Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

hello

(1/2) > >>

pandora:
Hi,

Haven't posted for a while.

Just thought I'd check in.  The past month has been a busy time for me as I started the ball rolling on divorce proceedings, hired a lawyer, the whole bit.  

Then just to add a bit of extra drama, my H, who was traveling abroad, returned unexpectedly and without warning a few days ago.  I have yet to see him or speak to him, although we have had email contact.  He knows that I am filing for divorce, and the process is in motion.

So I have not been home since I heard that he was back, and am basically shuttling myself between friends houses while things settle down.  I am trying to get the legal ball rolling, but I know he may need some adjustment time.  

I feel bad for him, since he has been quite upset, and I did what I could to let his family and some friends know that he needed help.  I don't like to think of him in pain, especially if I caused it, but I really can't do anything else at this point.

I think I am holding up pretty well considering.  He has sent me some messages trying to explain how I misunderstood some of the things he did, and justifying his dishonesty, but I am really not interested in explanations at this point.  

He wants to meet one last time with our marriage counselor so that he can have his say.  I have agreed to this, although I am apprehensive about it.  I don't want to end up being subjected to either his agonizing or rationalization of his behavior, and am afraid he may attack me.  And I have nothing to say to him, I stated my feelings and reasons pretty clearly when I told him I was divorcing him.  But on the other hand I do feel I might owe him this.  What do you think?

Taking it one day at a time!

Anonymous:
Pandora,
you don't owe him anything!
You have listened to him enough. The man made his own bed.  
He wants to be heard, but he doesn't care to hear you.
It sounds like he would either attack you or play more manipulative games to try to win you back. Neither of which sound very appealing.  

Continue to be strong and take care of yourself.

sjkravill:
Hey Pandora,
      It is good to see you back.  I know you've been on vacation.  I am glad for your having got some time away!  Sorry N had to come home early and throw things off even more!!!  I have been hoping that things are going well in the midst of all of this.  It sounds like in your time away from N you have gained an immense amount of strength, validation  and clarity about the situation.  
      Well, I think on the issue of counseling, I would think it wisest to pay attention to your gut.  You think he might be manipulative?  Will it happen again?  Again and again!  How may times? A thousand times!
One thing that has been very hard for me to learn, because like you, I feel very compassionate toward my H, is this:  When I give more than I can, I enable him to take more than he deserves.  If I want him to "get better" (even if it is not in my tenure as his wife) then I will set strict limits and stick to my guns.  He may still never "get better,"  but that is about him.  Guilt and manipulation  is something Ns are well versed in.  Perhaps it's best not to give them the chance.  
      I am sure he really does feel badly about what is happening.  Who knows he may even feel remorse.  But, he can talk about it with his own counselor.  You don't have to be punished by it anymore.  Even on the off chance that he is "better" or "healed"  it may be too late for him to have it with you.  He will have your setting a limit to thank for it, but if he gets your attention again, he will not believe that you have limits.  He might relapse into hideous disrespect once again.  In anycase, through classic conditioning, you have learned that he cannot be trusted. Any amount of lying, manipulating, guilt triping, whatever... will reinforce all of the horrible messages he has given you that have hurt you so badly.  I guess, the advice that has been given to me... (that I cannot yet take)  Is that you may have to call your own self-preservation your success.  Let someone else (like a counselor) worry about him.  Let hime worry about himself.
     My therapist told me that if I separated from my N, he would be like a whale in a wave pool.  Pitching a fit is how the little boy learned to get his way. If you give it to him, he will learn more of that. Compassion means setting boundries.  The even harder thing for me is, my need to placate him is about me feeling like a "good wife."  I care more about my self-image than I did about his ultimate well being. Of course, if we are told all of our lives that this is what a good wife/person does, it is a very confusing notion to learn that actually a good wife says NO, and allows her H to feel pain.   His pain is of his own creation.  He is suffering consequences of his actions. That is the way it works when wives don't protect their husbands from the consequences of their own actions.  
      Well, Pandora, I am glad to hear you are surrounded by friends, and holding up.  It is a victory for you, to be getting out. Keep taking care of yourself.  
Best, Sjkravill

pandora:
Well, I am going to go through with this one-time meeting.  I figure that I have to see him again sometime, and the therapists office is as safe a place as any.

He is giving me the hard sell - sent me a 10 page letter full of explanations of how I misinterpreted his actions, how much he loves me, how he promises to change, etc.  It is tempting to believe that this is possible, but I know it is not.  He hasn't talked to me, but he has called up many of our mutual friends to cry about how upset he is and how I have misjudged him.  

You are right, skravill - he feels sincere pain and remorse now, but it is only because now he has to deal with the negative consequences of how he acted.  When I was suffering and appealing to him for one scrap of affection, he turned away from me, was very cold, and did not seem to care at all whether our marriage lasted or not.  

He wants me to back off on divorce proceedings, scrap my lawyer, and agree to a 4 month separation in which we continue to get joint counseling.  He wants me to come back and live in our house with him, while he stays in the basement.  NO WAY IN HELL.  I would have to be insane to agree to any of this.  

Maybe at least going to this last session with him will make it clear that my only interest is getting a divorce as quickly as possible.  I already told the therapist that reconciliation is impossible, as I could never trust him again.  

What a fricking soap opera!

But the truth is I am happier living in my friends spare bedroom out of a suitcase that I have been in months!  The idea of going back to him makes me feel like shooting myself - I think that is pretty meaningful!  And I think my dad would have me put in a mental hospital if I were nuts enough to go back!  

Pandora

Anonymous:
Pandora,

You don't owe him anything. And the therapy session may be a good place for him to hear that it's over.

bunny

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page