A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.

[Anonymous]

Hi Rosencrantz, I was thinking about you and imaging you in this rough, sad time. It took on the imagery of an earth tremor, and you had to rely very much on stance and balance to move through it????? And there is still so much time to go before you phone her. How stressful!! Almost like a husband pacing in a waiting room, while his wife is giving birth.

The more I write all this, the more I see that she really does have quite entrenched mental health problems.  I've learnt so much about living more contentedly, effectively but she doesn't want to know - 'learning' means you are imperfect doesn't it and I guess that would never do (especially from a daughter).  Trying to share stuff with her - in all humility - just brings out the worst in her.  She rejects all sorts of things as 'not good enough' (meals on wheels, psychologist's visits - it's not just me ) so her pride stops her even starting on the road to health.  

Actually, I'm still amazed that she signed a sheet of paper that described her as having mental health problems!!!  Perhaps she thought it just meant 'depression'!  

 Gosh, it's sad where it all ends up in old age sometimes. And for those who've denied the real issues all there lives, how can they then quickly learn to deal with them in old age??

You know, I was trying to visualise what I'll be feeling when the time comes for my home psychologist's visits and meals on wheels. I don't know how gracefully I'll slip into that.  I'm not a too sure about other people bathing me either. And I suppose the older we get, if we don't keep actively engaged and enjoy life, the more time we will have to ponder and mull on these depressing aspects of the future. And look for ways to avoid them!!!

Hopeless, really, really hopeless.  I did it Dad and look, it's hopeless.  It's hopeless because it won't bring you back and it's hopeless because it's just a hopeless situation.  I'll never be able to give her what she wants BECAUSE she is incapable of receiving it and BECAUSE she drives me mad.  I'll never be able to 'be' myself with her - at the best a substitute protector like you were.      

No, it won't bring him back.   And no, you'll probably never be able to give her what she wants, because she won't take it.   And yes, it may drive you mad if you keep trying.  

But you know what I believe??

That your father lives on in you,  
and he lives on in your son.  
He lives on in you both.  

I know the last thing you could bear is for your son to ever say to you, "What is it between you and your mother?"

All this love and protection and care that she rejects, has a home. It rightful place is towards yourself and your son.

It reads to me that you dear dad's final thoughts were approval and desire for communion. He so clearly expressed this to me, by following through with his desires for contact with you and your son and I daresay, wanting to let you know how important you were to him and his love for you both. That is so beautiful. He even did this at the risk of getting in trouble, and violating a household law. He was saying something to you loud and clear, even by violating a life long practice and trust, to do so.

What terrible grief you've experienced losing your 'best friend' parent. Add to that, being left alone as an only child, with the tremendous sense of responsibility that you have, to care for the 'worst friend' parent.

If it were me,  I know I'd have wished it had been the other way round and that if one of them had to go, it would have been her first. Oh Gosh, I probably shouldn't say that, but it would seem so natural to feel like that, even though I'd get consumed with stupid guilt and embrrassment after for thinking it, no doubt!!  

But I was visualising again. If your dad were here today, what would you do? Where would you go? What would you talk about? Let's not include your mother in the picture. Let's leave her out. You could go for a stroll together arm-in-arm, take your son, and enjoy watching him run and laugh, together. Chat about what a lovely boy he is. I don't know, I'm just playing with the idea here. But you'd have to do it in your head if you did go for a walk or onlookers would think you were barmy!!!  

But, I just think you really can still do this type of thing. You have enough of him inside you to still spend time with him, and maybe even work some things out.

I just wanted to have a chat with you Rosencrantz, and share my convoluted thinking with you. I hope I haven't been prodding or hurtful, it isn't intentional, I'm just feeling my way here with you.

Love ((hug))

CG

[Peanut]

Hi R:  Hope you are making it through, Ok.  

PS.  Did you see my reply in this thread?  Just wondering what your thoughts were on it.  

[rosencrantz]

Yes, thank you Peanut.  I did see your reply and I have responded in my earlier posts.  

