Please let me forewarn that this is going to be a long post. I have spent two hours on here this evening reading posts and only got back through February. I have so many questions and no answers.
Let me start by saying that my "hurt" feelings started after the birth of my first child. I knew that my growing up family was not what I would classify as "normal", but I didn't realize how far off from normal they really were. My mother and sperm donor (bio father) were married at 16. I was born when they were 17. They divorced and remarried twice. Enter my stepfather. I was 5 when they married, my brother was 1. My mom and bio father had only been divorced 2 months. I have so many bad memories of my growing up years. My brother experienced severe physical and emotional abuse from my mother. I always made myself stay on her good side, so we didn't have too many disagreements until my teenage years. It only took something small for her to totally fly off the handle. My brother was an expert at pushing those buttons. My mother had several affairs on my stepfather and we were forced to go with her on most of them. My stepfather sexually abused me when I was around 12 and stopped when I told him to leave me alone or I would tell my mother - I can't remember most of that and also, I don't know exactly how long it went on for??? She and my stepfather also divorced and remarried twice. She used him like a doormat. My mother was never there for me in any way. I felt like I raised her. I was always responsible for everything - taking care of my brothers (I have another brother from her marriage to my stepfather), making sure she was happy, etc. She never attended one event of mine in college but expected me to come home every weekend to see her because "she missed me". Yeah right.
As I said before, after the birth of my first child I experienced severe negative feelings toward my mother. My stepfather died when I was 8 months pregnant and my mother remarried 2 months later, with no regard for my or my brothers feelings and of course claiming that we didn't love her and wanted her to be miserable. My husband is in the military and we lived overseas at the time. He deployed after our daughter was born and I begged my mother to come out and help me (I didn't know she was already dating someone at the time). She refused and said she couldn't leave the house. As I said, she has never been there for me in any way.
Growing up, I used to do anything I could do to keep her happy and keep the discontent in our family at a minimum. I even did this for the first 5 years of my marriage. When my daughter was born though, my life changed. I understood for the first time TRUE motherly love. It made me disgusted to see that my mother did not love me the way that I loved my child. I immediately stopped satisfying my mother and began telling her the truth. Our disagreements started immediately. She constantly told me that "I had changed" and that she couldn't believe I didn't love her anymore. For several months I tried to reason with her the way I would a healthy individual. I begged her to try to work things out with me - to no avail. I soon learned that she was incapable of this method. It was at that point that I began counseling. I told my counselor that I did not want to disown my mother but I did not know how to live with her. She immediately helped me to begin setting boundaries. Month after month my mother became more furious about the changes that were going on between us. My first boundary was to put a limit on how much I talked with my mother. Since I had left for college, it was just normal to talk to my mother every day, sometimes multiple times a day. She would call, we would talk about her, she wouldn't ask about me and we would hang up with her contented. This continued after I was married. My husband always thought it was abnormal to talk to her everyday, but he let me do what I was comfortable (or in hindsight - trained) doing. After my daughter was born I had problems because I told my mom I wasn't available to talk every day. I was slightly busy with a child now and even more than that I was getting to a point in my life where I didn't need to know every detail of her visit to Wal-Mart or how she had an ingrown toenail. My counselor advised getting caller id and I did so. When my mother would call, I wouldn't answer. At first, I would call her back about every 3 or 4 days. Even still, she would leave some nasty messages. "Michelle, I know your there - pick up - I can't believe you are treating me this way. I would never treat my mother this way. You are the worst daughter in the world. I should never call you again. Your lucky I'm your mother" or "I guess your too busy to talk to me. I guess you must have some pretty important things going on to not want to talk to me. Call me as soon as you get this. It's very important - I need to ask you a question about a recipe." Did I mention that my mother does not have 1 single friend - I have never known about her ever having a friend.
I have realized several things about my mother now. She is manipulative. She gives me the guilt trip every single time I talk to her. She is overly controlling. She expects me to fulfill her needs. She can't let go of me. She blames my husband for "taking me away from her". She does not love me. She only wants to have something to do with me or my children when we can fulfill her needs. She is never wrong. She will not apologize. I could go on and on.
My husband has been a constant source of support since we have been dating. He has always stated his confusion and sadness at how she treats me, but he has never asked me to stop contact with her. He has also allowed her to visit anytime I wanted her to and has put up with her games for many years now.
Here is my current situation. I am still in counseling. At my last session, my counselor told me that she thinks my mother is narcissistic (as much as she can without actually seeing her in person). Since she told me that, I have been trying to research as much as I can on it (with 2 toddlers in tow
). My mother pushed me over my limit a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't talked to her in a week. When she answered the phone she said, "so what do YOU want?" I tried to be polite and just carried on a normal conversation. She said, "Well, Steve (her husband) and I have come to a conclusion. The end of the world must be coming because when children turn on their parents that is what that means. I have to go now because I am too BUSY to talk to you - you know all about being busy don't you????" It was too much for me. She knew I had been horribly sick and never made a comment or asked about me. I went into my counselor the next day for my appointment and told her I was done. I told her that I couldn't take the hurt anymore and I am drained of everything. I have nothing left to give her. She told me that my option then would probably be to just draw more serious limits. She said do not talk to her at all and if I want to send a card every now and then "Thinking of you, warm wishes, etc" that would be fine - but to keep my distance. She also made sure to let me know though that this does not have to be permanent. If my mother will ever get help, I may possibly be able to have a relationship with her at that time.
Here is my problem now. I have thought about her advice all week. The last time I talked to my mother was on the monday after easter. She has called 4 times since then and left 2 messages. She has emailed once. She knows I am ok because she called my aunt (who I am very close to). I don't know whether to just cut her off or at least to let her know I won't be talking to her anymore. I understand that I can't explain it to her because she won't comprehend and she'll turn it on me anyway. My people pleasing and need for closure is just going crazy because I feel like I need to take a step to end this. I have actually been pushed to being excited about not talking to her anymore. She is my only major source of stress in my life. Everything else is normal and I am able to deal with it.
I am doing well in counseling. She is teaching me that I am responsible for my life now. I can control my stress by setting major limits with my mother - unfortunately that means that she won't be able to be an active part of my life. She is teaching me how to deal with the quirks I have developed by having to grow up too young and also from the abuse. She is also teaching me how to be a healthy and responsible mother for my own children.
Here are my questions:
1. You guys are more experienced with NPD than I am. Does my mother sound like that is what she has?
2. Do you have any advice on how to bring closure with her?
3. Any advice on dealing with her or do you agree that I just need to not have contact with her?
4. Is there any way to suggest that she get help without offending her?
5. I am interested in "voicelessness" but could not find a good definition on the website. Could someone explain it for me?
Thank you for listening and for any help you can provide.
Healing one day at a time,
Michelle
