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A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.

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rosencrantz:
Thanks, you guys.  I know.  Thanks.

It's a famous poem but it shows where his heart was, even if he wasn't allowed to show it much - or, like me, found a shell to protect himself  behind.  And it is special to him because he was stationed at Bletchley Park for part of the war (that's where they deciphered all the codes - Enigma and all that)
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/197.html

As far as feelings are concerned, my wording was really just signalling to my mother to "look out, there's some caring about"!!!  "You may not see what you think you want to see but this is how I (am prepared) to express my feelings towards you."  She really has no idea that a gift is intended to be caring - she'd see it as some mean, spiteful 'message' of some kind.  (And it was also my realisation that I'm always sharing information and it is a 'gift' and 'caring'.)  

I actually tore out the first page of the book as it had a picture and autobiography of the author.  The CV celebrated academic and community success and she'd just use that to belittle the gift.  She'd feel belittled by it.  It would press her shame button.  So she would belittle me to get rid of the feelings and dump them somewhere else.  But even the most innocent expression of hope is full of spiteful meaning for her - how can you help someone like that??!

I guess I'm saying I had the confidence to be me and express my intention irrespective of how she would be inclined to receive it.  I define me; she doesn't.  And therefore I can define me as 'caring' and pursue it throughout the letter and demonstrate it to be true.  Each paragraph was full of effort to stay upright and deal with each of the blows she might 'choose' to experience and which I would then have to experience in turn.  Explaining in minute detail every nuance of the gift.

I've been surprised and then blown away to discover that people perceive me as this kind, considerate, compassionate, caring person.  I had no idea.  When people say something like - 'that was considerate (but you know that of course)' or 'how much patience you showed' - I did???  I was???  I have no idea - because I've been defined by a mother who can't 'see' anything nice coming in her direction so all I'm doing is walking a tightrope, 'expressing my meaning carefully'.  

And, sadly, my H seems to have many of these traits, too.  Both of them create in me the negativity they crave in order to beat up on themselves - and then they blame me and 'make me' suffer for it!!!!!

Well, I'm much more 'objective' with my H now.  I'm absolutely not going to take the care with him I take with my mother.  She has real 'mental health' problems and absolutely no insight into her situation - whether or not she is diagnosed and whether or not she is getting the right kind of mental health care.  He's not in the same category.  

I 'hissed' something at him the other day.  (I'm an equal - not a therapist giving feedback or a parent protecting any more.)  'Get your act together and don't do this damaging thing'.  I won't put my carapace on or stomp about either - I'll 'front up' to you instead.  Call it how it is.  Use my insight.  Put a stop to it.  You can sulk for days if you like, but I'll call it like it is.  I'm not afraid any more.  Come on, keep up!  Be responsible.  Grow up.  Let out the child.  Get off your high horse.  I feel (almost) that he was startled - but we've got work to do and he's been dreaming.  (Channelling again!!!)  

But he has a sane brain; he has logic and objectivity to call on (even if he doesn't!!).  My mother is lost in her own world.  Only she does nice things for other people but, even then, she believes that those things are never appreciated, never recognised (because she can't 'see' anything nice coming towards her).  You know why??!  Because anyone who is nice to her is in competition with her for 'nice' of the year! - and no-one can be allowed to 'win' because that would mean her whole world would come tumbling down!!!  And unfortunately she only does 'nice' things in expectation of a payoff (manipulative) - and people know and don't respond kindly.

It really is no wonder I've spent so much of my life being confused AND not known who I am.  I can almost see how she made me into her rescuer (be considerate), then victim (you'll never win), then tyrant/persecutor (and anyway you are always bad) and how that translates into my life as an adult coping with other people.

Well, I've spent hours here again 'chatting' with you!!  I just can't seem to get away!!  

I really do see how horrible that letter is from my mother's perspective,  however much caring a normal person might see.  So I'm grateful for the feedback.  My H thinks it's a terrific letter, too.  :D

Love all you guys, too!!!
Take care
R

Peanut:
Hi R:  

I really liked your letter.  I thought it was very well written and had just the right 'tone' that you stated that you were trying to achieve.

I'm curious though - how are YOU feeling on the anniversary of your Dad's death?

I remember 'the firsts' after my mom's and dad's, and I'm wondering how your experience has been.

I get the thing about your mom re:  this.  My mom slapped me standing right in front of my dad's coffin at his funeral because I wasn't paying enough attention to HER, so...

I want to know about YOU!

Warmest regards, Peanut  

Peanut:
Just to follow up...

Why do you think that you did not express how you were feeling about your Dad's anniversary in your letter?

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---


--- Quote ---It's a famous poem but it shows where his heart was,
--- End quote ---

Yes, it must have really spoken to or connected with his soul for him to write it down. And being a soldier, it just doesn't fit with the popular image of a soldier, does it? Recording poetry I mean. I love it.


--- Quote ---I really do see how horrible that letter is from my mother's perspective  :D
--- End quote ---

Yes, well you more than anyone would know about that. I can't imagine how complex this whole situation has been for you. I mean, I would have been shopping for a month to pick the present with the least amount of 'problems'. Even the wrapping paper would have taken me and my war council a week to decide on. :D  

But I hope you are okay at this time, even though I know he's inside you now.

Well done & ((hug)) & love

CG
--- End quote ---

rosencrantz:
LOL CG - You've just written in one sentence what I've just taken hours to work out!!!!!  

I realised that what I was trying to achieve in my letter was 'sanity' and 'truth' more than caring.  

I discovered  the book and I chose the flowers.  I searched for a long time and bought several before I found this book but felt passionately that it was the most appropriate.  My next thought is that I'd better justify it pretty damn quick or else there'll be hell to pay.  Why did I choose this book?  What made me choose those flowers?  I'm not sure!!!  She could say it was for this mean reason or that mean reason so I've got to work very hard on making the N/F part of me be understood and represented in words.  

Right, I've worked it out - these are the words that represent that heart/soul decision.  Am I quite, quite sure that's true?  No nasty little surprises lurking within my soul???  Am I really quite, quite, sure I haven't got a negative intent lurking somewhere in the depths of my unconscious?  Right, OK.  No - just let's have another little check - heart, mind, soul - absolutely, totally clean???  If there is the merest speck of dust, I'd better clean it up and inspect it 'just in case' and 'sort it out'.  OK, whiter than white.  No mean sting in the tail anywhere in sight.  Sure???  OK, everything sanitised.  (No wonder I'm exchausted!)

Next stage...

I'd better spell out my intention so clearly that nobody could possibly misunderstand.  Using language with total precision, with any luck, I'll escape this interaction unscathed or at least only a little battle-scarred.  (High hopes, always fail).  What still nags at me is that these gifts weren't the perfect solution.  But actually there isn't a perfect solution and I can just go on hesitating for weeks, months, years waiting for a better solution!!!  (As indeed I do in much of my life)  I could give something innocuous, or I could 'throw money at' the solution.  But I actually do want to put my heart into it. I want to express 'who I am' - to express my own voice and not be invisible!!!  :shock: I want to be my passionate, feeling, caring self!  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:

But, yes, CG - I'm OK.  As usual, I'd been more worried about my mother and how to handle things than thinking about my own feelings about dad's death.  And, anyway, I'm not supposed to have any feelings!!  My mother sincerely found it strange that I should have any grieving to do.  :roll: ooops - there's that  :roll: again.   I'm learning.
R

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