It's always difficult to know what to say to people in these circumstances, isn't it, as we don't know what's going on their mind.  I wrote to some cousins on the death of their mother and they never responded and then didn't come to Dad's funeral or contact me at that time.  We exchange Xmas cards but any other attempts to contact them remain unanswered.  I often wonder if I said something really stupid or naff.  She was my godmother although it was something that had never been discussed and she'd not stayed in touch with me directly over the years.  I think she used to send me a birthday card each year.

Another Aunt went into hospital after a stroke.  I sent her a soft toy partly motivated by a gift she'd sent to my son and because flowers seemed so pointless.  A charming bright yellow (that 'colour for life' again) beaniebaby-style duck.  I fear that she never recovered consciousness so never received my message and I have always felt terribly agonisingly embarrassed about my stupidity (for revealing myself I suppose and making it so personal!!! And for being so inept and inappropriate - tho I have no idea if others perceived it that way - and tough taters really!!!  I believe in me, now, don't I!  And if she'd lived, she might have liked the sentiments and the duck might have been a little cuddly beacon of light during long lonely days of recovery as I'd intended.).  

My new mantra : Intention is all!!!  

What I intend is what matters and those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept. (Wow!!!  I finally got there!!!!)  Hang on...

What I intend is what matters and those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept.

(Just in case I didn't get the message!!!!!)

Wildflower - it might be a funny thing for me to say but I 'admired' what you chose to say to me.  And CG, well, you read me like a book!  Would you hang on while I catch up on a few chapters   No, don't! I like it just like it is!!!  There's absolutely no point in worrying about upsetting me when you're just holding the door open waiting for me to get along and walk through!!!  How do you do that??!  Bless you for being you!!  And if I said your post had me in floods of tears, it's a blessing not a reason for any feelings linked to guilt!!

I'll be back later to respond and I want to see if I can write down again the post I lost yesterday.
TTFN
R.

[Portia]

Hello R, hope you’re ok right now…..here’s another one of my voices….
Intention. Ahh. What happened here then? -edit

..........Maybe that’s why some intelligent Ns become therapists? Hmm? “Oh yes, tell me how you feel, let me feed off your emotion, let me see the pain in your eyes so I can feel so much better than you.” Love it.
I hope your mother reacts in some civilised way to your gift. But if you’ve given your gift for you, then her reaction won’t affect you……will it?

those who wish to receive through a distorted lens are defining me in ways I don't accept

fair enough, but will you keep banging your head against a brick wall if it hurts? It’s their distorted lens – they are not going to change it….but you know that.

Against the flow? Probably. But why not. Keep loving the living who love you - P

[rosencrantz]

Hi Portia - Good to hear your 'voice'!!  I do have a small voice of my own questioning the 'reality' of the work I'm doing here.  What will happen in the big bad world?  It's all very well 'working' here but what's the reality?  Instant collapse again???

But I think what I'm doing is coming to terms with my own feelings (and thoughts?) before she can 'get' to them.   I know what I intend and, in fact, I've begun to realise that in receiving responses from other people here I can get some idea as to how 'normal' people would respond.  Hey, we might be the injured but we're NORMAL!!!  

Now my mother and your mother.  Similar but different kettle of fish??

I can sure understand and respect the dying friend's response.  She deserved better than that.  And I feel pain for her hearing the story.  And I can just hear my mother complaining about somebody not being grateful and not being able to be aware that the 'donee' might have other things on her mind at the time (like dying!) or just not wanting to deal with her.  

I mean, I might be 'in' my own feelings so much that I might not 'hear' the other person (another mantra - I don't have to be everyone's therapist and I don't have to be everyone's mother so I can be 'in' myself and I don't have to feel guilty about it!!) but if a third party pointed it out, I'd 'hear' - even if I wanted to disagree!!!  The shock of the last year is realising that my mother really can't hear even when you hold up a placard with big writing on it.  But I don't yet know if it's permanent or just in response to loss and therefore temporary.

