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A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.

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Anonymous:
Hi Rosencrantz, I was thinking about you and imaging you in this rough, sad time. It took on the imagery of an earth tremor, and you had to rely very much on stance and balance to move through it????? And there is still so much time to go before you phone her. How stressful!! Almost like a husband pacing in a waiting room, while his wife is giving birth.


--- Quote ---The more I write all this, the more I see that she really does have quite entrenched mental health problems.  I've learnt so much about living more contentedly, effectively but she doesn't want to know - 'learning' means you are imperfect doesn't it and I guess that would never do (especially from a daughter).  Trying to share stuff with her - in all humility - just brings out the worst in her.  She rejects all sorts of things as 'not good enough' (meals on wheels, psychologist's visits - it's not just me :wink: ) so her pride stops her even starting on the road to health.  

Actually, I'm still amazed that she signed a sheet of paper that described her as having mental health problems!!!  Perhaps she thought it just meant 'depression'!  
--- End quote ---
 Gosh, it's sad where it all ends up in old age sometimes. And for those who've denied the real issues all there lives, how can they then quickly learn to deal with them in old age??

You know, I was trying to visualise what I'll be feeling when the time comes for my home psychologist's visits and meals on wheels. I don't know how gracefully I'll slip into that. :shock:  I'm not a too sure about other people bathing me either. And I suppose the older we get, if we don't keep actively engaged and enjoy life, the more time we will have to ponder and mull on these depressing aspects of the future. And look for ways to avoid them!!!


--- Quote ---Hopeless, really, really hopeless.  I did it Dad and look, it's hopeless.  It's hopeless because it won't bring you back and it's hopeless because it's just a hopeless situation.  I'll never be able to give her what she wants BECAUSE she is incapable of receiving it and BECAUSE she drives me mad.  I'll never be able to 'be' myself with her - at the best a substitute protector like you were.  :cry:  :cry:  :cry:
--- End quote ---


No, it won't bring him back.  :cry: And no, you'll probably never be able to give her what she wants, because she won't take it.  :cry: And yes, it may drive you mad if you keep trying.  :cry:

But you know what I believe??

That your father lives on in you,  :D
and he lives on in your son. :D  
He lives on in you both. :D  

I know the last thing you could bear is for your son to ever say to you, "What is it between you and your mother?"

All this love and protection and care that she rejects, has a home. It rightful place is towards yourself and your son.

It reads to me that you dear dad's final thoughts were approval and desire for communion. He so clearly expressed this to me, by following through with his desires for contact with you and your son and I daresay, wanting to let you know how important you were to him and his love for you both. That is so beautiful. He even did this at the risk of getting in trouble, and violating a household law. He was saying something to you loud and clear, even by violating a life long practice and trust, to do so.

What terrible grief you've experienced losing your 'best friend' parent. Add to that, being left alone as an only child, with the tremendous sense of responsibility that you have, to care for the 'worst friend' parent.

If it were me,  I know I'd have wished it had been the other way round and that if one of them had to go, it would have been her first. Oh Gosh, I probably shouldn't say that, but it would seem so natural to feel like that, even though I'd get consumed with stupid guilt and embrrassment after for thinking it, no doubt!! :oops:  

But I was visualising again. If your dad were here today, what would you do? Where would you go? What would you talk about? Let's not include your mother in the picture. Let's leave her out. You could go for a stroll together arm-in-arm, take your son, and enjoy watching him run and laugh, together. Chat about what a lovely boy he is. I don't know, I'm just playing with the idea here. But you'd have to do it in your head if you did go for a walk or onlookers would think you were barmy!!! :D  :D

But, I just think you really can still do this type of thing. You have enough of him inside you to still spend time with him, and maybe even work some things out.

I just wanted to have a chat with you Rosencrantz, and share my convoluted thinking with you. I hope I haven't been prodding or hurtful, it isn't intentional, I'm just feeling my way here with you.

Love ((hug))

CG

Peanut:
Hi R:  Hope you are making it through, Ok.  :-)

PS.  Did you see my reply in this thread?  Just wondering what your thoughts were on it.  :-)

rosencrantz:
Yes, thank you Peanut.  I did see your reply and I have responded in my earlier posts.  :)

It's always difficult to know what to say to people in these circumstances, isn't it, as we don't know what's going on their mind.  I wrote to some cousins on the death of their mother and they never responded and then didn't come to Dad's funeral or contact me at that time.  We exchange Xmas cards but any other attempts to contact them remain unanswered.  I often wonder if I said something really stupid or naff.  She was my godmother although it was something that had never been discussed and she'd not stayed in touch with me directly over the years.  I think she used to send me a birthday card each year.

