daughters vs sons for an N mother

[JanetLG]

Bella,

You certainly ARE NOT, NOT, NOT like your mother!!!

NOT!!

Did I say NOT?

None of us daughters of N mothers are like our mothers, unless we've been groomed as the Golden Child (and even that's not a good place to be).

As to male-bias, it reminds me of a strange thing that used to happen between my violent Nboyfirend and my NMum, when I was first 'paired up' with him by her and my Nsister. He used to buy me flowers, chocolates, etc., AND BUY MY NMUM THE SAME, AT THE SAME TIME. It was as if he was going out with twins. It really used to aggravate me. Of course, my NMum thought he was great - she got to have YET ANOTHER man at her feet (at the time, she had my henpecked Dad, and was having an affair with a married man - but, interestingly, she STILL said that the hated all men!).

Janet

[Bella_French]

Thankyou SO much Janet,

That must have felt so weird, when your ex bought your Mother the same gifts as he bought you. N's are weirdos, lol.

My mother was always having affairs too, Janet. Hugs to you; i know it feels to have aMum like yours.

X Bella

[Hopalong]

Oo. Janet.
My last Nxbf bought me the exact same Xmas gift he gave his daughter.
It positively gave me the creeps.

I thought it was something like: gift the woman. Oh, and the other one.
(Sort of like: feed the dog/s).

Yuuuggghhh. Bad memory.

Hops

[JanetLG]

Hops,

Yes!! That's exactly how it felt. So insulting.

And he used to do the typical N trait of unsuitable gift-giving, too, like he'd buy me a tin-opener, and expect me to be pleased.

Janet

[finding peace]

Towrite, you said:

To tell the truth - and I am tearing up as I write this - I spent my entire childhood watching her attitude change from me to my brothers and deep down decided it was me - I was somehow bad, flawed, to blame - and I spent all my formative years wandering in a haze of confusion about what was so bad about me, what did I do wrong.

This is me – I got it from both parents and it was reinforced by my brother.  I still feel the hurt at being thrown to the wolves while my brother and sister were catered to on so many levels.  In some ways it is getting better (thank god for this board) - but there is still a part of me that is resisting changing this belief - and I can't figure out why.  It will come.

You also asked:

If my mother projected all her bad feelings onto me, why would she punish me for them?

My thought on this, she was never punishing you, she was punishing herself (you were never really a person to her – only a mirror – and she hated what she saw in that mirror, never you - only herself.)  Now I write this, and think that is probably true for my family as well, but I suspect in some cases (like ours) there may be another layer - I think for some adults it is a power trip to abuse kids - gives them a sense of power and control.  I have to think more on this.

I am sorry in advance for asking this, if it is too painful please ignore, is the brother who punched you and fired a gun at your head the one who committed suicide? 

Also, (the following is said with so much sadness in my heart for you) I have to say that I am stunned at the level of abuse you have endured all of your life.  Are you still associating with them on a regular basis?  Frankly, your brother scares me.  My brother did some pretty violent things too, and after one particularly violent act (not nearly as violent as what you had), I stayed as far away from him as I could and swore I would never be alone with him.

I am so sorry towrite, you have been through hell.

Peace

[reallyME]

One thing I can share regarding this sibling-type discussion...when I first hooked up with Kay, she had told me that her younger sister was always her mother's favorite.  At this point, however, Kay had at last won her mother over, due to common beliefs.

Problem was, once I came into the picture, Kay's mother "took" to me like I was a daughter, and Kay became enraged and jealous and warned me not to get too close to her mother, cause Kay didn't want her mother to reject me. (it was KAY who was feeling insecure about me having a relationship with her mother)  When I told her she had nothing to fear about me stealing "mom" from her, she replied with "oh don't even THINK like that.  it would NEVER happen.  Me and Mom are tight!"

Weird thing is, when I did get to know her mother, I found out that I knew things from Kay that her mother had no clue about....things began not lining up very quickly.

[finding peace]

Hey towrite

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

Peace

[towrite]

I'm doing OK. thanks for asking. It is a strange feeling for me to find a place where I can speak about my horrific childhood and not have people walk away or avoid me. As I have said before, my family was socially prominent and none of their associates or their children (my age) ever entertained any notion about what happened behind closed doors.

My NM is the peak of WASP-ism - for whoever asked. Can't remember who, sorry to say. My NF was brutal, violent, selfish, and abusive. He definitely added to the mix, but his controbution was not the defining factor. He simply supported my NM's irrational decisions, behaviors, and verbal insults.

Thanks everyone.
towrite.

BTW - I am terrified of becoming that "chilly intellectual N" that someone described.