Bean,
The description of your therapy sessions sounds horrendous (but quite similar to mine). It must have been really traumatic for you. What a dreadful family to have to put up with! NC is essential when there's a family like ours, isn't it?
I think your therapist was completely out of order to have *ever* allowed your parents to have visited him , behind your back. After all, YOU were paying him to see YOU. At the very least, he should have asked your opinion before seeing them separately from you. No wonder you lost trust in him!
When I had family therapy, I did feel this man was a bit, well, 'new' to family therapy, and a bit out of his depth. I showed him letters my NMum and NSister had written to me, and he read them while I watched him, and he was stunned. He kept saying 'did this incident really happen?' , and I'd have to tell him how they twisted things to make me look evil (that was one of my NMum's favourite descriptions of me 'wicked and evil'.
Anyway, when we had the two group sessions, the therapist video'd them, without giving the rest of them the option of it happening (I knew he was going to do it). My NMUm and Nsister were very uncomfortable with that. The therapist started the session by getting eaach person to 'introduce themselves' to him, and say how they felt the family was now, how it used to be, and what they saw as ' the problem'. They all said *I* was the problem, except for my Dad (who I still see), who said 'the argument between Joan and Janet is the problem, because it's not getting sorted out' (he's always said it's 'AN argument', as if it's just one incident, although reallly that was just the last straw - there's bound to be a 'final' argument, isn't there?
I'd already discussed with the therapist in the sessions I had had with him alone, that I would have to introduce the 'painful' subjects for discussion myself, so it didn't look as if I'd been 'telling tales' to the therapist first - it had to look 'natural'. It was really hard to start talking about my anorexia, my dad's alcoholism, and my mum's affairs, in front of everyone, as we'd NEVER talked about these important things before, EVER. I'd had anorexia for 12 years, and been over it for 7 years, and yet no-one in my family had ever said the word 'anorexia' before.
The therapist was very even-handed, although I think that, privately, he was 'on my side' but in a professional sense. I was paying him, so his 'loyalty' was to me, to try to get *my* mental health to be better.
At the end of the frst session, we all left, and each made a dash for our cars, not wanting to talk in the car park (very uncomfortable).
On the next evening, when we got there for the second session, we had to wait for 20 minutes in the waiting room, as the therapist was running late. I do think this was really bad planning on his part. As you said, Bean, the N's use this time to get the knife in. I was waiting for my Dad to arrive, and asked where he might be. My NMum then calmly said 'he's not coming. He doesn't think it's worth it' (meaning YOU'RE not worth it). It turned out later, that, after the first sesion, my mum and dad had gone home and had the most blazing row ever about her affairs, as they'd never discussed that before. This instigated their divorce a year later. I was blamed for this. My dad now has a lovely 'ladyfriend', though, so I think it was worthwhile, on the whole.
So, we started the second session with a very bad feeling in the air. My dad had supported me quite a lot in the first session, and I did feel 'on my own'. The other three (I have a brother, too, who was there, but I realise I hardly ever mention him!) all sat together, and I sat apart from them.
We covered what might happen in the future, and how the family dynamic might be altered by structuring the 'Sunday visits' to my Mum's house differently (she expected us always to visit her, all the adult children, plus partners, every week without fail, which was a huge area of contention between us).
It got very heated, and my Mum and sister started shouting at me. On the video, I just look terrified, and very small. I'd really 'retreated' to protect myself. When the therapist said 'what are you going to do?' It just made me say what I'd thought for ages - 'I've had enough, and I'm not going to put myself through this any more. That's it, finished.' We wrapped up the session, and I walked out in tears.
He posted me the videos a few days later, with a letter saying they were MINE, and it was up to me whether I allowed the others to ever see it - possibly if they were willing to discuss things later, he thought the videos might be useful (DISCUSS? With an N?? I did say he didn't understand).
My dad asked to see the second video, as he hadn't been there, and I let him see that one, although I warned him that we did continue discussing the alcoholism and the affairs, so he might find it painful, which he did.
The sessions cost me about £350 altogether, for 6 sessions on my own, and 2 group sessions, which I thought at the time was a lot for ME to have to pay.
Now, I think it was a bargain, as it made me realise I had to go NC (that was 13 years ago).
Does that answer your question, Isobel, or have I waffled?
Janet
