Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.
Anonymous:
Hi Rosencrantz :D
I'm so glad you replied because I wanted to ask you a question and then I thought not to, cause it could be so frickin' insensitive of me to analyse your situation with your mum at this special time. But then I think, "bugger it, I'll ask you my dumb question anyway and you can tell me to bugger-off if I'm being invasive, and that would be okay with me. :D " I'd understand."
Is your mum the type to show her friends your gift and card and letter, and use it as centre-peice topic of conversation with others? Would she let, or even encourage them all to analyse, and to scoff at your gift and card? And allow, and even enjoy them imposing their ignorant, biased, tainted distorted opinions of your gift and card and letter? All created by her views and comments in the first place.
((hug))
CG
rosencrantz:
You're not insensitive by nauture CG - you're straightforward. Intention is everything. Makes a difference.
And, apres tout, the answer is very short : no, in a word!! (Me, use one word - never!!!) :lol:
I think her shame button is too big. She'd use a gift to demonstrate that she is thought about, cared for, but nag me in private for its subtle hurtful slights and imperfections (as she saw it). She's not devious. She's not strong enough to do what I hear some mothers doing. I suppose she might be patronising eg say 'she meant well' in order to demonstrate that she'd brought me up properly as a 'nice' daughter. She's walking on a tightrope of her own making here, isn't she! She's saying "I need you to be terrible but I can't have you be too terrible or that will reflect on me as a bad mother and that's even worse."
The more I write all this, the more I see that she really does have quite entrenched mental health problems. I've learnt so much about living more contentedly, effectively but she doesn't want to know - 'learning' means you are imperfect doesn't it and I guess that would never do (especially from a daughter). Trying to share stuff with her - in all humility - just brings out the worst in her. She rejects all sorts of things as 'not good enough' (meals on wheels, psychologist's visits - it's not just me :wink: ) so her pride stops her even starting on the road to health.
Actually, I'm still amazed that she signed a sheet of paper that described her as having mental health problems!!! Perhaps she thought it just meant 'depression'!
I think it's possible to choose not to hold her in contempt any more (I've moved on since my earlier post!) nor laugh at her (my own defences against being hurt and being driven mad by her) - because I understand. And I can express my caring because I can and because she can no longer define me otherwise. It is a 'grown up' kind of protecting. But that's because I'm now an adult while she's still a child!!! :shock: But I don't expect that I will increase the amount of verbal contact or visits. I'm still allergic to her. I'm not THAT strong!!!!! I'll still need :roll: as a sanity check!!!
I've learnt so much from you, CG - how to protect someone without rescuing them, as well as :roll: ! :lol: But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I'm sure there's a great big hole waiting for me to fall into. I've been lucky here - really strong support around me from different kinds of people which has enabled me to find out 'where I'm really coming from'. If I'm exposed to craziness again - I'm not sure I won't just get confused again and be right back where I started from.
'Defining' me is deciding what my motivations are. 'Defining' me is deciding what I intended. 'Defining' me is implying I said something and then taking it for granted that I did in such a convoluted way that I can't find my way out. 'Defining' me is anything that confuses me!!! If I feel confused, there be scorpions!!! The confusion is in me because I can't draw back far enough to find an objective view. My uncertainty will always be there cos she's programmed it into me. She has no intention to confuse - it is simply the consequence of the state of her mental health.
To survive, to avoid the damage she inflicts on my mind and soul, and that others could impose, the alternative is to remember what has happened here, remember when and how and why I felt strong and stick like a limpet to that feeling, turn away from confusion. And just keep marching on regardless with a :roll: in my pocket to keep me company!!! :wink:
Actually maybe I'm having a bad day but it all seems totally hopeless. All these words, guarding against the truth that no matter how hard I work at it, it's all hopeless. He's gone. He'll never say well done, you finally sorted your mother out. What he wanted to know in his last days was 'what is it about you and your mother'. Well, now I can tell him but he had to 'go' before I could find out. He had to get out of the way and I had to descend into madness myself.
Hopeless, really, really hopeless. I did it Dad and look, it's hopeless. It's hopeless because it won't bring you back and it's hopeless because it's just a hopeless situation. I'll never be able to give her what she wants BECAUSE she is incapable of receiving it and BECAUSE she drives me mad. I'll never be able to 'be' myself with her - at the best a substitute protector like you were. :cry: :cry: :cry:
My H just came in so the tears had to go. I don't need scooping up. Just realistic. I'm off to have a caffeine break. And I've just learnt I can type even when the screen is invisible for all the tears!!! :wink:
R
rosencrantz:
I came back, wrote some more. Something else 'hopeless' then something special to share. I was just about complete, the word 'joy' entered my head. I hit the mouse feeling triumphant and the whole message disappeared. I've had a terrible headache ever since. And now the headache is getting in the way of thinking - but I've found some music to listen to so I'm off to 'chill'. The actual 'anniversary' is tonight close to midnight UK time.
R
rosencrantz:
Just been sitting pondering, wondering about phoning my mother. I'm going to leave it for another day. Make sure things have arrived. Give her time to 'subside' after whatever emotion grabs her. Keeping connected with you guys just by staying near the screen.
I just noticed this, CG :
--- Quote ---it just doesn't fit with the popular image of a soldier, does it? Recording poetry I mean. I love it.
--- End quote ---
There was too much sentimentality and naive heroism and millions lost their lives in the First World War, but (you have reminded me) some great poetry came out of it.
If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England...
And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.
Rupert Brooke
http://www.oucs.ox.ac.uk/ltg/projects/jtap/tutorials/intro/
A century on, we may think differently about combat, but this extract about dying gives me a feeling of peace and forgiveness and I'll stick with that for now. Thanks for the prompt to look further afield and find this. And thanks Peanut for the invitation to share my feelings. And thanks to the people posting about music which reminded me to listen to some of my own favourites. I've neglected myself for too long.
R
Wildflower:
Your dad was proud of you, R.
((((((((((R))))))))))
Wildflower
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version