I know that she wanted to control every last bit of me and her environment when I was little and so it became a problem as I grew older.  She still does have that need and she creates confusion and chaos IN ORDER to control her environment.  Perhaps, it's like a baby flailing around in a panic trying not to drown.  Again, it might be her reaction to loss or exacerbated by loss.  

However, I'm taking it (at this moment in time) that she's not 'normal' like you and me.  She's floundering because she's chosen to be totally dependent on one other person.  And she's done that as a punishment to the rest of the world for not appreciating her and not respecting her enough.  But she caused most of that in the first place.

And that's because her tragic flaw is paranoia (is there a better word?) - It's believing that the world is out to 'get' her and 'do her down'.  Everyone she can't control is trying to harm her.  And sh*t - really big SH*T here - that's where my H comes from, too.

Now that's where I've got to start.  I'm hoping that my H is not a lost cause.  But that's another story and relates to the post I lost yesterday so I'll come back to him another day.  (Rats that I lost that post)

There have been two occasions recently when I've heard my mother  react in a way that seemed to demonstrate she wasn't totally in the grip of her 'tragic flaw'.  So I have to work with that and see how far I can get.  I've changed, let's see how far she will change.  

I can't be her parent if I've told her that she's the parent!  That seems to have got through.  So I can't be her 'bad mother' any more.   She realises that she's lost her confidence and she wants it back.  That's good.  She's gone about getting it back in a peculiar way that blames me but, hey, if it works, it works.  And, presumably if I 'gave' it back symbolically, then I'm the good guy for a while.  

She discovered that I'd sent a letter of complaint (absolutely justified, and fulsome apology received) to the social services for something they did outrageously wrong so I'm 'the good guy' there, too!  So I've agreed and seen that something was bad that she didn't manipulate me or anyone else about.  That's a step forward, too.  She doesn't phone me and hassle me.  That's a huge plus.  She took back a suicide threat.  That's great, too!   She seems genuinely to want to understand 'why' things happened 'back then'.  And I seem to be getting strong enough to be able to tell her.  Maybe she's getting strong enough to understand, too. Who knows.

I accept she's always going to be a bit peculiar.  This is not normal behaviour.  I won't expect her not to feel paranoid but the penny finally dropped for me that SHE NEEDS her purple clouds with yellow spots.  I know they're shades of blue, grey, white (with a touch of lavender where I live now!!!).  But hey, I don't need to prove it any more!!!!!  And I'm really, really sorry that I caused her so much pain by needing to.  I needed her to validate me.  Well, I believe in myself now.  I've worked hard enough for my sanity!!!  It's about time I did believe in myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my intuition, my senses - just try me.  Ms Super Sensitive, I am!!!!!  (That's a come back to someone who recently said it sarcastically!)  I never said I was psychic, just 'aware'!!

BTW, Portia, my mother would probably have got the same response from the dying lady because she would have turned into a fussing over-the-top Florence Nightingale during the cruise - 'needing to be needed'.  

Oh yes - I flagged 'see how far I can get' cos I'm not quite sure what I mean by that.  Where DO I want to get???  

Hmmm - well, I think this has to do with 'personality'.  If I've set myself on the trail of something, I pursue it to the end.  I discovered this concept of 'narcissism' and I wanted to know what it meant for me and my mother.  I'm in the middle of a road I need to hoe.  That's all I can say.  I'm certainly more than half way there.  

Hmm - I would like a relationship with my mother that is not based on terror. Why the h*** shouldn't I be able to have a civilised conversation with my own mother?  

Hmm - well, she may never be able to stop 'controlling' and forcing her OWN solutions on me.   But maybe I can be distant enough to laugh rather than fight.  You know : do a bit of       right at her.  

