Hi Everyone,
I've been out of town for a week. I just got back yesterday. Here's what happened while I was gone. I'm glad to be back home and glad this past week is over.
A week ago Friday Mammaw was evaluated at rehab to go back to assisted living. She did very well and they moved her back Saturday. Saturday night she fell but was okay, then she fell again and the director at assisted living said she needed someone with her 24 hours a day until she got better. They took her to the hospital after the second fall and determined that she had another UTI. They put her on antibiotics for it. Every time she’s had a UTI it’s affected her walking, so I was sure that when the UTI cleared up she would be okay.
On Tuesday evening the nurse came into the room to give Mammaw her meds. She said she didn't have the antibiotic and we needed to check on it. I called my mom and asked her about it, and went off on me telling me not to blame her and that she was doing the best she could and on and on and on she went. I kept trying to explain to her that I wasn't interested in blaming anyone, but that it was real important for Mammaw to have her antibiotics and that we needed to call the doctor and make sure that assisted living had her antibiotic.
My youngest daughter begged me to take her with me this time. Last time I went to help with Mammaw she stayed here and went to daycare. She said she didn’t want to go to daycare, she wanted to go with me and she wanted to visit Mammaw and Grandpa. My father has been doing okay since taking the lactulose and the other drug that keeps him from getting sick to his stomach. I talked to him before I left and he said he was feeling okay and he really wanted to see my daughter too, and to bring her with me. I know now that was a mistake.
I was working with my parents to find Mammaw a 24 hour sitter for Mammaw so she could be taken care of when I left. My Dad and I had spoken to my cousin about her finances, and he said that a 24 hour sitter along with the fee for assisted living would drain her funds too quickly. She was already at level 4 at assisted living, and there is no level 5, which means without a 24 hour sitter she would have to be moved to a nursing home that had skilled help. He said that if she moved back in with me, that she could easily afford a sitter for 8 to 12 hours a day. Mammaw had also been begging me to talk to Dad about her coming back here.
The whole time all of this was going on, my mother had been working with me (I thought) about getting Mammaw a sitter. This was before we talked to my cousin. I talked with my Dad and found out that the whole time I had been gathering names for sitters, my mother had been talking to Dad about moving Mammaw to the nursing home right away, she said a decision had to be made right now, and Dad had been telling her that he wanted to talk to her doctor first to see if Mammaw could handle the plane ride back to my house. This infuriated my mother.
The whole situation was very weird. Mammaw would ask me if I was taking her with me, and Mom would yell at me when she did and storm out of the room. Dad would look at me and apologize, and go try to calm down Mom. In Mom’s eyes, I was responsible for everything Mammaw said. It was my fault that she wanted to come back to my house and my fault that she was asking questions. I don’t know if I am capable of taking care of her now. I know that I can’t without a full time sitter. She can’t hardly walk at all. Conversations are difficult for her and she’s frequently confused. She sleeps much more than she use to.
Mom kept going off on me, then the next time I would see her she would pretend nothing had happened. It took a toll on me the whole time I was there and I was worried about my daughter witnessing all of it. The whole week felt like one big panic attack. My T has told me over and over that I am good at taking care of others but I don’t take good care of myself. The last night I was there Mammaw was sleeping and my stomach was in a knot, I felt like screaming and I couldn’t calm myself. I was worried about my daughter because of what she was witnessing, and worried about my father, and my grandmother, and it seemed that no matter what I was doing nothing was helping. I decided that all of this was too much and it was time for me to leave. My father called yesterday morning and said that they were on the way to assisted living, and I told him I had to go. He said when do you need to leave and I told him right now, I said I needed to get on the plane right now. I told him that the way mom was treating me was abusive, that I had grown up with that and it was making me crazy now, and that I had to leave. They got to assisted living and I grabbed the keys and said I was going to the library to book our flights out. My mom said what about your Dad’s Cat Scan tomorrow, I said I have to go. Dad followed me to the car and I couldn’t stop crying. I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t be there tomorrow but I couldn’t handle the abuse and I had to go. I told him that I wasn’t my mother’s garbage pail, and I couldn’t take it any longer. He said he was sorry she was treating me that way and not to worry. He said the cat scan was a routine procedure they did every so often and not to worry about it he would work it out and he helped me book our tickets at the library. This was at noon, I booked the flight for 3, and Dad stayed with Mammaw while Mom drove me to the airport. Mammaw said before I left not to do this to her, I told her I had to go. Mom asked on the way to the airport if I had tried to schedule the flight after Dad’s cat scan, I said no, I have to go. She said she was sorry things got so complicated. I didn’t respond. I knew she wasn’t sorry about anything. I think she was surprised that I would walk away from it all. She cried when I got out of the car and I walked away. I wasn’t fooled by her tears. I couldn’t take anymore. My emotional health had gone down the tubes in one week. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t eat and it was time for me to go.
When she drove away and I was in line at the airport the panic stopped. I was extremely sad, but the knot in my stomach left. Today I still feel sad but not panicked. My T has told me for 2 years that it’s not wrong to take care of myself, and this time I took care of myself and I am feeling okay now. I think this is progress for me.
Mammaw’s doctors appt is tomorrow. I don’t know what he will say about her coming back here. I don’t know if she’ll be back here by the end of the week or whether dad will decide on a nursing home. But I practiced what my T has been telling me to do for a long time. And for me today there’s a lot of tears, but I feel safe and I feel like I did the right thing.
Thanks for listening.
