With sweaty palms and a rapid heart, I need to recount this dream from last night.
I was very wealthy and had built a huge house on the side of a mountain. It was an arid mountain, like in AZ (no doubt influenced by a recent HGTV show). My house had boardwalks through the trees and gardens up the hill to the top. The house was filled with people I knew, but I wandered through the pockets of people merry-making by myself. No one spoke to me or called my name. I took three of these people (whom I'd known since childhood) up the boardwalk to see the rest of the property and gardens. It was dark and the way was lit with torches in the ground. The three of them sat on a bench for a moment - since they were behind me I didn't know they had stopped walking. I stopped and waited. They were talking among themselves, and suddenly they got up and rushed off the boardwalk and hid in the dark. I hollered after them about where they were going - they did not answer, tho they could plainly see and hear me. I assumed they wanted to get away from me.
Sadly - and with anger/pain - I walked back to the house alone and encountered a guy just arriving at the party. He was the younger brother of a guy my age and I greeted him with enthusiasm. Instinctively I knew, as soon as I put my hand on his shoulder, that he had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I asked, as he disappeared into the crowd, when he had found out and he replied it had been two days ago. I let him go - and I knew this was the person the three friends had been avoiding. But I still held on to the belief they had wanted to get away from me. The pain was almost unbearable.
I heard someone call my name. Going to the source of the voice, I found a table set with birthday cake, candles burning, and one gift. They cried, "Happy Birthday!" I had told no one it was my birthday, and even tho' that was why I'd thrown the party, I had not said it was a birthday party. I was so hurt, resentful, angry, that I looked at the table and told them I wanted no part of it. I walked away thinking they had done this for themselves, not for me. It was another excuse for them to party even harder; none of them had even spoken to me all night, then they light candles and expect me to come gratefully to the table, so they can have cake and ignore me even further. I knew if I sat down, they would simply go on talking among themselves and ignore me. Again the pain was unbelievable.
Now, my interpretation:
- the house represents me, my insides - large, lots of room, winding and complex, and well-built with a view; it is also fairly empty
- the guy with terminal cancer whom my friends were avoiding is the fatally damaged part of me which I believe is the reason my friends ignore or avoid me in real life - this is the source of my pain in the dream and is the part that lingers in my waking hours, so it is important
- the rest - the party, the people - are the distractions which I fill my life with hoping to ward off the pain.
The pain is so deep. It is not only my friends who ignore me, it's my family (mother and brother) who disrespect me so.
This weekend my cousins and my family, who have inherited some land at the lake, are supposed to meet there to have a drawing for 4 parcels that have been "at large". My brother, being an ex-lawyer, was assumed by the other cousins to be the spokesman for our branch. Only I was never given any notice about the drawing. The cousins, rightfully so, assumed since he was our spokesman, would take the responsibility for contacting me. Only he didn't. He loves to be the designated attorney but he will not take any further responsibility by letting me know the plans. So, now I have to make the decision, as disrespected by him as I feel, if I am going to take my hurt self up to the lake with only a few hours notice.
Should I swallow my pride and go? If I go, am I showing them/him that it's ok to let me know only at the last minute? As far as the drawing is concerned, it doesn't matter if I go or not, b/c he can draw for our branch. He didn't say he was going, only asked if I was.
That rat bast***!
Help! I don't know what to do. I know my feelings - like the ones represented by the guy in the dream with cancer are not true in reality, only in my psyche. But the feelings are so strong, I'm not sure I can go up there today.
towrite
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