I got the impression the social worker's assistant did that - not mean, not shaming, just not taking the manipulation seriously, reaching a more rational part of her - 'come off it, D'.  No one else amongst the professionals has been able to do that for her - they all respond in the usual negative way Ns bring on themselves.  Rejected.  Actually that 'come off it, D' wow - I just heard about ten different voices saying that phrase to her.  My father, my aunt, my cousin.  WOW!  Why didn't anyone let me in on the secret before?????  (Because they'd be encouraging me to be 'cheeky' instead of respecting my mother!)

Dear, dear, dear.  How do we help our kids out of these holes we create in our society.  Alice Miller again, I guess.

I do know my mother's in a lot of emotional pain. She's never been on a cruise.  Doesn't drive.  Never had an affair.  Doesn't drink.  Is diabetic, had heart failure two years ago, has had laser surgery for cataracts and can't see very well, has had electric shock treatment for 'depression' in the past, and lives in about a square foot of space surrounded by mountains of paper and things and photographs of me.  She's too ashamed to let anyone in (house/soul) - and anyway, people can't get in to help (house/soul).  There are no small luxuries in her life and little human contact.  It's painfully, painfully sad.        And I don't want her to live like that.  But I know it's a choice and it's her choice.  Sortof!

School's out.  Gotta go.
R
I'm embarrassed this is so long.  What did you put in your post, Portia - cascara????!

[rosencrantz]

If it were me, I know I'd have wished it had been the other way round and that if one of them had to go, it would have been her first. Oh Gosh, I probably shouldn't say that, but it would seem so natural to feel like that, even though I'd get consumed with stupid guilt and embrrassment after for thinking it, no doubt!!  

Sure, I've had that thought.  Overall it's been better for me - and I take it as a gift!!! - that he went first.  I am in such a better place in my life.  I can see so clearly now, it's almost unbelievable.  (I think that, even through the screen, you're gonna to see changes comin'!!!   )

I'd rather it had been the other way round - we could have fun, at long last - he'd have so enjoyed his grandson - truly. They deserved each other in the best sense.  That's the hugest loss.  They only met twice.  I just couldn't bear to be around my mother.  

I'd have had him come and live here - he'd have loved to have come.  I know I'd have enjoyed him being around.  He'd have loved village life.  There's so much here for oldies.  He'd have loved walking into the village and round and about.  He once joked that if mum died first, he'd come and live in our paddock in a tent!  And I've noticed I keep looking out on the green visualising a little tent!!!!!   but  

But he looked after me, truly looked after me, by going first and then taking me on this mad merry go round to really sort out 'what is it between you and your mother'.  Maybe.  That's how I choose to see it anyway because it makes me feel cared for and comforted.  And who knows.  It doesn't matter.  I don't need 'the truth', starkly, all the time!!  

If your dad were here today, what would you do? Where would you go? What would you talk about? Let's not include your mother in the picture. Let's leave her out. You could go for a stroll together arm-in-arm, take your son, and enjoy watching him run and laugh, together. Chat about what a lovely boy he is. I don't know, I'm just playing with the idea here.

Yes, that's lovely.  Thanks for bringing Dad back into the picture.  That's where I need to stay really.  I've given my mother too much of my attention.   ooops - there she was again! It's a lovely picture CG - I start crying every time I read it.  Both   and  .  I wish for this thing which never happened.  It's lovely.  That's a gift!!  A lovely gift.  Thanks.
R
[/i]

[Portia]

I’m struggling. I was very shocked – very shocked - by your letter and gift. Perhaps this a fundamental difference: I commend you R if I may for what you have done and what you aim to do but we’re so different. My psychic bank account wouldn’t let me do what you do. I’m keeping out of it now – too different and I don’t want to upset with endless, useless questions which only serve to explain to me. That is definitely not the point! Best, P

[rosencrantz]

Hi Portia - Come back!  I'm here as you post!!  I know how different it is for you and me.  Did you only just realise???  My mother - in me, on me, everywhere with me.  Suffocating.  Your mother has her eyes on a different horizon.  You are nowhere to be seen.  But I see you, Sunsilk girl.  (Have you seen it yet, the ad?)

