I need to use the following analogy to express my feelings....
I feel like I have been in some kind of horrific trauma. Something that has caused me such pain and endless suffering. I feel like I have spent months and years going to different doctors or healers or drugstores trying to find the right medicine or cure. Feel like now, the open wound has healed but I am left with a body that doesn't work right anymore. Can't decide if I am in a wheelchair or if I am missing limbs. I just know that I go to interact with the world and I can't somehow. Trying to make my new, alltered "self" work with the rest of the world and it doesn't. Sometimes I don't know how to relate with the rest of the world. Don't know how to start or maintain relationships. Read all the stuff.....endless reading.....trying so hard to apply it. Kind of like trying so hard to tell my legs to walk and they won't. Or trying to pick up a hairbrush and my hand just isn't there to do the job. Trying to love, for example. For so long, I just felt like I couldn't find that place in myself that could love effectively. Feel like I have to learn an entirely new way of living and loving and interacting with my environment. Feels very overwhelming and confusing because it is not tangeble. Like a real life "accident" would be. No one else in the world can see the trauma or validate the trauma. I feel underdeveloped or even undeveloped. I feel younger than I really am. (read an earlier thread where I thought some of you may feel the same way). I feel like I should be able to speak about things or have the proper feelings or reactions to things and instead I fumble, trip up, or find myself at a loss.....
Haven't a clue if this makes any sense. Just trying again, to get out some of the muck in my brain.
--mof4
