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The Difference betweens Words I say and the Feelings I feel

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Zen Boy:
Hi,

I seem to be has lost a 4.5 year marraige to a wonderful woman I adore.  But she wants a divorce because she cannot trust me and has seen a difference, especially recently, between some words I have said to her and others and what I say I really feel.

I am wondering if any of you have found yourself saying one thing, possibly not even conciously thinking about it, but meaning quite another when you were in a painful and anxious phase of life - which is where I was when I was wanting to reach my wife for a few months.  By "wanting to reach my wife" I mean trying to get us to add more intimacy and mutual understanding to our marriage.

Thank you,


Zen Boy

Portia:
Hello Zen Boy: a bit like: "I hate you, don't leave me?"

Anonymous:
Zen Boy,

She would divorce you because you are saying contradictory things?? That seems extreme. What is really going on in the marriage?

bunny

Zen Boy:
Hi,

Thanks for responding - after I posted my note I found out that my wife had been posting here for a couple months...  What irony.

I thought I was on a road to recovery from my caustic and abusive criticisms - which had gotten worse as the last year progressed.  I have had therpaists tell me that I do NOT have a narcisissm disorder but that I need to learn better how to communicate, to be empathic of other's feelings, to listen better and that I HAVE behaved narcissiticly.  I have a strong type A personality.

I understand that I pushed my wife over the edge and the marriage is lost - I am unbelievably sad but it is hugely important to me to avoid making such mistakes in the future.  In fact, starting in November, despite deliberately being flirtatious with other women (an escape?)  and not communicating my true feelings (I think out of fear) to my wife, I had commenced myself to a full-timed course of self improvement.  I went to individual therapy, group therapy and continued/started marriage counseling and still do these things (except the marraige counseling as she has moved on).

But I didn't seem to realize that being flirtatious was inappropriate and that NOT TELLING HER I wanted our marriage to work and that I was committed to it was damaging!  I look back now and think I was lost or on drugs (I do not use drugs).

But despite wanting things to work and desperately looking to improve the intimacy between us, I kept pushing her away.  WHY???  I really did (and do) love and respect her.  But I did NOT tell her how much I wanted our marriage to work.  Instead, I made fatalistic comments like "It will work out if it is meant to be" and crap like that.

I think I was hoping to hear some positive optimistic response from her but only now do I see that she was beaten down by my months of criticism.  And I too felt beaten down by an inability to reach her and I seemed to stay fixated on my caustic approach to get her to respond to me.  I felt like we were butting heads.  Is this just my fault?  What was not working inside me?

Ahhh, we both suffered so much... :(

Anyway, I ask you all for advice - I cannot make such mistakes again.

Thank you

Zen Boy

rosencrantz:
Sorry - there's stuff here that's not computing for me.

If you know your wife is using this board, are you trying to make a point for her to read?

You've told us very clearly that you know what to do and that you know what not to do.  What more advice is needed?  You've had the advice, now you need to do the work.

I understand how difficult it can be if you are in a quagmire and with every step you take to get out of the rubbish, you pull yourself back in.  Very confusing, very dispiriting.   I'd guess that fear is the key.

Well, here you are then, here's a bit of advice.  Stay in therapy until you've overcome your fears and stay out of intimate relationships until you've learnt how to treat women as members of the same human race as yourself.  And read some of the books on the booklist here.

From past experience, I'd guess that you've got a couple of years of hard graft ahead of you.  Good luck.
R

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