Starfish,
I've decided that a formal announcement would only create more turmoil for everyone involved... especially my children.
But then it's been 8 years since my relationship of active enmeshment with my mother ended... when I met npd-ex... and for nearly 7 of those years, I've been 1,000 miles away from her.
I believe that she really knows why, but in her mind, she's rationalized it all by attributing it to my being "strong-willed". That's the way she thinks of me, I believe. A strong-willed child.
Through these years, she and my dad have written to my kids and me every week.
I've written twice, I think.
She doesn't phone much... getting voice mail is offensive to her, I guess... so that's not been a great problem. I've called 3-4 times, I think.
Of course, that was before I'd really looked the whole mess squarely in the eye, and so it was just a continuation of my old avoidant style.
I'm not sure whether any deep change in that style is necessary at this point. Telling N the "whys" does no good, imo. They're supreme in the universe, you know, and so such common human reasoning is beneath their dignity.
On the other hand, I can see the good in addressing current, specific examples of their affrontery. Good for us, their children, I mean.
My mother is 81 and in very poor health now... and frankly, I'm afraid that if I launch a formal "no contact", I will be haunted at some point.
Also, I've not had to deal with such blatantly mean and hateful behavior as many of the other members here. She's never done anything quite like what your m did with your dogs... I was so sad to read that. On the other hand, I feel quite sure that she'd like to dispose of my current, wonderful husband, if it were within her power to do so. I've sensed her strong drive to curse, and definitely not to bless, me and my life... especially lately in her dire predictions that I will suffer the many ailments that she's enduring, all in good time.
Now there's one I'd like to address with her. "No, I won't, mother, because I refuse to be a miserable, self-centered, hateful human being."
Anyhow, I'm trying to choose to view any future contacts with her as opportunities... ack... because I am getting just a glimpse of how that could work. These mothers will never satisfy the deep longing for unconditional love and acceptance which children have. But before I was even able to recognize that need, I was aware of something else that was always missing... and that is for her to know me. She has refused to know me and that's a factor I can do something about. I can say, "this is me, this is who I am", but I can only do that as I remain detached from the outcome and don't expect anything in return. For me, I feel that's a step I need to take, bit by bit, beginning with addressing the attitudes she's expressed toward my husband and children.
I don't know how or whether that would work for you, Starfish, but I can sure relate to you beginning a new life in marriage and wanting to package up some old messes. My husband has been a big help to me through this, as much as I haven't wanted to hear some of what he's said. His mother threw him out of the house at 16 and he lived with his Grandma, who told him,
"Well... you only have one mother." ugh
I asked him the other day, "so how do you deal with her?"
He says, "I'm honest with her."
And then I understood what part of his honesty with her looks like... often he doesn't return her calls. Sometimes he'll pick up... but only when he feels like it. He'll send cards and gifts, but he doesn't expect anything from her in the way of understanding and so he doesn't engage too closely.
I see him living it out and I think, hey, I can do that... because I understand that the pain and resentment spring out of unmet expectations. Having identified alot of my feelings toward my mother and purged them, I hope to be able to handle it as he does, because now I'm seeing it not as avoidance, but as minimizing the drama... pure simplicity.
Sorry for the length of this... first time I've tried to put it into words : )
But maybe it will help some... just another perspective.
Best wishes!
Hope
