Energy Vampires and confidence zappers - was Daughter's Day!

[Portia]

Excuse me Wildflower, Christy et al for butting in but this:

she was nagging me about all I 'could' have been and failed to be (I was only about 20 BTW and still at Uni!!), she included 'the Prime Minister's daughter' in her list!

             
WTF?
Could she have been PM if - if what?
Could your Dad have been PM if (supply whatever 'ifs' you can)?
Or is it that she could have married the PM if only things had gone her way? Did she always think she married beneath her? And she blames you for that....what a spiteful, nasty, crazy person.

Probably never change? Delete probably. She doesn't deserve you even thinking about her. Ditto mine, but it's much easier to say about yours!! P

[rosencrantz]

Hi Portia - LOL - She wasn't 'blaming me', she just wanted the 'best' for me!!  She both 'gave' me confidence and undermined me totally all at the same time.  She meant well (!) but was guided by projections and transferences that weren't me.  And I wasn't strong enough, smart enough, wise enough to resist.  

I no longer despise myself for not being stronger.  How could I have been?  I had no yardstick to judge it against. I often knew things weren't right - but I only had her and my father to confirm it for me.  She couldn't/wouldn't and he wouldn't/couldn't.

I'm sure I'd have been an even bigger mess wtih siblings around.  

Christy -

start a "freedom" log of my own small victories

That's such a good idea.  

I wonder if they can ever become the "parent

No, but that mantra (she's the parent; I'm the child) just helps me remember that I'm NOT the parent; she has responsibility for herself and a responsibility towards me. She may never take it up - but it's still not 'my' job to be the parent in this game.  

I'm not responsible for picking up her pieces - even now, even at her 'advanced' age.  I've given her plenty of good information, she's had plenty of people willing to help, and she has to do the rest.  She chooses  to reject, manipulate and lambast and people turn away.  She chooses - as much as she has a 'choice' in her state of mind (that's the difficult bit that scuppers my intention again).  

How do we teach people like this that they can risk making new choices and the world won't fall apart (for all I know, hers might!! ).

In vitro, yes - I always had the fantasy that I must have arrived in this world with guilt that I'd damaged my mother during childbirth by getting born and that the guilt had just followed me throughout my life.  (After all, becoming independent is 'being born' of a kind, isn't it!) I didn't realise that I had good reason to feel guilty.  

It just never occurred to me that my 'nice' mother actually wanted me to feel guilty with the intention for me to stay and keep her strong and be her 'front' - "Look at this nice little girl, this is me, isn't she nice; go on dear, perform for the visitors"  Knowing deep down I could never get anything right and would never be perfect enough but also knowing she would insist on constantly exposing me....Aaaauuugh!  
R

[Portia]

Edited..busy being a dork and loving it!

[rosencrantz]

Ah, I don't think she was talking about her failings - she was talking about her aspirations.  Unrealistic, of course.  It was 'just' a Freudian slip.  But my unconscious connected with her unconscious and dutifully went off into the world to make something happen to make her PM so I could dutifully be the PM's daughter (it got translated into training other women to become MPs - not a bad first attempt!!!)

I mean, it's really funny!!!  The day the connection clicked, I had my destiny back in my own hands (more or less) and I was happy to laugh at myself!!  She wouldn't find it funny of course. She'd say I was being mean to her.

Of course, there was never any question but that I do whatever was required irrespective of what I felt, just 'leap' to the pinnacle please - you're not supposed to actually do it step by step or have fear!! (My son is like that - that puzzles/worries me; he wouldn't walk or talk until he could do it completely - no 'attemtps'!!!  Did I do that to him in some way or is it really a 'gene' thing??!)

What makes it even more difficult to 'claim' to be abused is that this concept of the smotherer sounds cushy compared to some experiences of neglect.  
 
But, believe me, you don't want a parent who monitors absolutely everything that enters and leaves your body...HER shrine!!!   And I was constantly ashamed of the molly coddling and of being held out as 'special' when I was 'just' her daughter.  No idea of my own true worth.  

All the things you say are true, except...there is a part of her which truly breaks down.  Either she is strong or I am strong.  It appears that we each represent a black hole for the other.  Her truth vs my truth - ?

R

[rosencrantz]

Thanks for that, Wildflower.

I quite like this Rosencrantz character.  She seems to have a fairly positive impact on people.  I wonder if I'm anything like her?????  Maybe I should change my name by deed poll and see if she rubs off on me!!!!!

 

[rosencrantz]

Just realised that I've been dealing with some paperwork for my mother and I haven't felt the usual feeling of 'impending doom'!!  I've even had a couple of conversations with her in my head in which sanity prevails!  There is hope yet!!!

And, Wildflower, thanks for the suggestion of the R book above - I bought one yesterday in one of my rare jaunts to the nearest town.  Gorgeous dark purple suede-like cover and lots of purple flowers (hmmm - rather like wildflowers!!!!!) on all the pages.  My H said that the dark purple seems a very R kind of colour!  So I will fill it with 'me' and start off with your suggestion...'cheerful kind of person'!!!  And I bought a purple 'suede' binder, too, to keep my latest quotes and useful information in.  Very smart, very sensuous, very ultra-cool!!!  
R

[Anonymous]

   What a fabulous luxurious fantastic way to pamper your thoughts!!    

(hug)
CG

[Wildflower]

I can’t tell you how tickled I am hearing about your H’s involvement in all the work you’re doing.  I loved reading about how he smiled a big smile back at you when you told him about the elitism thing, and now he’s getting into the journal?  That’s awesome!

I have to tell you (because I’m feeling a little mushy and happy and embarrassed   so I thought I’d give it back to you ), that I was in the pet store today and I saw this really amazing aquarium that has a plastic NY skyline – lights and all.  It’s been a while since I've had fish, and it would be like getting a TV for my poor stimulation-deprived indoor cat.  So I think I’m gonna go back and get it, and then I’m gonna start naming my fish after you and everyone else here who has done so much to help me get through these past few weeks.

Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

I think that's wunnerful!     Your very own support team 'on tap'!!!  I'll be the one with the swishy tail (just to remind you of the extravert and the T Rex!).  R is honoured BTW.

BTW Thinking about another thread I just started (the post really belonged here, didn't it - I didn't think of that) - did you know that you're a Wonderful Daughter, too???  Think about it!!!!!

Cheers (hah - I'm blowing bubbles again...as a FISH!!!)  

TTFN
R

[Wildflower]

R is honored.  That's what I could have said but squirmed and couldn't find the words.  I was deeply honored that you got the journal and shared the bit about the purple and the flowers.  That means a lot to me.

I'm glad I squirmed and told you about the aquarium, though .  I'm excited!  Bubbles...great connection!!

And thanks for the "wonderful daughter" vote of confidence.  Today, for the first time...well...ever, I actually believe that I have been a good daugher to her.     Crazy.  What is this world coming to??

Wildflower

[rosencrantz]

It's coming to a healthy conclusion, that's what it's coming to.  
R

[mrt]

I feel aggrieved that I had to abase myself, admit to vulnerability just to satisfy her

I can so relate to this! It's a catch 22 situation on your emotions. If you get upset,  then she's gotten to you and she feels satisfied. If you bite your tongue then she gets away with upsetting you and you end up  repressing it.  It is a no win situation with these people and that is what makes us crazy.