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A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.
rosencrantz:
Accompanies a book : It Must Have Been Moonglow. Reflections on the First Year of Widowhood by Phyllis Greene.
Dear Mum
Time keeps moving on...
I don’t share my feelings much. Perhaps I learn that from Dad. I usually show caring via gestures - gifts, cards, being ‘helpful’, sharing information, etc.
When Dad died, I bought this book for you - at the time, you seemed too fragile to accept it in the positive way I intended and so I have been waiting until the time would seem right.
I think I understand now that you felt very angry then. It felt as if you received everything I tried to give you as a weapon to use against me. Perhaps you were using it as a weapon against yourself. Overwhelming pain makes us very complicated creatures, doesn’t it?
The reason I bought this book for you was because it was a story from the heart. Someone a little like you, she experienced bereavement in her 80s and wrote about re-creating a life for herself ‘as it happened’. As others appear to have done, I thought that you might find compassion, solace and hope in it.
So, this now is my gift to you, along with a bouquet of bright yellow tulips the colour of life, hope and rebirth, some to keep and some for the grave, to mark the one year anniversary of the sad event of a year ago.
You’ve made tremendous strides this last year, painful tho it has been. Me, too. I know it will get progressively easier even tho the ‘getting easier’ is intertwined with the pain of knowing the past is fading. It hurts very much to let go of a safer, happier past and face a more challenging future.
Try to be aware that tender feelings which cause you pain are not proof that the world wishes you ill but know instead that the people around you are trying to reach out and help, inasmuch as you will let them, in the best way they can.
I thought you would want me to warn you that there are some papers (2) inserted amongst the pages of the book which may make you feel sad. I found them in Dad’s address book amongst all the bills. I wanted to send them back to you earlier but, again, the timing didn’t seem right. But if you feel strong enough to look, a year on, you’ll find that his heart is still here with you.
We will never lose who he was to us, will we, as that’s firmly ensconced in our hearts.
Take care.
One piece of paper is a poem in my father's handwriting :
The life that I have
is all that I have
and the life that I have
is yours.
The love that I have
of the life that I have
is yours and yours and yours.
Asleep I shall live
a rest I shall have
yet death will be but a pause
For the peace of my years
in the long green grass
will be yours and yours and yours.
Leo Marks, 1943, 20 years old.
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
The other piece of paper is a wedding anniversary wish - I'm not sure if it was from my mother to my father or vice versa.
As you might imagine, there's plenty of 'sub-text' in that letter. Like 'let go of the long ago past, too - let ME go, too!!!' And 'I wouldn't share my feelings with you if you were the last person on earth.'
I guess the sub-sub-text is 'I understand'.
I think this is probably the first time that I have used my own 'voice' (of compassion and consideration) with my mother. No, that's not true. It's the first time I have used my voice of compassion and consideration and known she can't hurt me. But I have more 'understanding' that I've had before.
I have no hopes, no expectations. In fact, I'm going to quote here from an earlier post of mine (edited):
--- Quote --- Oh God how much I want to reach you, who you really are, pull you out from that terrible place and look after you. But God how you hurt me. I just have to come near you and you fight me and spite me. The more I reach in to you, the more you hurt me and I retire wounded, damaged, depleted...
But I tell you, the reality had better not ever come to pass cos quite frankly the amount of pain and bullying I've had to withstand, when I pull you out of there, I don't want you around me. Ever.
--- End quote ---
R
rosencrantz:
PS On re-reading this, I realise just how much my mother likes to look a gift horse in the mouth. That it really isn't my problem. And just how much she's missed out on with her irrational desires for possession and revenge.
She actually does have a WONDERFUL daughter!!!!! :shock:
I feel desperately, ache-ingly sorry for her but the words honour and respect have no place in our relationship. Perhaps understanding will gradually replace contempt but I won't hold myself to it.
R
Anonymous:
Hi Roencrantz,
You're such a caring person, and your mum is so lucky and doesn't realise it. Or maybe she does :?: and doesn't know what to do with it or can't receive it, or has no, or broken, inbuilt receivers or antannae for such qualities in others.
You clearly express your care, it comes through in so much that you say.
And I don't know about the stuff about not showing your feelings. I suppose it all depends on your perception, who you're with, and what you feel are other's expectations. It all turns into fruit salad at this point for me.
I guess after reading this letter to your mum, and then reading your dad's beautiful poem, I'm thinking or reminded of the story you wrote about when your dad phoned your son last Easter (was it?), independantly of your mum, and the painful experience that followed. And then here you are, one short year later, reaching out, writing her this wonderfully open-hearted letter.
I hope she acknowledges your mutual pain and grief, and recognises your loss at this 1st anniversary.
I'll pause here and say you have my warmest thoughts and deepest sympathies at the first anniversary of your father's passing. As time passes and you remember the wonderful moments you shared with him, and the strengths you recognised in him, I hope that you can record these thoughts for your's and your son's benefit.
I sure hope you made a copy his poem for your mum, and kept the original for yourself.
Gosh, sharing him with her in this way, through his poem, is such a clear expression of your feelings of love, forgiveness, kindness and generosity. I don't think I would have been able to do that. I wouldn't ever want to ever share anything about him with her again. But then I guess I'm backwards in this whole area of healing.
I hope she 'reads' it, because it seems so much of it turned out to be true. He did give her his life. That is so sad in some ways.
I think you inherited your ability to express your feelings in writing from your dad, isn't that just so lovely that he lives on in you. I wonder if your son has that gift too?
((((Rosencrantz))))
Love CG
Wildflower:
Thank you so much for sharing this letter to your mom with us, R. And what a nice thing to send her pretty yellow tulips along with the book and the papers. :D I bet you're right that she might not appreciate it, but it's so great that you were able to send them anyway. It was about doing what you felt was right, without worrying about her reaction, am I right?
--- Quote ---I feel desperately, ache-ingly sorry for her but the words honour and respect have no place in our relationship. Perhaps understanding will gradually replace contempt but I won't hold myself to it.
--- End quote ---
This really touched me. I was feeling a bit out of control with my anger, and while I don't really want to stuff it down again, I don't want it to take over either. This really helped bring me back down and remember how, in spite of it all, I do feel so sorry for her. And I think I can do that now without compromising myself - because she can't convince me I'm worthless again. I won't let her. So thanks for sharing this letter and your response to it. :D
Wildflower
Nic:
HI!
Difficult time for you..Rosencrantz, one year later. Your dad, I remember you writing, was a very nice person..knew what you were going through but couldn't quite help you because of his devotion to your mom. I think you know how much he loved you. The fact he would have such a lovely poem ( which I wrote down on a piece of beautiful white parchment btw.) amongst his personal effects demonstrates how close he was to his feelings for you too.
I'm envious that you at least connected with one of your parents and that you could feel it! I'm also happy for you that you could..
Keep on keeping on Rosencrantz, you're doing great. I've grown quite attached to you myself!
Thinking of you on this one year anniversary.
Love Nic :)
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