Can we learn? Boundaires!!!!

[Lupita]

This is the part that I am failing:T

the first two steps are the actual parts of setting the boundary. The third part is something you need to know for yourself, so that you know what action you can take if the other person violates the boundary. If you set a boundary and expect the other person to abide by it automatically - then you are setting yourself up to be a victim of your expectations.

It is not enough to just set boundaries - it is necessary to be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. You need to be willing to go to any length, do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

It is also very important to set consequences that you are willing to enforce. If you are setting boundaries in a relationship, and you are not yet at a point where you are ready to leave the relationship - then don't say that you will leave. You can say that you will start considering all of your options, including leaving - but do not state that you will do something that you are not yet ready to do.

[Hopalong]

Start with very little ones, Lup, and tell yourself,
I have to do this wrong two times, and right two times.
And then change it: wrong one time, right three times,
wrong four times, right one time.

This will help you stop telling yourself "I'm failing"
and instead tell yourself, "I'm learning. I'm practicing.
This is what practicing is. Practicing something new
includes making mistakes and not always doing it right."

If that wasn't true nobody would need piano lessons.

Hops

[Lupita]

Mother!!!!!!!!  That is a wonderful idea. I will use this board, because at the same time I get feed back from wonderful people.

Thank you Mof4

Please, friends, keep helping me. Can you tell me about your boundaries?

Hop, can you tell me about your boundaries?

Do I wait until somebody steps on my toes? How can I invent my boundaries?

Please, friends, tell me about it!!!!!!!! Please.

[Hopalong]

Lupita,
Making that phone call is one small boundary. Saying No.
The basic boundary of all boundaries.
That phone call is simply to say, No.

I think if you read Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl, and then start asking yourself,
What is the worst that could happen? And then visualize the choices...you'll break out of the paralysis.

It's that kind of work. No quick, instant answer, unfortunately.

But I know you can do it.

Hops

[Lupita]

I do not want to be with O, O's mom, P, or A. I choose to remove my self from those people. FIRST time I AM DOING THIS.

You want the other person to change their behavior - you hope they will. But you need to own all of your choices in order to empower yourself to take responsibility for your life - to stop setting yourself up to be a victim. One of your choices is to remove yourself from a relationship with another person. You can leave a marriage. You can leave a job. You do not have to have any contact with your family of origin. It is vitally important to own all of your choices.

If you do not own that you have a choice to leave an abusive relationship - then neither are you making a choice to stay in the relationship. You are just "going along." Any time you do not own your choices, you are empowering victimization. You will then blame the other person, and/or blame yourself. It is a vital part of the process of learning to love yourself, and taking responsibility for being a co-creator in your life, to own all of your choices.

[motheroffour]

Lupita, my darling,

Love what you are saying here in your last post.  Love the idea of owning my choices.  Sometimes I feel I make choices because I have to.  Part of the trap.

 Questions come to my mind....
How do I own choices but stay in relationships.  If I stay out of relationships, then the pushes and pulls of it, the obligations of it, the respect of others needs are all suspended.  It is clean.  But I realize that I am not an island and I have to, for my own happiness, engage in relationships.  So,
how do I stop being a victim but stay in a marrage?  How do I take responsibility for my choices without being painful for others?  I guess I feel such a responsibility to be kind and understanding and tolerant of others weakness, that I tend to throw out the baby with the bath water.  I throw out my own needs and wants and standards, in favor of making the other guy comfortable.  Clearly that doesn't work.  So then I withdraw completely and crap!, I end up alone.  Don't want to be alone.  So, I have to learn how to navigate relationships.  I need remedial help, I am afraid.  Trying to learn from your posts. 

Thank you my dear for listening.....

--mof4

[lighter]

Lupita, you're doiing such wonderful work on your boundaries. 

Reading it is a learning/review experience for me too.

You're getting it! 

You're making connections and figuring out how to give your needs as much/more importance than any other person in your life.   

[Lupita]

I choose to go by my self to my dance, rather than to beg a friend to accompany me. I can go alone and dance and come back whenever i want.

