Author Topic: been gone a long time  (Read 2195 times)

towrite

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been gone a long time
« on: August 06, 2007, 06:59:37 PM »
 I don't know how to start - I am as down as I was the last time I posted. I blew up at my N mother last week, and she's now not speaking to me. But then I'm not speaking to her either. Here's the story, if you want to hear it:  She rented a house in the mtns for a week; she invited a friend but I was not allowed to; my brother came and brought his two youngest kids. I spent quite a bit of money to bring some goodies to eat, which rotted in the fridge. The whole time my mother said, "Oh, your poor brother! He has so much on him." Over and over. I got sick of it but said nothing. It was obvious - no, blatant - that his younger son, 13, is severely emotionally disturbed. He cannot tolerate reality and lives in fantasy. He eats only sweets. He is so thin it breaks my heart. My brother does not have custody. I've seen this child's illness coming for a long time (he lives with his impossibly insane N mother in another town). I have tried to talk to my brother about getting some help for the child, but my brother's response was always, "I don't have custody; there's nothing I can do." Mother's invited guest, who is a good person and smart, brought it up (she had noticed it immediately) and has a handicapped grandchild. We discussed it, the three of us, and I told them the response I had gotten from my brother since 2001 about this child. Mother's friend said several times that I was the only one able to get a smile out of him. I have a doctorate in special needs education. Anyway, mother's friend finally convinced mother she had to talk to my brother about this boy. So she did. And she came back angry with me b/c I had told her what his response to me had been. She said he was just as worried about the boy as the rest of us. And I had no call saying he would do nothing. My brother - gotta love calling him that 'cuz he knows nothing about being a brother - It's just a biological fact, a blood fact - asked for the phone number of the daughter of mother's friend who has a handicapped child. Said he was going to talk to her. Did he ask his sister who has an advanced degree in this field?? Hell, no.

Anyway, mother told everyone she would "have to provide the money" for the child to get treatment. I applauded that and said I was happy to do anything I could for the child.

The next day I got a call telling me the owner of my house - with whom I had an informal lease/purchase agreement - was going to sell the house and land to a developer. I was distraught, overwrought, scared as the devil. When I told my mother of the call, all she said was, "Good luck."  (She didn't say it sarcastically.) I left early b/c I was so upset about my house. The night before I left, we all sat down to supper. One of the dishes was corn on the cob - silver queen - which I had brought a dozen ears of for the week. Imagine my surprise when mother told everyone at the table to "Thank Miss Betty" for the corn, and wasn't it delicious! I asked, shocked, what had happened to all the ears of corn I'd brought. Mother just looked at the floor and said she'd forgotten it was there.

Yes, yes, I made several snide comments after that - "Let me pass you some of this sweet corn from Miss Betty and won't you have another ear of this delicious corn from Miss Betty".  After about 3 of my comments, mother looked at me and said, "I've heard enough about the corn from you."  It was as though all the anger I'd ever had at her came raging out in a torrent. If looks could have burned the house down, my stare at her would have done it. I said right back to her, "And I've had enough about you treating me as thought I were invisible."  'Course the whole table went silent. Mother never said another word. Next morning I thanked her for the opportunity in the mtns and left.

Now I am house hunting - and applying for jobs all over the place. The glass ceiling (age) has never been more apparent to me in looking for a job. My best friend had called me weeks ago that she wanted to sell her house and buy another - with me as her realtor. Now she's vacillating --- while I run out of money. Real estate isn't for me. I love it, I'm good at it, but no one wants me. I can't do this forever without some income. I applied at Lowe's and was turned down!! 

It became clear to me after I came home that I must "divorce" my mother. I had always thought I could be myself and just keep that part of my life away from her. This weekend I realized that was a farce - the people I grew up with have no idea who I really am, and I had no idea til two days ago that with them I am terrified they will "tell my mother" - tell her what?! I dunno, but it has stopped me from being who I am with them and from doing what I want. No more. I'm sure, after the mtns. episode, she will write me out of her will --- and I've decided I have to let it go. I've hung on for years, believing that it was my just desserts to paly the part and reap the rewards. I had no idea how much it was killing my spirit.

Always, after taking a stand, I have a guilt attack. That's part of why I'm so down. Is it possible for one person to COMPLETELY ruin their own life?? 

Oh, and did I tell you she wrote me a letter when I moved back to my hometown that if I "embarrassed her in ANY way, she would write me out of her will"?  With her, who knows the definition of "ANY way"????
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

Lupita

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2007, 07:08:25 PM »
Towrite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry you are having problems. We love you here and will pray for you.

Do not let your mother manipulate you with moods. My mother has done that to me all my life. Until recently, when I do not give a s*t anymore about her "crocodile teardrops".

