Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.
Wildflower:
I just realized that I could be a complete heel for submitting that last post when what you said you were trying to do was collect yourself for a phone call. I hope you know that I was trying to take away some of your doubt, not stir up more questions.
And about that phone call. If you feel upset, that's your right. Yes, she can call you. She knows how to use a phone just as well as you do, no?
And if she demands an answer to the question (or even hints at the question itself), Why didn't you call?? Tell her the truth. You've been grieving. You miss your dad terribly. You wanted to be able to give your mother support, but you were too upset yourself. It's your right.
Or better yet, you decide whether or not she deserves to know how you feel. Just know on the inside that you don't have to justify yourself in this time. You're hurting just as much as she is. If not more.
All my best,
Wildflower
Anonymous:
Hi Rosencrantz,
I just wanted to say I've been trying to reply to you but I have had so much backlog of paperwork I've had to work throught the wee hours with no distractions. I popped in quickly and read your posts and want so much to spend some time talking with you. Hopefully I can shortly, but in the meantime I'm shooting off this note to say,
((((((((BBBIIIGGG HHHUUUGGG)))))))))))
CG
Anonymous:
Hi Rosencrantz finally, :D
Oh my gosh, so close to end of financial year, and the paperwork has gotten almost beyond me. I wish you here to keep me focussed on the task! We could chat and fly through it, unravelling the meanings of the painful memories of our past.
I've been reading and reading and reading, and an image of your mother's relationship to you has been fleeting and darting, attempting to either be discovered or hide from my conscious mind. Dunno?? But I got some clear pictures today, I THINK :!: :idea: I know I've got an overactive imagination, so I'm not sure if they're accurate or not. I was gonna run them by you if you're up to it. Don't worry about it if you're not.
But if you are post back and say Yes, or just leave it. It's your call and I know I'm not the gentlest person in the world so I'd completely understand.
And I wanted to say to Wildflower's comment on this thread about talking about her mother's mothering and how it may have affected or made some mother's here feel bad or rotten. Not me, I appreicated the perspective very much. I think it's good to hear what's been done that causes pain in relationships intentionally as well as unintentionally. Especially where our children are concenerned. I used that last night for example. And did a little reminder and put it guess where :D DAH DAH!! ON THE FRIDGE OF COURSE!!
Also Rosencrantz, I've realised from reading your posts that I don't fully grasp the victim, persecutor, rescuer (whatever triangle) as much as I previously thought, and I wanted to do some more reading on this. Especially when you talk about it in the context of when you've rescued your mum. That blows me away!!! Where did you get this stuff from? I forget. I know you posted something on it recently. I thought I had this one down pat till I've reflected on some of your points. Oh how wrong I was.
((((Big Hug))))
CG
rosencrantz:
Yes Guest - the answer is 'yes'. Anything to get me out of this misery. You might say something I 'know' or something I really do know or something that wipes me out with the pain of guilt and shame. You might have to pick me up off the floor. But I'm listening.
I came in earlier and wrote :
It's early morning and I stopped off on my way through to breakfast. As soon as I opened this thread the tears were pouring down my cheeks. But I have to hide them and button up before anyone finds me.
No Wildflower. I keep telling you :wink: you never hurt me. I don't think you're capable of huring anyone. There's nothing you can say that would hurt me - so keep that voice going. :-)
And Portia, I'm so angry with you. I'm your FRIEND and I'm angry with you - can you tolerate that. Come back in here and cope with INTIMACY!!! with all its ups and downs. I feel like the Guest who was angry with me for starting a thread about 'identity and not having to be consistent' (because of what happened within the thread). Why, why, why did you have to do that, she shouted at me. I didn't I replied. But the damage was done. Do I know what I mean, here?
I'm channelling again - Portia - am I talking to you or my mother or myself?? I mean you no harm - you're my friend (whether you like it or not!). Whatever you do or think or feel right now, don't let guilt in the door.
Here I am, back hours later.
Will more shame rattle up to my neck if I post this. I posted with passion yesterday in reply to Portia and then looked for an escape in other threads. Ooops - I wasn't needed there. No escape, then. Falling apart instead. Helping other people keeps me glued together. Heart, mind, soul completely wrapped up in someone else's being. Just like my mother did to me. Except I do it then let go. I say what I see. Some people find it helpful. Look Ma, this is how you do it!!! You honour, you support and then you just 'let go'.
I got exhausted when I did all that other work here a couple of weeks ago. So much more was still coming up - like lava from a volcano that had finally erupted. I wanted to look, wanted to see, peer into the eye. But I was exhausted. I just couldn't keep going at the same pace. And that's OK. Sigh. Lives to live.
Shall I post this? I'm still sobbing. And suddenly I've got this illogical thing going with Portia - "Come back here!!!" "Stand up and be counted". "Don't you weasel out on me now." Portia - does that make sense to YOU???
Oh God - I'm talking to my father. He asked 'what is it with you and your mother' and I struggled to find him a temporary answer (I can't cope with the emotional bruising, dad) and then he weaseled out on me. Just like you did Portia. Well not exactly the same - he died; you haven't even had chance to get back to your computer!!!!! :wink: But you said you were shocked at my reply and that you were 'keeping out of it now'. No, I know that's still not exactly what happened - but that's where it roosted somewhere in my psyche.
Sigh. Exhausted again. Stuff 'grips' me and I'm so afraid of what it might do, how destructive it is/I am to those around me. I'm leaking, too, CG, seeping. I don't want to live my life outside these four walls because I never know what's going to 'grip' me next. Will I hit out before I've worked it out? Portia - are you all right? Did anything I said have ANY basis in your reality???
Sigh. Over and out.
R
rosencrantz:
Dear Wildflower. If I say there's nothing you could say that could hurt me, does it mean to you that I'm not listening? I'm listening.
--- Quote ---Tell her the truth. You've been grieving. You miss your dad terribly. You wanted to be able to give your mother support, but you were too upset yourself. It's your right.
Or better yet, you decide whether or not she deserves to know how you feel. Just know on the inside that you don't have to justify yourself in this time. You're hurting just as much as she is. If not more.
--- End quote ---
Thank you. That's what's so hard for me to find/define. The truth. I know that's the truth and I know those are the choices I have. But it takes SO MUCH WORK for me to 'analyse the situation' and get there. Thanks for the script!!!!!!!
R
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