'Close' relationship?  I don't like it like it is with her but that's 'what I know'.  Same for you in your difference, your distance!!!  It's what feels familiar and safe to each of us.  The result : you, Bloomsbury bohemian; me, boring English middle class!!!?????

But my mother doesn't 'see' ME!  Just like your mother didn't see YOU!  Just different ways of not seeing!!!  Sunsilk girl still waiting to be noticed, little ladybird jumping up to get into the line of vision.  I'm full on.  Here I am.  Car smash.  Different ways of being.

You had, I think, more freedom to find out who you were and to be that person because nobody bothered (with) you. (?)  I was not allowed to find out who I was as my mother was too busy being me!!!  LOL

Don't commend me.  I don't seek commendation.  I'm not sure I'm doing the healthy thing yet, the right thing, what's good for her or good for me.  I'm experimenting.  I believe I'm meeting her expectations but meeting them 'my way'.  I'm watching.  It could be absolute failure; maybe she'll be happy.  I still want to drag her out of that terrible place she's in but I'll know soon if it's possible or even right.

I don't even want a relationship with her.  But she has no-one else!!!  And I see her and feel so much pain.  The truth is I don't care but I feel. (??!)  How can you 'care' about someone who has smothered you, bludgeoned you and demanded everything for herself in the public guise of giving everything to you?????  But I feel her pain.  It feels like MY pain.  Maybe it IS my pain.  Maybe she doesn't feel anything at all.  Maybe it's there inside her but she doesn't feel it but I feel it.  She's trained me well as a dumping ground.  And here, I'm back to not knowing who is who.  

I don't want her round me for the confusion she causes in me.  She demands love.  I don't love her.  Can somebody love my mother for me?  Please?  Can somebody build her some boundaries so she won't invade mine?  I just want somebody to take her away - perhaps look after her and make her feel better, then I won't have to!!!  But MY pain, the pain that's really inside me, that's what I'm going to conquer.  That's the road (row?) I'm hoeing.  Then I'll know, I'll really, really know what it is about me and my mother!!!  

Phew!  Thanks for that.  (More cascara??!)

Why were you shocked?  What's does psychic bank account do?  
R
PS I'm not giving my mother attention here, I'm giving YOU attention.  And I'm giving ME attention.  Because I want to!!!

[rosencrantz]

Oh sh*t what happened here.  I've been working, working for days, getting as nice as pie, working so hard so I'm the best I possibly can be for dealing with my mother, calm, smooth, yes, thinking of dad, calm, kind, happy thoughts, tears and maybe (intake of breath) sentimentality - never mind, it works - feelings, anyway - and my whole apple cart just shot into the air and everything has fallen and landed harshly haphazardly all over the place.  I've got another headache. I haven't phoned.  I should have phoned but I'm all over the place, tense, rattled - she'll have my buttons pressed in no time and I'll be after her like a rattle snake, a wolverine, pouncing and pressing all the wrong buttons back.  

Sod it - she can phone me.  Or write to me.   She won't.  She'll say it proves I didn't care because I didn't phone.  I can't live my life like this.        I'm so angry, angry, angry with her.  And I don't know who I'm angry with any more.  I'm so sick of it all.  I'm sick of being good.  Sick of being controlled/having to be controlled.  Sick of being the butt of everything.  Yes, she SHOULD have been the one to go first.  

She bitched and bitched at me after I supported her when dad died.  I supported her too much, then removed myself briefly.  That's what she can't bear - abandonment.  She said irrational things in a crazy way, nagged me and blamed me and made my life hell.  She certainly paid me back.  And it's all just like when I started to make the move away from home at 19.  Me, the innocent, bewildered.  Huh? I never knew I was this terrible person.  Headaches.  Doctor.  Psychiatrist?!!!!???  You mean this person I'm chatting to each week is a psychiatrist!!!?  Hey - it was the 'in' thing to be chatting to this particular guy at that particular time in that particular environment.  Yes, really!  My mother hates him with a passion to this day.  "You took my daughter away from me.  You ruined my life."  Er, no...that was me!  Per-lease will you just let go.

