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My parents have barely spoken to me since Dec 2001

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mrt:
I had no idea my parents were narcisstic until I did something that they didn't approve of. I was 37 at the time - Imagine my shock.  I had moved out of state and came back to town one time and didn't come over right away to see them - I had plans for Christmas shopping and want just wanted to relax before I braved going over there. My wife ,children and I were staying with my in-laws. Non church going people that my family considered "heathens"  
My parents were outraged. I was then furious that they were upset.  We had words over the phone and I refused to see them at Christmas. They retaliated by getting all of my  finiancial support withdraw from our church which was sponsoring me while attended school out of state. I was hurt and shocked by the congregation not even asking me why I suddenly "didn't need the money anymore."  - I had 4 kids and a wife to support.  
Well come May my wife desperately wanted to visit for a week,  her mother for mother's day. I took my wife to visit her mother  to honor her as the mother of my children. I dropped her off along with the kids and headed back out of state to our home. Well on the way back, I recieved a phone call from my dad stating that he was coming down to see me. I told him that I was traveling back home and that no body would be there cause they were visiting my wife's mom.
The next dayl I recieved an email with my dad threatening to come down and to beat me with a baseball bat because I didn't come over to see them while in town.  I recieved numerous emails from siblings and spouses stating how rotten and selfish I was and we had chosen to stay with heathens who drank alcohol and didn't attend church and we were lying to everyone.  ( My mother had obviously been on the phone working her compliant obedient children into a frenzy)
I wrote back a nice letter that a minister help me to compose trying to defend my self. Then they all wrote back and said I was full of sh** .
I was hurt and shocked again.
I got depressed and I couldn't concentrate on school so in October I packed up my family and moved back to town. They eventually found out and have never attempted to see their grandchildren or call or write.
I saw a psycharatrist due to my depression and showed him the letters they had written me. He advised me to stay away from them all.  Too much rage. He saw through the letters that they were " you can't tell them anything - they are always right"  
Now I'm wracked with guilt and anger for wasting my life helping them all these years. I bent over backwards not to offend them and my wife and I tried to please them but we realized finally that there was no pleasing them.  Now,  I have no relationship with my family. I like it sometimes and other time I feel that they should want a relationship with me and where are they. I feel bad for not wanting a relationship with them sometimes. I've had a lot of peace in my life and I don't want them back in it to spoil it. The dr told me that I was fine but I would have to deal with not seeing them.   help.    I need some advice from you guys.

write:
you poor thing, it's hard enough to deal with a violent uncaring family but when they do it in the name of god and religion it really tears your life apart.

Since living in the Southern US states I have met many many people like your family- repressed, angry, controlled and controlling. Mostly Southern Baptists, but there are other religions with similar uncompromising ideals ( one woman I knew  was a Mormon whose church congregation refused to help her unless she returned to her violent husband, she had no food, no support, nothing...of course, she went back, and her bishop told her she had done the right thing...)

Narcissism and religion seem to go hand in hand, cruelty and religion too. What better justification for having all your own way than 'God says...'

You have found your own good relationships and peace by walking away from their sickness. Don't feel bad about that. There are many of us here who have had to do the same to live the best lives we can. Count yourself lucky that you weren't sucked in and aren't acting out the corresponding bitterness and rage on your own wife and children.

As Jesus said:

'Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do'

Take care of yourself.

Dawning:
mrtraced, I am in such a similar place as you.  words do not come easy as i recall - all through my life - the manipulation, the emotional blackmail, the fear tactics.  The utter meanness.  And, the weird thing is that I think they love me in the only way they know how.  

I know the exhaustion and the shock  :shock:  :shock:   the sadness  :(  the confusion  :?   It's just unbelievable, sometimes, isn't it?  Our own flesh and blood.  

My cousin used a word, "thumbscrewed by my mother" recently.  I looked up the word and a thumbscrew was a kind of torture and that is what it feels like, torture.  It is like they get a delight from doing this.  


--- Quote ---I recieved a phone call from my dad stating that he was coming down to see me."
--- End quote ---


This is typical N-behaviour.  They never ask.  They take.  Our voices (read: preferences)  must really scare them.


--- Quote ---I recieved an email with my dad threatening to come down and to beat me with a baseball bat because I didn't come over to see them while in town
--- End quote ---


My goodness, what lengths will they go to to get attention!  This is abuse - even if a threat - it is still abuse.  Plain and simple.  Draw a big line between you and him is my advice.  Your father has no right whatsoever to say this.  No right whatsoever.  You have my empathy from one who knows, who has lived through it too.


--- Quote ---I recieved numerous emails from siblings and spouses stating how rotten and selfish I was and we had chosen to stay with heathens who drank alcohol and didn't attend church and we were lying to everyone. ( My mother had obviously been on the phone working her compliant obedient children into a frenzy)
--- End quote ---


This is a control thing.  They can't deal with the fact that you have your own life so they act out their fears rather than deal with them.  They've targeted you - unconciously probably - as the easy prey.  That is what I tell myself.  They don't even know what they are doing....but that is no excuse.  

Your therapist said some good things.  

Are you sad that your parents haven't spoken to you since 2001?  Maybe you are better off without them.  I was sad/angry/confused that my dad never spoke to me since I was taken away from the state with my mom/grandparents at the age of four.  He never even made the effort.  Recently, we exchanged some emails (35 years later) and boy, is he ever in la-la land.  Everything has to do with him.  Everything has to do with mom.  I could give and give and give of myself and it would never be enough.  

So, I have wisened up.  I am not giving my power to them anymore.  I am honouring myself and in the process of separating  from my parents bullsh*t and recognizing that is HAS TO BE DONE.  The effects of their treatment of me will linger but I would rather have emotional distance than have them get inside my head again.  It is so sad that it has come to this.  

I would get on with your own, beautiful life and let them come un-glued if they must but, let me tell you, they've got to own that one.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with you.  

Take my words however you will.  I have so much pent-up frustrations from a lifetime of this but I am finding alot of comfort on this board.  It is hard at the beginning.

Wishing you and your wife and children luck on your path towards wholeness.  It seems like you have tried everything.  Time to open up to new people and look elsewhere for support.  

I really appreciate your posting.  These people - good grief - they have tested us time and again.  Use your strength to make a better a life for you.

Thanks again for posting.

~Dawning

Dawning:

--- Quote ---Narcissism and religion seem to go hand in hand, cruelty and religion too. What better justification for having all your own way than 'God says...'
--- End quote ---


It seems like the only time my mother can be humble and open is once a week at church.  I saw her cry big crocodile tears at church when I was a child and then, come home, and not listen to a word I said.  "Mom, why does the moon hide parts of itself?"  "Mom, mom, why can't you hear me?"

Anonymous:
mrtraced,

Your psychiatrist is right....let him keep helping you. Your parents are seriously disturbed. You can't make them get treatment. Their violence and abuse will continue unabated. For the sake of your marriage and children, stay away from them. Keep getting support and help for the times when you naturally feel guilty and disconnected. And you've done NOTHING WRONG. Remember that.

bunny

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