Another Aunt went into hospital after a stroke.  I sent her a soft toy partly motivated by a gift she'd sent to my son and because flowers seemed so pointless.  A charming bright yellow (that 'colour for life' again) beaniebaby-style duck.  I fear that she never recovered consciousness so never received my message and I have always felt terribly agonisingly embarrassed about my stupidity (for revealing myself I suppose and making it so personal!!! And for being so inept and inappropriate - tho I have no idea if others perceived it that way - and tough taters really!!!  I believe in me, now, don't I!  And if she'd lived, she might have liked the sentiments and the duck might have been a little cuddly beacon of light during long lonely days of recovery as I'd intended.).  

My new mantra : Intention is all!!!  

What I intend is what matters and those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept. (Wow!!!  I finally got there!!!!)  Hang on...


--- Quote ---What I intend is what matters and those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept.
--- End quote ---


(Just in case I didn't get the message!!!!!)

Wildflower - it might be a funny thing for me to say but I 'admired' what you chose to say to me.  And CG, well, you read me like a book!  Would you hang on while I catch up on a few chapters  :lol: No, don't! I like it just like it is!!!  There's absolutely no point in worrying about upsetting me when you're just holding the door open waiting for me to get along and walk through!!!  How do you do that??!  Bless you for being you!!  And if I said your post had me in floods of tears, it's a blessing not a reason for any feelings linked to guilt!!

I'll be back later to respond and I want to see if I can write down again the post I lost yesterday.
TTFN
R.

Portia:
Hello R, hope you’re ok right now…..here’s another one of my voices….
Intention. Ahh. What happened here then? -edit

..........Maybe that’s why some intelligent Ns become therapists? Hmm? “Oh yes, tell me how you feel, let me feed off your emotion, let me see the pain in your eyes so I can feel so much better than you.” Love it.
I hope your mother reacts in some civilised way to your gift. But if you’ve given your gift for you, then her reaction won’t affect you……will it?


--- Quote ---those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept
--- End quote ---

fair enough, but will you keep banging your head against a brick wall if it hurts? It’s their distorted lens – they are not going to change it….but you know that.

Against the flow? Probably. But why not. Keep loving the living who love you - P

rosencrantz:
Hi Portia - Good to hear your 'voice'!!  I do have a small voice of my own questioning the 'reality' of the work I'm doing here.  What will happen in the big bad world?  It's all very well 'working' here but what's the reality?  Instant collapse again???

But I think what I'm doing is coming to terms with my own feelings (and thoughts?) before she can 'get' to them.   I know what I intend and, in fact, I've begun to realise that in receiving responses from other people here I can get some idea as to how 'normal' people would respond.  Hey, we might be the injured but we're NORMAL!!!  :idea:

Now my mother and your mother.  Similar but different kettle of fish??

I can sure understand and respect the dying friend's response.  She deserved better than that.  And I feel pain for her hearing the story.  And I can just hear my mother complaining about somebody not being grateful and not being able to be aware that the 'donee' might have other things on her mind at the time (like dying!) or just not wanting to deal with her.  

I mean, I might be 'in' my own feelings so much that I might not 'hear' the other person (another mantra - I don't have to be everyone's therapist and I don't have to be everyone's mother so I can be 'in' myself and I don't have to feel guilty about it!!) but if a third party pointed it out, I'd 'hear' - even if I wanted to disagree!!!  The shock of the last year is realising that my mother really can't hear even when you hold up a placard with big writing on it.  But I don't yet know if it's permanent or just in response to loss and therefore temporary.

I know that she wanted to control every last bit of me and her environment when I was little and so it became a problem as I grew older.  She still does have that need and she creates confusion and chaos IN ORDER to control her environment.  Perhaps, it's like a baby flailing around in a panic trying not to drown.  Again, it might be her reaction to loss or exacerbated by loss.  

However, I'm taking it (at this moment in time) that she's not 'normal' like you and me.  She's floundering because she's chosen to be totally dependent on one other person.  And she's done that as a punishment to the rest of the world for not appreciating her and not respecting her enough.  But she caused most of that in the first place.

And that's because her tragic flaw is paranoia (is there a better word?) - It's believing that the world is out to 'get' her and 'do her down'.  Everyone she can't control is trying to harm her.  And sh*t - really big SH*T here - that's where my H comes from, too.

