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What if you can't remember much of your childhood?

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Anonymous:
Guest,

Your mom sounds majorly narcissistic. You aren't overreacting at all.

bunny

Wildflower:
Hi Guest,

Just another thought.  You say you can't remember anything before age 11, and you feel you've been robbed of 10 years of your life, and you were sent to boarding school at 12.

If you focus on these years and what it must have felt like to be there during that transition, maybe you could expand backwards (and forwards) from that time in your life.

Do you have a strategy for bringing up your childhood memories that reduces some of the anxiety caused by those scary feelings?  I have a method that helps me feel less panicked, but I wondered if you had one, too.

Take care,
Wildflower

rosencrantz:
Just a thought from the other side of the fence!

When I don't 'listen' to my son, it's because I'm worried about what's going to come up in the context of my own 'perceived' inadequacies.  If he's frightened of the dark, I can't admit that I'm frightened, too - I'm an adult and I have to instil confidence in him, otherwise I've failed. (!)  :shock:
 
Ostrich, head, sand???

What's really puzzled me about how I've reacted to my child  is 'why'  when, by contrast, I spend my life 'dragging the truth' out of adults (myself included)!!!!!  

But then a child is not an adult.

'Of course, you're not frightened' = "I don't want you to be frightened and if you insist you're frightened I'm going to get angry because I haven't had more than two consecutive hours' sleep for the past six years and I am desperate.  It's 1am and being frightened of the dark is too big an issue to deal with right now.  My needs are (finally) more important than yours but I think you're old enough to hack it - and if you're not, well, I'm going to collapse under the strain anyway and then I won't be able to look after you at all!  So it's time to bite the bullet. Go back to bed."

I look back and see that from my son's point of view and I'm wracked with guilt; I'm an N!  I see it from my own point of view and I begin to see that I'm a human being with my own 'needs' dealing with a son whose own needs, ironically, have always been diametrically opposed to my own.

But sometimes I don't listen to my son 'just' cos I've got a deadline of some kind or I'm preoccupied with some adult issue like making sure the meal is on the table in time for him to go and play with his friend. Or being at the bus stop in time for library storytelling hour.

It's almost impossible to 'live a life' and be constantly tuned in to a child - and once you stop tuning in, you lose the knack.  Children are often 'objects' to be moved around because ultimately they aren't in a position to make their own life choices, they have to live their life in the context of their parents' lives.  

It's also difficult as a parent to know WHEN the crucial times are to listen to a child.  We don't read minds.  But particular moments will be etched in our children's minds and we will forever be oblivious to the fact that it was an life-altering moment for that child.  Most of the time, parents are just getting on with 'organising' lives rather than 'being' what our children hope we will be.

And so, when the (adult) child is feeling vulnerable - and it still feels like the parent is the one who holds all the cards for our emotional well-being and could cut us off at the knees so easily - then we don't make our parents sit down and KNOW that this is the time to think and feel and acknowledge and care.  But perhaps the parent is then too horrified at what they might have to reveal (to themselves as well as to the child).  

Supposing the hoped for 'of course I love you' turned out to be 'you were an inconvenience'.  Then what?  Do our mothers want to burn the effigy of 'good mother' (unlikely - they're hoping we still haven't found them out!!!) (Un/fortunately, my son found me out a long time ago!  :wink: )

If you want answers, I think you have to be very brave and very strong and consistently ask for times to talk about the past, set our your wares - explain how much you want to understand and then not feel devastated at sighs and rolling eyes and blame.

As I once said here (in my ACON role) 'my pain gets heard, too'!!!  But you've got to be very, very determined in your own mind before you can begin to make yourself heard.  And are you prepared for the pain the answers might bring?

And can you ask the questions behind the questions? (ie the question(s) that you really want to ask???)  Not about her mothering abilities, not about your fear - but about what love means to you and what love means to her and how it gets expressed.

Hmmm - that was one of those 'channelling' moments - it might be useful, but if not, please ignore!!!

Hugs
R

Anonymous:
Wow, R, how did you know?? After my last post I was shaking – tried to calm down and moved right into a major attack of doubt and guilt – that I’m twisting everything to make her sound worse than she is, that I was just a timid child and I’m blaming her for that, and why am I gnawing at all this stuff years later when I can’t change the past and really the only point here is to live a full and satisfying life and I’m free to do that anyway? Guilt, guilt, guilt!

Then you come along like a fresh breeze and speak the truth, as a mother, which is somewhere in the middle – yes, she probably ignored my needs, but no, she didn’t do it intentionally or maliciously, because she was just getting through her own life, which wasn’t all that great.  It really helped me get centered again, so thanks. I’ll probably have to go back to that shaky place again, but I think it will help me if I can try to hang on to the middle ground at the same time.  


--- Quote ---If you want answers, I think you have to be very brave and very strong and consistently ask for times to talk about the past, set our your wares - explain how much you want to understand and then not feel devastated at sighs and rolling eyes and blame.

As I once said here (in my ACON role) 'my pain gets heard, too'!!! But you've got to be very, very determined in your own mind before you can begin to make yourself heard.  
--- End quote ---


Yes, you’re quite right that if I want answers, I have to ask very clearly and strongly for time to talk about this stuff, and be prepared for rejection.  In fact, I’m very aware that NOT asking clearly is a family tradition – everyone was supposed to know everyone else’s needs and feelings without asking or being told.


--- Quote ---And are you prepared for the pain the answers might bring?
--- End quote ---


I have to think about that one, but what I expect is denial, so honesty might be a relief.