 When you look outside yourself for self-definition and self-worth, you are giving your power away and setting yourself up to be a victim. Society has trained you to be victim. You have been taught to give your power away.

  As just one small example of how pervasively you were trained to be a victim, consider how often you have said, or heard someone say, "I have to go to work tomorrow." When a person says "I have to" they are making a victim statement. To say, "I have to get up, and I have to go to work," is a lie. No one forces an adult to get up and go to work. The truth is "I choose to get up and I choose to go to work today, because I choose to not have the consequences of not working."

  To say "I choose" is not only the truth, it is empowering and acknowledges an act of self-love. When we "have to" do something we feel like a victim. And because we feel victimized, we will then be angry, and want to punish whomever we see as forcing us do something we do not want to do.

  We always have a choice. The choice may sometimes seem to be awful - but in reality, allowing ourselves to buy into the illusion that we are trapped will have far worse consequences in the long run.

[Lupita]

Porbably mother of 4 you were not taken care as a child. That is the consequence, we think that we will not survive alone. We will survive. I promise you.
The company we are crying for, does not exist, it is a ghost. A ghost whose power we our selves attribute to it. And that company we cry for, they do not do anything for us. We do everything for them. It is the opposite but we think it viceverse.
I was very badly discriminated in a job and I stayed there for six years. I thought that nobody would hire me. I stayed there because of fear of the unknown. But when the pain of staying is bigger than the pain of leaving you leave. And I did. Guess what. I got a job three weeks later. Not even time to rest. I had an unjustified fear. Probably you do too.
Thank you motherof4 for your nice posts, you are loving and lovable. Thank you so much for your help, your time to read and write and post and be such a nice human being. Thank you.

[Lupita]

Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly and honestly.

  Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to yourself. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself - to protect yourself when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to yourself without owning yourself - and owning your rights and responsibilities as co-creator of your life.

I have to take care of my self. If I espect somebody else to take care of my self I am setting my self up to a trap. To be a victim.

I am not a victim. I do not want to be a victim. I want to be in charge. I have to be responsible of my own life.

[Lupita]

I DONT NEED ANYBODY, I HAVE MY SELF!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

I do not want to be a sheep, I do not want to say baaaaa baaaaa  beeee beeee when the leader raises his hand. I do not want to suck up to a Narcissistic B****ch. Period. I will find a healthy friendship of mutual give and take, not control frieck.


Setting boundaries means that you are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in a relationship.

Setting boundaries reflects your right to say NO to those things that aren't right for you.

Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of yourself, no matter what happens, where you go or who you are with.

Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to yourself.

Boundaries emerge from a belief that what you want, need, like and dislike is important.

Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve.

[lighter]

Lupita:

HEAR! HEAR!

[Lupita]

My friend S wanted to invite another friend who is a friend of O who causes me triggering. I told her, she makes me uncomfortable and that I cannot go with her. S said I will take care of it, donot worry. Those are the friends I need to hang out with. I do not need retarded victims or arrogant Ns. Just a friend, just a fair person. S is going with me to the dance. I am not saying I am going with her. She is going with me. I am choosing to pick her up because I want to. She is not using me. I want to pick her up. I want to be nice to her. She wants to leave her car in her house in case her sick mother needs something. I choose to pick her up to be nice to her. Not to get her aproval. I own the fact the I will drive. I am choosing to drive. We will come back when I want to.I am in control of my life. Not her life, mylife. I can survive on my own. Do not need anybody.

1]  Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to
boundaries you need to set.

12]  When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger
and in as few words as possible.

13]  You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and also take care of their feelings - they may be
hurt, angry or disappointed with you.

14]  When you first begin to set boundaries, you may feel ashamed and afraid.

15]  Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.

16]  You'll be tested when you set boundaries.

17]  Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.

18]  A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.

19]  You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

10]  There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries - it feels good.

[Ami]

Lupita,
    You GO,Girl. You are doing great                                                 Love  Ami