CB

[debkor]

CB,

Awwwww,,  (((((Hugs)))))

Your going to be alright!!  You were always Alright.   Just and ending and endings can sometimes be sad and happy at the same time.
Your tired like you just been to a funeral.  Kind of was.  Your emotionally drained.   It's over. 
Cry your eyes out! 

Your going to be OK and life is going to be so good for you now!!

Hoppy don't forget me!!  I can't line dance but I sure would have a good time trying..  I dunno about dancing and eating pudding at the same time though.


Love
Deb

[JanetLG]

CB,

I'm so glad it's over for you. When you've had a rest, done some cleaning, eaten some pudding....you can start the rest of your life. I, too, don't see any reason for the feeling of humiliation, but these things are so confusing and traumatic, any emotion after all that lot is better than just sitting there stunned, I suppose!


Janet

[JanetLG]

CB,

 I think I understand your feeling of humiliation better, now. I've had that 'cog in the wheel' treatment, and it really hurts.

I'm sorry you've had that, but I hope things calm down for you now.

Janet

[Certain Hope]

Dear CB,

I remember the deep humiliation. It is the sense of having escaped the dungeon by crawling miles through a fetid sewer on hands and knees, and then exiting only to find a toll booth occupied by a dispassionate collector who demands exorbitant fees for the privilege of having used that stinking passageway. This is a most thorough and penetrating violation, and the soul screams for justice... all the while knowing that there is none... because there's no human being who could cover the cost of what was lost. It's priceless.
But then, so is freedom.
You did very, very well, CB.
God bless and keep you.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Holding you tight, ((((((((((((((((((((CB)))))))))))))))))))))))

There could be no winners in that courtroom, hon.
No vindication and pats on the back, no Perry Mason clarity.

Just another ugly mean-spirited Nmess, and the resolution is
only in the day by day dawning that your life has lost its falsity
and shame, and you will walk forward now.

It was the final step of a dirty job that had to be done.
It was like standing in a charnel-house of an O.R. after
life-saving surgery has taken place. The drama's over
and the room looks like death.

But you came through, dear. It's okay to be in the recovery
room where there's bruising and nausea and swelling for a
while.

(We doctors are all elated because you are so strong and we
know what's ahead for you...a long, strong, fulfilling life full
of adventure and learning and LOVE, TOO.)

I am so sorry for the lost years. You did fill them with some
wonderful children who grace the world. Nothing wasted,
but surely something worth grieving.

All my love and bottomless comfort to you, CB.

Hops

[Hopalong]

All pudding vats aside, I think some ritual of ending would be very healing for you and the kids.
It's both and ending and a beginning.

For you, grief over the marriage dream all young wives have being finally irretrievably over. With him.
And for you, celebration of the new freedom and peace that ending represents.

For the kids, grief of the lost dream of intact family every child holds tight. Letting the reality in.
And grief over a lost dream of a well, emotionally sound father every child needs.

And for all of you, what can bring you together in the moment, strength and commitment to each other that will carry you forward as a changed family, but still a strong family, from this day on.

What about if you asked each child to write:
I say farewell to: _________, _____________, _________
I say greeting to: __________, ___________, __________

And together, somewhere beautiful, burn the farewells, and let the ashes fly.
And plant the greetings in the ground with a lovely small tree.

Something. Anyway, ignore my propensity to write rituals for others just as I do dialogues.

All my love to all of you, your hurting heart, your kids hurting hearts and spinning heads.
I know it will be getting better.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I get the humiliation CB.  I think it is in part the vast trove of shame he put you through and the complete lack of validation throughout the entire legal proceding.  Standing before the judge just as you had stood before a preacher so many years ago - and a huge sense of powerlessness.  That judge, just like that man you married, had all the power, and in a whim could have changed your life dramatically.  That powerlessness  and vulnerability is humiliating.  I often think of how humiliating it is when a person falls.  they always jump up and say they are all right even when they aren't.  I have long thought about why - because to fall or be hurt is to be vulnerable and yesterday, just as in the years of your marriage you were vulnerable.  but no longer.

[Hopalong]

Waiting for the other shoe to drop will bore you soon, CB.

But who could blame you for expecting some punishment?

Not gonna happen. You have already survived more than any woman's ever due.

Getting all the documentation done will help too, I think. That's solid.

love
Hops

[lighter]

OH... ((((CB)))).

I'm so sorry there's so much pain in the end.

I'd like to propose a toast though....

Here's to better days with more clarity, calm and focus.

You're one my heros, ya know?

[changing]

Hops- You are an eloquent, poetic, and impossiibly insightful creature.Your posts are a wonderful melange of the practical and the ethereal, truth, dignity, hope and fun. Thank you for your kindness and dedication to your friends on this board.

CB- You have been strong and done the best possible. It breaks my heart to read about your sad experience. But you are free now CB! Wish I could make you some icy lemonade and cookies, and you could loll on the porch swing and forget about everything!

Hugs to you,

Changing

[lighter]

Wish I could make you some icy lemonade and cookies, and you could loll on the porch swing and forget about everything!

::sliding onto swing::

I want some icy lemonade and cookies on the porch too, lol! 

[lighter]

Hey CB.....

::whispering::

I'm getting my first temp hearing next week.

::whispering::

I think my D started about the same time yours did

Hope you're feeling better.

[finding peace]

Hi CB,

Sounds PTSDish to me and I am not surprised after everything you have been through over such a long period of time. 

Ater moving out of my father's house, it was the same for me.

It takes time, but it does get so much better.

((((Hugs to you))))   

Peace

[Hopalong]

Changing,
Your post made me feel so deeply appreciated I couldn't answer you at first.
Just...thank you.

It is really stunning how generous people can be here. What a deep response people offer to the effort, the best we got, etc.

IRL so often, at least in N families, all the good and kind and effortful seems invisible or taken for granted. There's always an N who will zero in on the flaw, the sin, the inconsistency, the vulnerable point, and bear down.

What a difference to be seen in light.

with love, and thanks,
Hops