Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What if you can't remember much of your childhood?
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---Why do I want to remember? Because I feel as though I’m missing 10 years of my life. I think I constructed a “false self” to satisfy my mother, so in some ways I don’t feel as though I actually lived my early life – it’s as though someone else lived it. I saw the past for so long through my mother’s distorting lens, and I want to see it clearly for myself. I don’t feel “different” because I can’t remember, but I do feel remembering will help heal me.
--- End quote ---
My view is that it isn't critical to recall events from childhood. What's important (imo) is to access the child within me and give her a chance to be a child now. I do it by letting myself feel the sense of curiosity, wonder, imagination, creativity. Getting to know my likes, dislikes, passions. This is the stuff my parents tried to suppress and replace with their own likes and dislikes. But they didn't get succeed. And they can't stop me anymore.
bunny
Wildflower:
Hi Portia,
--- Quote from: Portia ---
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---I had lost so many of my memories about things I cared about
--- End quote ---
I don't understand. You mean, you used to remember and now you don't? Or - your memory has changed because of new knowledge? Or - you want to remember things you have been told about?
--- End quote ---
I'm upset that I lost them when I was younger. My memories of my good dad had been squashed down into vague longings. So vague I didn't even know they were about him. I've been able to recover so many memories, so that's great. Just a bit steamed/sad about the losing them in the first place, because they're important to me - important to who I am.
Hi Bunny,
--- Quote ---My view is that it isn't critical to recall events from childhood. What's important (imo) is to access the child within me and give her a chance to be a child now. I do it by letting myself feel the sense of curiosity, wonder, imagination, creativity. Getting to know my likes, dislikes, passions. This is the stuff my parents tried to suppress and replace with their own likes and dislikes. But they didn't get succeed. And they can't stop me anymore.
--- End quote ---
You've managed to say in seven sentences what has taken me over a hundred posts to begin to nail down. I think you're so amazingly cool. :D
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
Hi Guest - glad my posts sparked something for you. :)
I think the issue is about 'remembering' what made us who we are. Not necessarily 'events' but the whole way we were treated. Events do point the way but our patterns of reacting and dealing with life in the here and now is the real key to the past AND the future.
Gosh. My brain hurts. I think I've got battle fatigue from another thread. I'm gonna have to go and lie down now. (This may be my shortest post ever!! :wink: )
R
Wildflower:
I loved this connection that Portia made, so I wanted to bring this over to this thread.
--- Quote ---Sorry! Hadn’t worked this one out before (about the breaking that rule) and look what happens! {EDIT IN: maybe this relates to memory: validation of ('What happens when you can't remember..? thread): Nic you sparked my memory here and 10 minutes later - wham - a load of similar stuff floods - memories of similar 'being late/waited for' instances where I was the 'bad girl'. Validation turns the memories around: not a bad girl! Bad parents! Nasty parents!}
--- End quote ---
I goofed when copying this over and ended up losing my mental wanderings - and, um, I think my brain has gone to bed without me. :lol: :roll: Ah, well. :wink:
Wildflower
Dawning:
Welcome :) . What helped me reconcile conflicting memories (OR lack of them possibly due to years of repression) AND heal my inner child was to go back to the places I grew up. Last year, with the aid of MapQuest and a rental car, I found the old houses/apartments where I grew up (only one was not there anymore) and I laid flowers at places that I remembered I remembered and then - wow- did I ever connect with my inner child. I found her waiting there for me at each place I went, including schools. I found myself in coffee shops in each city, remembering more and more and writing in my journal almost automatically. It was very empowering. I didn't tell anyone (except a confidant here) what I was planning. The trip back entailed a 16 hour plane ride. Once there, I made sure to have music with me that I remembered listening to in those days for the drive around. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself, for my life. In fact, there is one place - the first place I lived in the city I live now - that holds a lot of pain and confusion from when I was in my early twenties and acting out my anger and pain from childhood that was steadily bubbling to the surface. I still haven't visited that place yet but I am quite sure that when I am ready to visit, it will be as cathartic an experience as the other *sacred journeys* (I gave it a name) and the memories will surface. Now I can embrace the memories and embrace the person I was then. :D
--- Quote ---If your parents have N tendencies, are there ways they behave now that trigger feelings of voicelessness in you? If you can identify those behaviors and understand what’s going on, perhaps it will give you some clues as to what might have happened in your childhood, and help you validate your feelings and then deal with them.
--- End quote ---
Yes. So true. I always wondered where my life long stage fright came from. I tried to work it out in therapy for a long time and to no avail but this word, "voiceless" is spot on. This is the key.
--- Quote --- I don’t have children, so feel that I have to make those connections through my own memories.
--- End quote ---
Same here - my solution was to go back to my childhood homes. I think there are probably other ways to do it as well. Having children is probably a real eye-opener. *And* is probably the real reason my mother is so adamant about me not getting pregnant. :twisted:
--- Quote ---I have put boundaries around these memories.I can wait until I am in therapy or in a safe place.
--- End quote ---
Makes a lot of sense. I have tended almost all my life to go away somewhere "safe" and *stew* over things. Putting boundaries around memories sounds like a good idea now to aid in not staying in the past so much to the point of obsession. Thanks, Feline.
--- Quote ---For one thing, she can never, ever, ever, admit that she is wrong. Even now, if I confront her about her behaviour, she may “apologize,” but within a few minutes she will have come up with a justification, so every “apology” becomes: “I’m sorry (but I was right).”
--- End quote ---
And a true apology doesn't have a justification at the end. :x :x Most of my blood relatives communicate like this. When this happens, depending on who I am dealing with I might or might not say something. In the case of physical abuse being justified, my response is always the same - said directly to the perpetrator - "no child deserves to be slapped and hit" and I kept repeating this line as the apology with the "but" at the end was said over and over again. Finally, she said, "I will not talk to you again if you ever bring this up in the future." Bitch. But I stood up to her once. In that case, once is enough. And you know - talking about forgiveness - I forgave her and told her that but she doesn't feel that she has ever done anything wrong. She has probably never forgiven herself for a thing so I have to wonder if my words, "I forgive you" were even heard :?: More and more, I am thinking that forgiveness doesn't mean much unless one asks for it by words or actions. Asking for forgiveness and humbling oneself takes courage and integrity.
Thanks for reading and I hope I have helped a bit.
--- Quote ---I have something worth saying!)
--- End quote ---
So true, sjkravill. As one of the other thread is titled, VOICELESS NO MORE.
~Dawning.
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