--- Quote ---And can you ask the questions behind the questions? (ie the question(s) that you really want to ask???) Not about her mothering abilities, not about your fear - but about what love means to you and what love means to her and how it gets expressed.
--- End quote ---


I think I do know something about what love means to her – it means an absence of boundaries, especially within the family. Intellectually she seems able to grasp the idea that, for example, you can’t read people’s minds, but emotionally she doesn’t get it.  A couple of years ago she was complaining to me that she had phoned up her sister and said she’d like to come over to visit the next afternoon, and her sister had said that wasn’t a good time because she was having guests over for tea.  My mother said she felt really hurt. So I said, “Why do you feel hurt? All she said was, it wasn’t a good time for you to come because she’s having other guests.” And she said, “But I’m not a guest, I’m family. I should be able to go and help her serve the tea.” I tried to get her to see that just because you were family, it didn’t mean you should automatically be welcome 24 hours a day, but she didn’t get it.  Maybe I need to try tackling the boundary issue again.  


--- Quote ---Your mom sounds majorly narcissistic. You aren't overreacting at all.
--- End quote ---

Bunny, thanks for the support. Yeah, I think she is. Just have to remember she didn’t do these things to hurt me, but because she was in pain herself.  


--- Quote ---Whenever my mom burned the popcorn (or anything else for that matter - cooking not being her forte   ), she'd say, "I like it that way." Pretty cool response, huh? Well, actually, maybe...but for her, it was a way of shrugging off responsibility (instead of saying maybe I'll try to make better popcorn instead of always eating this burnt stuff  - sorry, just realized how sadly funny that is). It may be that your mom was being honest with you and herself, but the "cheerily" and "incomprehension" bits gave me the impression that this was a defensive stance, as opposed to an acknowledging and accepting one.
--- End quote ---



--- Quote ---I hope you're feeling okay.
--- End quote ---


Thanks, Wildflower. The kind of denial tactic your mom used sounds very familiar to me (and sadly funny is a perfect description of it). I do feel that the “admitting she’s not perfect” is defensive, not really accepting. It’s like, “I know I’m not perfect, so you don’t have to say it, in fact, kindly DON’T say it, in fact, it would be really MEAN of you to say it because I’ve already SAID I’m not perfect!”


--- Quote ---Are there any other examples in your current life where you stay where you are because you’re afraid that, if you leave for a minute, things will change dramatically? Or people will leave? Or you’ll lose something?

If you could go back and find the voice of that kid watching the divorce, what would you have asked for or wanted?

Do you have a strategy for bringing up your childhood memories that reduces some of the anxiety caused by those scary feelings? I have a method that helps me feel less panicked, but I wondered if you had one, too.
--- End quote ---


I’m still thinking about your good questions and suggestions in your last couple of posts. Please tell me about your method for bringing up memories with less anxiety -- I don't have a strategy, and it would be really helpful.

Got a big work project coming up so I may not be back here so often for a while. I'll try to drop in to other threads. Thanks again, everyone.

Guest

Wildflower:
Hi Guest,

Before confronting your parents with questions, I’d just like to suggest that you get yourself as firmly planted as possible – because if your mom’s anything like my parents, one answer from her may have you spinning back into self-doubt.  Put differently, I’d be less worried about finally getting an honest (though painful) answer from her than I would about getting a response that brings my newly found understanding of the world to its knees.  You know what I mean?

So…coping with raw, unresolved childhood memories – as safely as possible.  Gonna have to take you down straight-jacket lane to explain my split-personality strategy, so buckle up.   :wink:  :lol: :D

What if you could go back in time and be a fly on the wall and watch what was going on during your childhood? That’d be great, wouldn’t it?  You’d know exactly what happened, who was right, who was wrong.  Too bad it’s impossible.

But what if you could go back in time and be the adult you are now and ask the child you were then what was going on?  Well, you can’t go back in time, but I believe that anything we don’t resolve as children stays with us into adulthood – to be dealt with when we are ready.  So bring that child into the present and give her someone to talk to (you) who is finally capable of giving her unconditional love (and whatever else she needs).

By giving that child unconditional love, and by giving her the time to express herself, and by asking the questions no one cared to ask, you’re setting up a safe place to explore her feelings.  In the end, your feelings.  

Let her be immature – because she is.  Ask her what happened.  Allow her to respond in childish ways.  Give her a chance to tell her story without being shot down or rejected or ignored.  Listen until her tears are dry and her story is finished.  Allow her to feel the way she feels.  No matter what.

For example, it’s okay (albeit horrible and scary and disorienting) for that little girl to say your mom’s a monster.  You may have to allow her to think your mom's a monster in order to get at WHY she thinks she's a monster. And you don’t have to interrupt that child’s story by reminding her what you know as an adult – that parenting is difficult and that parent’s have needs too.  Not unless it’s part of helping her heal and see that it wasn’t personal or intentional.  {EDIT: Not suggesting your mom's a monster.  It's just one of the harder things to imagine sometimes, so I thought I'd used it as an example.}

And be assured that you, the adult, will be mature again once it’s time to go back out into the world.

In addition to thinking in terms of unconditional love, I find it helpful to pull in one of the Four Agreements here and assume nothing (at first) about this child brought up into the present.  It helps me forget what I’ve been told about myself and really listen to her.  Of course, if you decide this strategy isn’t too looney and you actually want to use it, you’ll probably want to make sure you have a couple of hours to yourself in a safe place before trying this.  She might have a lot to say. :wink:  :D

Well, that’s my strategy – and it has allowed me to put some memories to rest while recovering others.  Don’t know if it’ll be helpful to you – or whether you’ll turn me over to the state mental hospital  :wink: – but there it is.  Actually, there's probably some explanation of this process in some textbook somewhere - or maybe it's one of those things that's so obvious that everyone knows about it and just doesn't talk about it.  So if that's the case, sorry to be so thick. :wink:

Take care and good luck,
Wildflower

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