And then I think I'm a terrible mother - I feel so useless.  Odd moments of brilliant mothering but the rest of the time like Wildflowers mother or Portia's.  God knows what stories he'll create about his childhood with me!!!  "I went to all these efforts to entertain my mother and still I was boring".  "She just avoided me all the time - even if we sat together it would be to watch telly or she'd have her nose in some junk mail catalogue."  "She never believed (in) me."  "She was always saying she loved me, but I knew better."  He's 'just like' my mother!!  It's never enough.  A permanent uphill struggle to get him to think positively and rationally about the world.  (Perhaps I expect too much of a ten year old?)

Back to my mother.  She terrorised me my whole life and hasn't got the faintest idea.  Change the goalposts, rewrite history.  She'd want to know 'why' so I'd give an example.  "Oh, I wouldn't say that dear.  I couldn't.  That's not nice.  That's not me."  Maybe I went mad and didn't notice.  

I think of my life to give you examples of how she terrorised me tho - and I HAVEN'T GOT ANY.  I haven't got stories like CG.  All I know is what happened this last year.  And the terrible ways I've felt and what's she's 'done'.  This year has been a microcosm of my life as a child.  I KNOW that it's been like that my whole life long.  Why else would I have watched a film called Sybil and say 'I don't understand how or why but that's my life up there.  And Gaslight.   That's HOW I FEEL but it's not WHAT I KNOW.

And the guilt when I finally 'realised' that it was ALL MY FAULT.  (Not that I would or could have done anything differently)

AND I CAN'T DO THIS ANY MORE.            I CANT I CANT I CANT.  I JUST CANT.
r

CG For God's sake throw me one of those T shirts and let's get outta here!!!!!  XXXX size please.

[Wildflower]

Hi R,

Can I join your anger sorrow grief, R?  I wanted so much to be out playing tonight but I’ve got a bad case of the blues.

And then I think I'm a terrible mother - I feel so useless. Odd moments of brilliant mothering but the rest of the time like Wildflowers mother or Portia's. God knows what stories he'll create about his childhood with me!!! "I went to all these efforts to entertain my mother and still I was boring". "She just avoided me all the time - even if we sat together it would be to watch telly or she'd have her nose in some junk mail catalogue." "She never believed (in) me." "She was always saying she loved me, but I knew better." He's 'just like' my mother!! It's never enough. A permanent uphill struggle to get him to think positively and rationally about the world. (Perhaps I expect too much of a ten year old?)

I’m so, so sorry if my stories of my mother have upset you and the other mothers here.  But he’s only 10, R.  My trouble started when I was 8.  You have so much time to hug your son and love him.  Listen to him.  Notice him.

I realize that some of the things my mom said are mild, and that any good mother could say these things.  Taken alone, any of the things she said could have been forgiven, even laughed off.  But the neglect and criticism piled up.  There was little to nothing to balance it out.

When my mom put me off, she never followed up.  Except maybe once in a blue moon.  She rarely played with me.  She rarely spent time with me.  She turned her back on me over and over and over again.  And when she criticized me, she criticized who I was.  She would say really mean things to me and then laugh them off when I got mad or upset.  “I’m just teasing honey.  Can’t you take a joke?”  

I went to a therapist once when I was 8 or 9, on request of the school counselor.  The therapist was this large matronly woman with white hair down to her shoulders.  We played tiddly winks.  We talked.  I was closed up.  She asked me if I needed a hug and asked me to crawl into her lap.  I did.  And I wanted to stay there forever and runaway all at the same time while she held me tight.  I was already starting to feel so bad about myself.  Years later, I asked my mom why I only went to see her once, and she told me we couldn’t afford to go anymore.  Okay.  I understand.  But then she said, in a gee isn't this interesting tone of voice, “You know, she told me that something had really hurt you.”  And that’s it.  That’s all my mom said.  She was TOLD by a damned therapist that I had been really hurt – and she did NOTHING.  Jeez I’m so mad and sad right now.

