Sex education Nmum style

[Hopalong]

And what if a mother lovingly validated and affirmed you as you approached womanhood?

Amazing notion...

Hops

[JanetLG]

Hops,

Oh, wow! Wouldn't that have made a difference?! I've seen those books for mothers to give to their daughters, and for pre-teens to work through together, to celebrate life changes. I always think they're wonderful things, and wonder what motivated the authors to write those. A good experience when they were around 10, or...?

I had a friend when I was about 12, who, when she started her periods, her father took her out to dinner, and her mother gave her a huge bunch of flowers! I thought that was lovely.

Janet

[tayana]

This is a topic that always makes me angry.  My mom never talked to me about any of this, never.  When I was about 12, she bought me book and said I could ask questions.  When I tried to ask questions, then she got mad and huffy because I asked questions. 

On the subject of first bras, I remember that my neighbor had given me some bras that her daughter had outgrown, training bras.  I wasn't allowed to wear them.  They were put in the drawer until I was "ready."  I was pretty much flat chested.  All the kids at school were wearing them, and I wanted to too, so I got them out and started wearing them.  My mom had a fit because I did that.

When I started my period, I was too embarassed to say anything, because we hadn't really talked about it.  There were two pads in the house and tampons.  Then my mom got mad because I hadn't said anything, and she would get huffy whenever she had to buy me pads.  She kept pressuring me to use tampons, but I have never been able to wear them.

As for the topic of sex itself, it was never, ever discussed.  Topics of sexuality were taboo in my house.  We didn't mention those.  My mother never talked about birth control with me.  She never talked about dating.  She never talked about relationships, mostly because all of her relationships sucked. 

When I got pregnant, she said, "What about all that birth control we talked about?"

First of all, we never talked about birth control.  Secondly, we never talked about sex.  My sex education came from books, porn magazines, and the few friends who weren't embarassed to talk about it.  I knew how things worked, but I wasn't strong enough to stand up to my boyfriend when he pressured me for sex. 

Janet, I've read about parents who celebrate their children's budding sexuality, and that's what I want to do for M.  I know it might be kind of hokey, since he's a boy, but still, I think it's important to do that.  We haven't sat down and had the big sex talk yet, but we've had little ones.  I had gotten him a book so that he could read and ask questions, but we were still with my parents then, and my mother disapproved greatly.

Now, if I could just get him off the whole, "that's the way girls do things" stage he's going through, we'll be in good shape.

[JanetLG]

Tayana,

I think that's a great idea 'even though' he's a boy. If only more parents were like you...

Janet

[spyralle]

I validated and affirmed..  When K started her periods we had a welcome to womanhood party....  it was such an awful time for me, that I was determined she would not go through the same.  We discussed tampons and towels and condoms and stds..  We explored the good the bad and the ugly...  When I was young I was so naive...  The awful drama of when I first used a tampon with no one to ask how still haunts me... sex was evil.. periods were an illness and yet my mother was very overtly sexual in see through blouses and sunbathing openly in black underwear with red fringes...  I was completely confused..  My therapist talked to me a lot about double bind theory or paradoxical communication:

'In a relationship where an individual is dependent on another or other for physical and emotional survival, the effect of paradoxical communication is devastating'.. 

My mother was a prime example

Spyralle x

[finding peace]

Hi Spyralle -

I am so sorry you had a mother like that - I had a pretty bad tampon fiasco as well.  I too make it a point to be as age-appropriately honest to my daughter as I can when she asks questions.  Sometimes I think that the only good that can be said about mothers like these is that they teach us how not to raise our children!

Janet -

You are right, it was a major incident.  I do remember the excitement about getting my first bra, how all my friends were talking about it, how everyone was envious of those who got one, and those who were lucky enough stood tall and pointed to their bra straps showing through their shirts.  It was a coming of age moment - that was once again destroyed by my mother.

Although in some ways, in my life, it was a minor compared to the other stuff that went on.  Because of this, I sometimes fall back into assuming that everyone had mothers like this - and that it was all just a part of life.  I think it may be another layer of denial - I am having a tough time accepting that no, not everyone had mothers like this.

Thanks so much for noting this and the validation.

I am so sorry you too had a mother like this - they always found a way to make the most innocent of moments into a negative didn't they?

Peace

[isittoolate]

no education here either.

I wet the bed so I had to sleep with my mother, as the 3 sisters kicked me out of the sisters' room--didn't get in there until about age 14.

..........Except I always figured when something was up, so would sneak in and snoop when I had a chance.

I found the kotex pamphlet and the Kotex and put 2+2 together but got 5 at first.

I also found the True Confessions magazines and thought those stories were true. So naive.

Then at 15 I finally had a chest and my period arrived. I said to mom, "I've got my period now, in case you're interested." She answered with"Good! Now we know nothing is wrong!" Sheesh!

Got sex education from my two older sisters who heard it from eldest sister's friend's Aunt--Well it was scrambled when it reached me, at AGE 5

Then at 17 I was in the big city working and more sex eduucation from the movies---when a couple fell in love, or not, but were 'getting it on"--the camera suddenly panned to a fireplace or the moon or a rainy window.--Sure told me a lot!

Izzy