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Anonymous:
Hi Pandora,
It sounds like you have an amazing amount of clarity and strength about this.  I am so glad you aren't second guessing yourself.  
Good luck in the last counseling session.  I really hope he "gets" that its over and leaves you alone.  
This is just a question to think about...  When you say you fear he will attack you... and when you say counseling will be as safe a place as any...
Do you have even the smallest inkling that he might also become physically violent?
I hope the answer is no.  But if it is yes, for at least the short term maybe you could get someone to go with you to places where he knows you'll be.

pandora:
Hi,

Thanks for the support, guys.

The meeting was strange, but not as uncomfortable as I feared.  He seemed very calm and also remorseful, and for the first time was honest and took responsibility for how he had damaged our marriage.  

I still think that these feelings, while sincere, are brought on by the fact that now his damaging choices and behavior have come back to bite him.  

I made it clear that I had no desire to get back together and I want a divorce.  He seemed to accept that.  He also seems, at least for now, to be taking a reasonable attitude toward division of our assets, although I am very mistrustful of him in this area.  

It still would not surprise me if he turns on me eventually, but at least this intial meeting was not too horrible.  I am not afraid so much of a physical attack (although I sometimes feel he is so unpredictable that he could act up this way, in spite of no history of it) but I do fear being subjected to verbal abuse and intimidation.   While the idea of seeing him is not as scary now as it was, I am still going to try and avoid being with him alone, I'll either take a friend or meet him in a public place.  

He is calling my parents and other friends - maybe just to share his sorrow, but I still can be really cynical about his motives.  If he is true to form, he will eventually become very angry with me and be vindictive.  But we are not there yet.  

One day at a time!
 Pandora

Karin:
Hi Pandora,
It's great to see you so strong and determined.
I had a big problem with my H who also tried to continue his friendship/ get support with my family. In a 'normal' world this would have been OK but it was like he had decided that they should be on 'his side' instead of mine. I felt that he was intruding on what was supposed to be my support system. My Mum had to tell him in the end that her first allegiance was with me and H accepted that and no longer talks to her. H has caused me to have a strained relationship with my brother though.
Karin.

lynn:
Hi pandora,

Sometimes I find my determination waning for divorce.  Even when you felt terrible about your marriage, there were probably reasons that you stayed.  And the divorce process presents so many other issues that it can become overwhelming.  At those times, his words may be comforting... or perhaps, the logic of the words is so familiar, that you find yourself falling into the typical-compassion-for-his-difficulties habit.

One thing that has worked reasonably well for me is to avoid responding to him.  When we have to talk, I say very little.  I give myself a day or so to reply.  I can't always trust myself around him.  Meaning, I am so used to saying the "right" things to him, that I am occassionally compelled to do it now.  It's kind of like dieting.  You have an urge to eat something, but if you wait a little while, the urge goes away.... and you come to your senses.  

On the days when the struggle to put my life back together, outweighs the opportunities of a new beginning, I give myself that gift of time.  I avoid decisions on those days.  I don't force things to be perfect so quickly.  

And generally, the uncertain feelings pass and I find a glimmer of stregth again.... and I build on that strength.

Hang in there.  Take care of yourself.

warmly,

lynn

Anonymous:
Pandora,

Good on you. No, wait, I take that back.

GOOD ON YOU!!!!!!

Iwouldn't have any more meetings with him. He's going to pull every string he can.

And the idea of him living in the basement. Gives me the creeps.

He's bloody manipulative ringing your friends and family. Telling them how sorry he is. He wasn't doing that when he was with other women, was he? Don't believe him. He's being very manipulative.

And wanting you to spend all your time the next few months of your life in counselling cause he's a selfish jerk.

He wouldn't be in the slighest bit interested in doing any of this if you were a happy camper, still putting up with his shit. He'd still be dishing it out today. And be having lunch with some bimbo next week, without giving you a second thought.

He'd be too busy trying to 'find himself'.

He doesn't like to have 'real issues' to deal with. He's just a little BOY.


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