I don't know how to start - I am as down as I was the last time I posted. I blew up at my N mother last week, and she's now not speaking to me. But then I'm not speaking to her either. Here's the story, if you want to hear it: She rented a house in the mtns for a week; she invited a friend but I was not allowed to; my brother came and brought his two youngest kids. I spent quite a bit of money to bring some goodies to eat, which rotted in the fridge. The whole time my mother said, "Oh, your poor brother! He has so much on him." Over and over. I got sick of it but said nothing. It was obvious - no, blatant - that his younger son, 13, is severely emotionally disturbed. He cannot tolerate reality and lives in fantasy. He eats only sweets. He is so thin it breaks my heart. My brother does not have custody. I've seen this child's illness coming for a long time (he lives with his impossibly insane N mother in another town). I have tried to talk to my brother about getting some help for the child, but my brother's response was always, "I don't have custody; there's nothing I can do." Mother's invited guest, who is a good person and smart, brought it up (she had noticed it immediately) and has a handicapped grandchild. We discussed it, the three of us, and I told them the response I had gotten from my brother since 2001 about this child. Mother's friend said several times that I was the only one able to get a smile out of him. I have a doctorate in special needs education. Anyway, mother's friend finally convinced mother she had to talk to my brother about this boy. So she did. And she came back angry with me b/c I had told her what his response to me had been. She said he was just as worried about the boy as the rest of us. And I had no call saying he would do nothing. My brother - gotta love calling him that 'cuz he knows nothing about being a brother - It's just a biological fact, a blood fact - asked for the phone number of the daughter of mother's friend who has a handicapped child. Said he was going to talk to her. Did he ask his sister who has an advanced degree in this field?? Hell, no.
Anyway, mother told everyone she would "have to provide the money" for the child to get treatment. I applauded that and said I was happy to do anything I could for the child.
The next day I got a call telling me the owner of my house - with whom I had an informal lease/purchase agreement - was going to sell the house and land to a developer. I was distraught, overwrought, scared as the devil. When I told my mother of the call, all she said was, "Good luck." (She didn't say it sarcastically.) I left early b/c I was so upset about my house. The night before I left, we all sat down to supper. One of the dishes was corn on the cob - silver queen - which I had brought a dozen ears of for the week. Imagine my surprise when mother told everyone at the table to "Thank Miss Betty" for the corn, and wasn't it delicious! I asked, shocked, what had happened to all the ears of corn I'd brought. Mother just looked at the floor and said she'd forgotten it was there.
Yes, yes, I made several snide comments after that - "Let me pass you some of this sweet corn from Miss Betty and won't you have another ear of this delicious corn from Miss Betty". After about 3 of my comments, mother looked at me and said, "I've heard enough about the corn from you." It was as though all the anger I'd ever had at her came raging out in a torrent. If looks could have burned the house down, my stare at her would have done it. I said right back to her, "And I've had enough about you treating me as thought I were invisible." 'Course the whole table went silent. Mother never said another word. Next morning I thanked her for the opportunity in the mtns and left.
Now I am house hunting - and applying for jobs all over the place. The glass ceiling (age) has never been more apparent to me in looking for a job. My best friend had called me weeks ago that she wanted to sell her house and buy another - with me as her realtor. Now she's vacillating --- while I run out of money. Real estate isn't for me. I love it, I'm good at it, but no one wants me. I can't do this forever without some income. I applied at Lowe's and was turned down!!
It became clear to me after I came home that I must "divorce" my mother. I had always thought I could be myself and just keep that part of my life away from her. This weekend I realized that was a farce - the people I grew up with have no idea who I really am, and I had no idea til two days ago that with them I am terrified they will "tell my mother" - tell her what?! I dunno, but it has stopped me from being who I am with them and from doing what I want. No more. I'm sure, after the mtns. episode, she will write me out of her will --- and I've decided I have to let it go. I've hung on for years, believing that it was my just desserts to paly the part and reap the rewards. I had no idea how much it was killing my spirit.
Always, after taking a stand, I have a guilt attack. That's part of why I'm so down. Is it possible for one person to COMPLETELY ruin their own life??
Oh, and did I tell you she wrote me a letter when I moved back to my hometown that if I "embarrassed her in ANY way, she would write me out of her will"? With her, who knows the definition of "ANY way"????