Now that's where I've got to start.  I'm hoping that my H is not a lost cause.  But that's another story and relates to the post I lost yesterday so I'll come back to him another day.  (Rats that I lost that post)

There have been two occasions recently when I've heard my mother  react in a way that seemed to demonstrate she wasn't totally in the grip of her 'tragic flaw'.  So I have to work with that and see how far I can get.  I've changed, let's see how far she will change.  

I can't be her parent if I've told her that she's the parent!  That seems to have got through.  So I can't be her 'bad mother' any more.   She realises that she's lost her confidence and she wants it back.  That's good.  She's gone about getting it back in a peculiar way that blames me but, hey, if it works, it works.  And, presumably if I 'gave' it back symbolically, then I'm the good guy for a while.  

She discovered that I'd sent a letter of complaint (absolutely justified, and fulsome apology received) to the social services for something they did outrageously wrong so I'm 'the good guy' there, too!  So I've agreed and seen that something was bad that she didn't manipulate me or anyone else about.  That's a step forward, too.  She doesn't phone me and hassle me.  That's a huge plus.  She took back a suicide threat.  That's great, too!   She seems genuinely to want to understand 'why' things happened 'back then'.  And I seem to be getting strong enough to be able to tell her.  Maybe she's getting strong enough to understand, too. Who knows.

I accept she's always going to be a bit peculiar.  This is not normal behaviour.  I won't expect her not to feel paranoid but the penny finally dropped for me that SHE NEEDS her purple clouds with yellow spots.  I know they're shades of blue, grey, white (with a touch of lavender where I live now!!!).  But hey, I don't need to prove it any more!!!!!  And I'm really, really sorry that I caused her so much pain by needing to.  I needed her to validate me.  Well, I believe in myself now.  I've worked hard enough for my sanity!!!  It's about time I did believe in myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my intuition, my senses - just try me.  Ms Super Sensitive, I am!!!!!  (That's a come back to someone who recently said it sarcastically!)  I never said I was psychic, just 'aware'!!

BTW, Portia, my mother would probably have got the same response from the dying lady because she would have turned into a fussing over-the-top Florence Nightingale during the cruise - 'needing to be needed'.  

Oh yes - I flagged 'see how far I can get' cos I'm not quite sure what I mean by that.  Where DO I want to get???  

Hmmm - well, I think this has to do with 'personality'.  If I've set myself on the trail of something, I pursue it to the end.  I discovered this concept of 'narcissism' and I wanted to know what it meant for me and my mother.  I'm in the middle of a road I need to hoe.  That's all I can say.  I'm certainly more than half way there.  

Hmm - I would like a relationship with my mother that is not based on terror. Why the h*** shouldn't I be able to have a civilised conversation with my own mother?  

Hmm - well, she may never be able to stop 'controlling' and forcing her OWN solutions on me.   But maybe I can be distant enough to laugh rather than fight.  You know : do a bit of  :roll:  :wink:  :lol: right at her.  

I got the impression the social worker's assistant did that - not mean, not shaming, just not taking the manipulation seriously, reaching a more rational part of her - 'come off it, D'.  No one else amongst the professionals has been able to do that for her - they all respond in the usual negative way Ns bring on themselves.  Rejected.  Actually that 'come off it, D' wow - I just heard about ten different voices saying that phrase to her.  My father, my aunt, my cousin.  WOW!  Why didn't anyone let me in on the secret before?????  (Because they'd be encouraging me to be 'cheeky' instead of respecting my mother!)

Dear, dear, dear.  How do we help our kids out of these holes we create in our society.  Alice Miller again, I guess.

I do know my mother's in a lot of emotional pain. She's never been on a cruise.  Doesn't drive.  Never had an affair.  Doesn't drink.  Is diabetic, had heart failure two years ago, has had laser surgery for cataracts and can't see very well, has had electric shock treatment for 'depression' in the past, and lives in about a square foot of space surrounded by mountains of paper and things and photographs of me. :cry:  She's too ashamed to let anyone in (house/soul) - and anyway, people can't get in to help (house/soul).  There are no small luxuries in her life and little human contact.  It's painfully, painfully sad.  :cry:  :cry:  :cry:  And I don't want her to live like that.  But I know it's a choice and it's her choice.  Sortof!

School's out.  Gotta go.
R
I'm embarrassed this is so long.  What did you put in your post, Portia - cascara????!

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