(BIG WAILING EMOTICON)

Anyway, I dated a guy for a couple of years and he had this habit of holding me close to him – he wouldn’t let me get away.  Turns out that’s what I needed – the worlds longest, safest, most dependable hug.  I just needed to know someone cared about me.  

Just be there for your son.  Hug him.  Let him know he can count on you when he’s in trouble, that you’ll be there when he’s hurt, that you’ll love him when he makes mistakes.  Love him for who he is.  I sense you already do these things.  Give yourself credit for that.  You don’t have to be perfect.  My mom was far beyond fumbling and being a little confused – and the more I look back and am able to handle the truth, the more I understand that.

I think of my life to give you examples of how she terrorised me tho - and I HAVEN'T GOT ANY. I haven't got stories like CG. All I know is what happened this last year. And the terrible ways I've felt and what's she's 'done'.

You know what I’ve discovered?  That my mom didn’t mean for me to feel the way I did.  It wasn’t her intention.  But I did.  My feelings were real.  I was confused, yes, but my feelings were real.  And my feelings were a sign, a big red flashing sign, that things were not okay.  My feelings pointed the way to what was confusing.  Your mother may never have terrorized you in the physical obvious sense, but she certainly terrorized your sense of who you are.  She invaded you.  You don't need terrible stories for that to feel terrible.

((big hug))

Wildflower

[Wildflower]

I just realized that I could be a complete heel for submitting that last post when what you said you were trying to do was collect yourself for a phone call.  I hope you know that I was trying to take away some of your doubt, not stir up more questions.

And about that phone call.  If you feel upset, that's your right.  Yes, she can call you.  She knows how to use a phone just as well as you do, no?

And if she demands an answer to the question (or even hints at the question itself), Why didn't you call??  Tell her the truth.  You've been grieving.  You miss your dad terribly.  You wanted to be able to give your mother support, but you were too upset yourself.  It's your right.

Or better yet, you decide whether or not she deserves to know how you feel.  Just know on the inside that you don't have to justify yourself in this time.  You're hurting just as much as she is.  If not more.

All my best,
Wildflower

[Anonymous]

Hi Rosencrantz,

I just wanted to say I've been trying to reply to you but I have had so much backlog of paperwork I've had to work throught the wee hours with no distractions. I popped in quickly and read your posts and want so much to spend some time talking with you. Hopefully I can shortly, but in the meantime I'm shooting off this note to say,

((((((((BBBIIIGGG HHHUUUGGG)))))))))))

CG

[Anonymous]

Hi Rosencrantz finally,  
Oh my gosh, so close to end of financial year, and the paperwork has gotten almost beyond me. I wish you here to keep me focussed on the task! We could chat and fly through it, unravelling the meanings of the painful memories of our past.

I've been reading and reading and reading, and an image of your mother's relationship to you has been fleeting and darting, attempting to either be discovered or  hide from my conscious mind. Dunno??  But I got some clear pictures today, I THINK    I know I've got an overactive imagination, so I'm not sure if they're accurate or not. I was gonna run them by you if you're up to it. Don't worry about it if you're not.

But if you are  post back and say Yes, or just leave it. It's your call and I know I'm not the gentlest person in the world so I'd completely understand.

And I wanted to say to Wildflower's comment on this thread about talking about her mother's mothering and how it may have affected or made some mother's here feel bad or rotten. Not me, I appreicated the perspective very much. I think it's good to hear what's been done that causes pain in relationships intentionally as well as unintentionally. Especially where our children are concenerned. I used that last night for example. And did a little reminder and put it guess where    DAH DAH!! ON THE FRIDGE OF COURSE!!

Also Rosencrantz, I've realised from reading your posts that I don't fully grasp the victim, persecutor, rescuer (whatever triangle) as much as I previously thought, and I wanted to do some more reading on this. Especially when you talk about it in the context of when you've rescued your mum. That blows me away!!! Where did you get this stuff from? I forget. I know you posted something on it recently. I thought I had this one down pat till I've reflected on some of your points. Oh how wrong I was.

