i feel like contacting her...not sure if good idea....

[mudpuppy]

NMMG,

I think you handled things just right. This gal sounded pretty naive. There is little chance he will act on his indirect threats, but the headstone reference and the dead animal pictures are both common precursors to many actual violent acts. Sounds like she needed somebody to wake her up.

mud

[Bella_French]

thank you for your support and understanding, bella.

i think ironically, contacting her was a big step for me in my healing process.  although it truly helps to commiserate with others who have suffered through similar things, such as on this board, it feels infinitely more validating to actually speak with another woman who has suffered at the hands of the same man.  although i knew in my mind, logically, that i wasn't imagining things, that it wasn't my fault, that i wasn't being paranoid, i now feel these things in my heart....my whole person now is convinced. 

also, honestly, i don't feel like i'm "cleaning up his messes" by trying to help his ex, because i'm more trying to help her (not him at all).  if i hadn't contacted her to try to help and let her suffer through alone....well, i couldn't imagine not helping her. 

Yes, I agree that this was a noble act. The process I worry more about is you `keeping tabs' on him, and digging into his affairs so that you can find his ex's to help. Thats the part that I feel would not be good for you over the long run. I am glad that you found a sense of validation from this experience though.

X Bella

[NoMoreMindGames]

yes, you're right bella.  i didn't used to do this, and i question my motives now.....for a few years after we broke up, i never looked him up online.  but the stalking and weird online things kept happening.  i feel a big part of the reason for my continuing to try to check into him online is because i'd rather keep tabs on what he's up to than not...that way i'm not so surprised the next time my account is hacked into, or the next time he finds some way to bypass all of the online blocks i have in place in order to tell me he might be able to send my stuff to me again. 

for instance, because i saw that his most recent ex-girlfriend's myspace profile disappeared, and that he'd changed his status to "single", i then knew i could expect some sort of harassment/cyberstalking incident to happen to me.  sure enough, i once again began to be stalked online, most likely by the xN.  i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from.  so, i guess it's my way of steeling myself emotionally and psychologically, so i'm not always surprised when stuff happens.

i've read recently that women who are the victims of stalkers will continue to be "nice" to their stalker in order to maintain the peace and to know the whereabouts and actions of the stalker...better safe than dead, i suppose.  i, too, tried being "nice" and maintaining a "friendly" relationship with xN online, but he's so toxic and so nasty, i just couldn't do it.  so, instead, i just peek at his profiles every now and again, and am vigilant about keeping him blocked, changing my passwords, being very careful who i get to know online, etc.

[mudpuppy]

i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from.

Why can't you make it impossible (or as impossible as anything can be) for him to find you online?

mud

[NoMoreMindGames]

i've noticed this pattern...when he breaks up with a girl, he then turns to me to harass or to get "supply" from.

Why can't you make it impossible (or as impossible as anything can be) for him to find you online?

mud

well, that's why i've deleted my personal myspace profile (not my band's, but have blocked him from contacting my band), my friendster profile, my livejournal profile, and changed my email address.  however, my husband is quite easy to find online, as he's deeply involved with the music and photography scene in our town, and he refuses to "hide" from my xN.  so, by proxy, xN can track me.  the last time he was able to contact me, it was via my husband's band's old email address that they hardly ever checked (i never checked it, was just told by husband's bandmate that xN was trying to email me on there).

as far as someone hacking into my myspace goes....i don't feel i have a lot of control over that, since my password was something i didn''t think anyone could guess.  the only thing i COULD do was delete the profile, which is what i did.  i thought i'd covered all the bases, with a really complicated password, a Mac computer, and had made my profile "private"...was really careful about not accepting friend requests from people i didn't know, etc.  but i think if someone really wants to stalk someone else, they'll find a way.  i mean, i've made my phone numbers private and unlisted, but since i had a job for a while that required me to advertise myself and my business, he would have been able to gain access to my (now old) email address and current phone number.

i feel kind of like people here are blaming me for this person's behavior...i feel like i have to defend myself.  it's not exactly fair that i'm having to delete and censor myself constantly in order to avoid this psycho 8 years after breaking up.  trust me, i'd much rather forget about him entirely and move on, which is what i'm trying to do.  it's not my fault this guy is as psycho as he is.

[mudpuppy]

  No need to defend yourself to me. I was just curious as to why you couldn't start over with a clean slate online.
 My only concern is that this guy sounds like a real psycho and a potentially violent nutjob.
 It's certainly not your fault he's a psycho and it's certainly not fair that you have to protect yourself but neither is there anything wrong with taking extra precautions when dealing with a violent nut.

mud

[Ami]

Dear Mud,
  It is so refreshing for a person to be NON politically correct  . You should run for President.                      Ami

[Bella_French]

I hope I didn't come across as blaming you for your ex's actions, NMMG. I just feel that there is a great amount of empowerment to be gained from totally embracing the `no contact' rule . I can see that you've done a lot to try to have no contact with him, except for this last incident, where you have deliberately become involved in his affairs. 

I feel that you haven't done anything `wrong' ; thats not the issue at all. I'm just suggesting that digging into your ex's affairs and getting involved with them are actions which do not fit in with the  `no contact' rule, and therefore are not really helping you forget him, or helping with resolving your stalking problem. If anything, those actions would potentially inflame the stalking, because your contact with his ex, if he learned of it, would demonstrate to him that you are still `his audience' and therefore NS. Does that better explain what I mean?

I am left wondering what NS is your ex gaining from you, that has kept him stalking you for 8 years? Are his attempts to contact you met with a response, or do you totally ignore him? Do you ever respond to emails, phone calls, anything like that? Also, if your husband's contact details are your ex's means for contacting you, do you necessarily have to respond to that contact? Would your hubby be willing to be your buffer?

I'm not accusing you of anything; just wondering what the situation is exactly.

X bella

[NoMoreMindGames]

hi bella, and everyone,

you know, it's really funny...i was just doing my yoga-type exercises, when i felt this sudden releasing of all of this stuff....i felt like "i don't need to concern myself with him, even if he is stalking me...so what?  what can he do to me, really?  i'm free to focus on the positive things in my life, the things that matter...like the fact i'm pregnant, i have a wonderful husband, i have a great life RIGHT NOW!"  these were the thought i suddenly found myself thinking, and embracing.  it was almost as if i SAW that bad energy drift away from me.  very weird.  and cool.

no more contact, or "n-dipping"...no more.   i think i was just trying to be in control of the situation (something i have a problem with, coming from an alcoholic family and all).  but i don't have control past a certain point, and i need to just accept that.  i did all i could to help his ex girlfriend, and i don't regret that.............and no more brooding or wallowing...as such, i think i'll take a break for a while from here.  need to clear my head of the negativity and embrace the positive.

thank you everyone for your advice and concern....i may be back when i feel like i won't be triggered back into the anxiety and brooding.  maybe i can help someone else.

love,

NMMG