A part of that decision/desire revolves around my need to maintain a conscience I can live with for the long haul.
This is exactly what my oldest brother articulated during the 10 weeks we were struggling with my father and his hospitalization. I personally found it extremely theraputic and releasing. Before this, for years I have known that I didn't love (as in adore) my father but that I loved him out of a filial respect and obligation. That understanding was helpful but what you have articulated became from me a truly healing attitude during my father's revelatory, grave illness.
Interestingly, (to me) the torment endured during my father's hospitalization began cracking much of my frozen psychological comprehension concerning my mother. I don't know why it has taken my so long. It is not for want of trying and not for want of effort. One of the extraordinary changes however was that my oldest brother began to tell me that he saw that our mother had entrapped me. Because of our experience with our father he reached a revelation that our parents have used a divide and conquer technique with us that has split us apart all of our adult lives. Having reached this insight, he decided that he woul no longer participate in it and when my mother, again, tried to belittle me to him he simply refused and then called me as asked that work out a strategy to disentangle me from her.
Our relatively brief conversations about his revelation have been extraordinarily freeing. The action came from outside of myself but I am certain that the changes that I have made inside have allowed, if not the change by my brother, then at least my receptivity to his actions.
For several years I have been confused why I was still stuck by the wretched double binds put in place so long ago. I still don't have an answer but I also believe that I am moving towards psychological freedom and healing. In dark moments, when life seems to be much more akin to my struggles than the freedom I am aiming towards I fall back into a place of thankfulness. I simply immerse myself in a sense of thankfulness that I am healing and will see the fruits of it soon. This keeps me out of my comfort zone of anxiety and place of psychological chastisement. Even though my outer life looks the same as it did 3 months ago, my inner life has changed dramatically and I know that that is the order necessary for true, dramatic changes for my life.
I am sort of using a psychology akin to knowing the end of the story is something wonderful so that I can endure the passages of trauma and terror because I know the outcome is going to be okay. It really helps in dealing with the vissitudes and changes encountered in daily life.
I think that you need to do just what you are doing-- facing it and seeing HER as the problem--- not you. I am staring to do this. I guess that it is the next step in unwinding the thread.
You know, Ami, your post helped me see something - in the past when I have developed insights into my mother's behavior and her effects on me I have (strangely) fallen into a belief or attitude that, "Whew, OK, now I have figured that out so now we can go on an have a normal, healthy, positive mother-daughter mutually nurturing relationship." Well that will never happen - never has, never will. Something in your post helped me see that for the first time. It's not that I haven't
see some truths about our relationship much earlier but some very strange part of me expected my understanding to simply correct it all. How bizarre!! Now I'm in a place where I will apply a technique similar to what I have been using for my own understanding - identify the negative thought or emotion, call it "wrong" or "mistake" or something and replace it with something correct or positive. Now I can identify her behavior as simply "wrong" or "damaging" and immediately sidestep the actual or psychological effects.
I've heard of it countless times, but if you found some of it helpful, that's enough of a recommendation for me.
Cat's Paw - I had a hard time reading her book. I chose not to read any of her exercises - they felt very surfacy to me, sort of juvenile and not at all deep reaching, but some of her material that was helpful was in those areas. What did help was perhaps reading a book by someone with some knowledge who presented material in a way I had not encountered before. I found her organization to be wholly lacking and that made it difficult to find what I was looking for.
Something in me hates buying these books. They never hit the bullseye for me and they usually engender a desire, really a compulsion to enter into a dialogue which is not possible. But then again if there is some good that comes out of it then it seems worth it to me. Whatever it takes to get some healing from this wretchedness.