Welecome back!!!!!

towrite

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2007, 07:09:57 PM »
Thanks, Lup - I was always so scared of her money and being without it. Now I feel I'm on rock bottom and have no where lower to fall.
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

Lupita

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2007, 07:13:30 PM »
In one of my threads, Ami told me that I was thinking that a bad family was better than no family at all. You might consider the possibility to analyze that. I came to live in this beautiful country, 2000 miles away from my family. Sometimes family is not of help but damaging. We will be praying for you.

Love to you. God bless you.

Certain Hope

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2007, 07:44:02 PM »
Dear Towrite,

I'd rather be flat broke and flip burgers than deal with all that.

(((((((((Towrite)))))))) I hope you'll keep posting and gather all the positive encouragement and strength that's offered here to help you onward to a new life!

Love,
Hope

Ami

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2007, 07:54:09 PM »
Dear towrite,
   I look  forward to getting to know you better. You took a HUGE step to not be manipulated by the money. It was really, really big.
  The N mother is just a horrible thing .,Do you know the saying of the gift that keeps on giving--. Well, the N mother is the curse that keeps on giving.
   It is pain,pain and more pain.
   Towrite, I am really glad that you are back. Look at my thread on guilt.                       Love  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2007, 08:09:06 PM »
(((((ToWrite))))

You spoke the truth when you got angry.
You've just absorbed too much hurt and it spilled over.
Good for you for that honesty.

I am very sorry your mother can't appreciate you.

We do.
Keep on posting, hon.

with love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

finding peace

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2007, 08:17:54 PM »
Towrite - I am so glad you posted.  I know we haven't really "met" (well - as much as you can meet on a thread), but I was just thinking about you this morning and was wondering how you were - I was worried.

Your story is hauntingly familiar.  My final fight with my mother was not over "corn," it was over "furniture" of all things.  But, like you, it really didn't have anything to do with what was going on in that moment, it was about a longstanding pattern of treatment and I had had it.  I too came to the realization that they had no clue who I was, and I was tired, so tired of trying to fight it (nothing I could do or say would ever change it). 

I ended up going NC.  It was not easy, but I have to say life has gotten so much more peaceful than I ever thought it could be.  Still have hard moments, but they are getting more and more infrequent.

Money was not an issue (my F made and lost several fortunes - with more on the lost side), but she has a lot of family heirlooms that date back to the 1700's.  Those were really hard to let go of - it wasn't just for me, but it is my daughters' history as well.  But bottom line, for me, it came down to peace vs. heirlooms.  Peace won (but it was really, really hard to walk away from that history).

Hang in there - I know how hard it can be.

Again, so glad that you posted.  ((((towrite))))

Peace
- Life is a journey not a destination

WRITE

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2007, 08:37:35 PM »
Welcome back!
Sorry you've been having a tough time. Family holidays can be the worst....

she wrote me a letter when I moved back to my hometown that if I "embarrassed her in ANY way, she would write me out of her will"?  With her, who knows the definition of "ANY way"????

I wouldn't worry too much about that, it's a control thing. My guess is if she'll write you out she'll do it whatever reason she comes up with if she has a mind to.

Families are systems, and yours sounds pretty mixed-up.

I've hung on for years, believing that it was my just desserts to paly the part and reap the rewards. I had no idea how much it was killing my spirit.

yes, it's very disempowering isn't it, which is why people do it I guess, when they want everyone around them to be subservient or needy or dependent.

The thing is your honesty also frees them, or that's been my family experience.

Not that we can heal them or anything, but I think if I hadn't pointed out the emeror has no clothes in my teens we would all have had a different time of it, and though it's made me unpopular and blamed and even got me hit- I don't regret a single bit of my outspokenness. Which has been easier in a way too because it's happened when I've been manic or drunk and not cared about what the outcome was for me.

Don't panic, something will come up for work and income, keep telling yourself "I can do this' and all kinds of other positive things.

You will come out the other side, you'll see. You are in my prayers tonight.

Love
~Write

lighter

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2007, 11:00:08 PM »
Ohhhh.... (((towrite)))

I'm so glad you're back. 

mudpuppy

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #10 on: August 07, 2007, 12:01:40 PM »
Quote
I've hung on for years, believing that it was my just desserts to paly the part and reap the rewards. I had no idea how much it was killing my spirit.


For what is a man [or woman] profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

Take your soul back and let her know just how little of true worth money buys. It doesn't buy a daughter.

mud

teartracks

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Re: been gone a long time
« Reply #11 on: August 07, 2007, 12:28:59 PM »


Hi towrite,

I'm glad you're back.  Glad for the decisions you're making concerning taking back what was rightfully yours from the start, your self-ness

Getting their hands on the soul of another, either by pure invasive power (especially the souls of their children), bribing, power grabbing, fast talking, manipulation, stealth, or unadulterated deceit is the favorite currency (they think it is a proper currency, when in fact, it is a feeling of entitlement to your being) of a narcissist.  It's their way of absconding with the soul of another for their purpose and theirs alone.   

tt