repeat to yourself in your darkest moments. You will become more functional. You know you can overcome the si because you have done it before.
My heart is with you and with all of us here and those who haven't found this site or other help. The damage of growing up with N parents is a hidden destructive force that few can understand. I have seen that many of us here can really not understand each others true pain. But I am confident that we can truly overcome the destruction of such inheritance and I am commited to doing so for myself and to offer compassion for anyone else walking these dark roads until we get to the light.
Welcome to this place and to your new friends and fellow strugglers - Gaining Strength
You will find a way to be more functional. The first step is believing you will.