 
((((Big Hug))))

CG

[rosencrantz]

Yes Guest - the answer is 'yes'.  Anything to get me out of this misery.  You might say something I 'know' or something I really do know or something that wipes me out with the pain of guilt and shame.  You might have to pick me up off the floor.  But I'm listening.

I came in earlier and wrote :

It's early morning and I stopped off on my way through to breakfast.  As soon as I opened this thread the tears were pouring down my cheeks.  But I have to hide them and button up before anyone finds me.  

No Wildflower.  I keep telling you   you never hurt me.  I don't think you're capable of huring anyone.  There's nothing you can say that would hurt me - so keep that voice going.  

And Portia, I'm so angry with you.  I'm your FRIEND and I'm angry with you - can you tolerate that.  Come back in here and cope with INTIMACY!!! with all its ups and downs.  I feel like the Guest who was angry with me for starting a thread about 'identity and not having to be consistent' (because of what happened within the thread).  Why, why, why did you have to do that, she shouted at me.  I didn't I replied.  But the damage was done. Do I know what I mean, here?

I'm channelling again -  Portia - am I talking to you or my mother or myself??  I mean you no harm - you're my friend (whether you like it or not!).  Whatever you do or think or feel right now, don't let guilt in the door.

Here I am, back hours later.

Will more shame rattle up to my neck if I post this.  I posted with passion yesterday in reply to Portia and then looked for an escape in other threads.  Ooops - I wasn't needed there.  No escape, then. Falling apart instead.  Helping other people keeps me glued together.  Heart, mind, soul completely wrapped up in someone else's being.  Just like my mother did to me.  Except I do it then let go.  I say what I see.  Some people find it helpful.  Look Ma, this is how you do it!!!  You honour, you support and then you just 'let go'.  

I got exhausted when I did all that other work here a couple of weeks ago.  So much more was still coming up - like lava from a volcano that had finally erupted.  I wanted to look, wanted to see, peer into the eye.  But I was exhausted.  I just couldn't keep going at the same pace.  And that's OK.  Sigh.  Lives to live.

Shall I post this?  I'm still sobbing.  And suddenly I've got this illogical thing going with Portia - "Come back here!!!"  "Stand up and be counted".  "Don't you weasel out on me now."  Portia - does that make sense to YOU???

Oh God - I'm talking to my father.  He asked 'what is it with you and your mother' and I struggled to find him a temporary answer (I can't cope with the emotional bruising, dad) and then he weaseled out on me.  Just like you did Portia.  Well not exactly the same - he died; you haven't even had chance to get back to your computer!!!!!    But you said you were shocked at my reply and that you were 'keeping out of it now'.  No, I know that's still not exactly what happened - but that's where it roosted somewhere in my psyche.

Sigh.  Exhausted again.  Stuff 'grips' me and I'm so afraid of what it might do, how destructive it is/I am to those around me.  I'm leaking, too, CG, seeping.  I don't want to live my life outside these four walls because I never know what's going to 'grip' me next.  Will I hit out before I've worked it out?  Portia - are you all right?  Did anything I said have ANY basis in your reality???

Sigh.  Over and out.
R

[rosencrantz]

Dear Wildflower.  If I say there's nothing you could say that could hurt me, does it mean to you that I'm not listening?  I'm listening.

Tell her the truth. You've been grieving. You miss your dad terribly. You wanted to be able to give your mother support, but you were too upset yourself. It's your right.

Or better yet, you decide whether or not she deserves to know how you feel. Just know on the inside that you don't have to justify yourself in this time. You're hurting just as much as she is. If not more.

Thank you.  That's what's so hard for me to find/define.  The truth.  I know that's the truth and I know those are the choices I have.  But it takes SO MUCH WORK for me to 'analyse the situation' and get there.  Thanks for the script!!!!!!!
R