Second guessing myself

[Poppyseed]

This last while has been a stressful time in my marriage and within myself as I have been trying to heal, create boundaries, decide if I  would divorce, decide what kind of person I needed to become, etc.  My H and I have been having lots of heart to hearts as we face some of our biggest issues together.  And I am happy to say that we are making real progress and for now I feel safer and more loved and understood and am feeling like my marriage may be salvagable. 

This process seems to be taking a toll on my health and I am trying to find ways of caring for that part of myself too.  Two weeks ago I caught a virus that put me in the ER and has really zapped my energy.  I have lost about 10 lbs and am trying to sleep.  I guess my whole region is struggling with it.  The news has reported similar situations and our hospital says that they have too many cases to count.  Most people get over it in 5 to 8 days.  I am on my 11th day and it is the first day I have not vomited.  Long story short, I think I am really run down.

Because of the stress, I have been trying to make decisions of self care and hoping they are right ones.  Three weeks ago I decided to sell my puppy.  She was the cutest cocker and I loved her.  But I was struggling to potty train her and my house started to smell ( I hate smells, especially pee).  I consulted trainers and sunk a fair piece of cash into her trying to make headway.  After 6 months, my H was at his wits end and so was I.  And so, I sold her.  I have struggled with the decision ever since.  I miss her so much.  But don't want the stress she created either.  It is kinda stupid, perhaps, to be worried about something so trivial.  But I find myself, with so many of my decisions, big and small, wondering if I did the right thing.  Not trusting myself or my instincts.  I guess, I am finding that many of the decisions I am making don't have wonderful outcomes or perfect outcomes or peaceful outcomes even though I feel peaceful inside at the time.  I know that I need to let go of outcomes  and that outcomes are not always an indication of the right or wrong of decisions.  I am trying to stand on my own.  Not needing others to define me but wondering what indicators to look to for security if I am no longer suppose to get my affirmations from the outside world.  Make sense?

What are ways you all have learned to trust your abilitiy to make good decisions or maybe to trust yourself to handle imperfect outcomes?  I so miss the person I used to be as a child.  I never stressed out about stuff.  I was easy going.  Child-like wisdom, I guess.  I worry so much now about avoiding pain.  Worry so much now about making codep choices.  I have made so many mistakes in the past.  But feel determined to trust myself to handle all of my decisions, good and not so good.

[Gaining Strength]

Decision making has been difficult for me.  I am not wishy washy but I have suffered great recriminations for many of my decisions.  I read something this past year that I have simply taken to heart.  It said that the way to move forward is to make a decision and go.  Be willing to accept the consequences.  The best attitude is to make a decision and be willing to be wrong.

Of course what I read was much more succinct and better written but the message made an impact on my life.  Now I can make decisions and let go of them.  If they are wrong - so be it.  In the case you describe I imagine there is much emotion attached to the concept of a puppy.  It is the emotion behind such decisions that makes second guessing go on and on but there is nothing good that comes out of such second guessing.  It is done.  You had very good reason for your decision.  If, at a later time, you can try with another puppy do so.  But, unfortunately the timing was all wrong this time and you did the right thing.  You found that dog another home.  Good for you.  You did the right thing for that dog.

Now do the right thing for yourself and stop second guessing and give yourself credit for a good and wise decision.  That is so important in taking care of yourself.

Gaining STrength

[dandylife]

Poppyseed,
It's nice to read about your newfound hope in saving your marriage. It's so good to hear "heart to heart". I read that as being honest with each other and caring for each other. If you can truly do that, then you are doing great.

As far as your decision making goes, I read recently in a novel, "There are no safe choices, only other choices."

I suppose you can read anything in to that you would like, but I took out of it the judgment of others. You made a choice. It was the best choice you thought at the time. It was not right or wrong, good or bad. It was a choice.

There are consequences to every choice. You considered those before making it. You knew you would miss her and you knew you would not miss the stress. That was the choice. A difficult one. One that will hurt. But one that will heal you in many ways, too.

You seem to be doing a good job of choosing what's right in taking care of yourself.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry you've been so sick, Poppy.
That must've been brutal. I hope some good broth and deep sleep--days of sleep!--will help.
I can imagine how exhausted you've been. Emotionally and physically.

It's okay to be unsure. Sometimes the way really isn't clear.
It's okay to not know.

If you can, try to bide.

That's an old word I love. Just...bide.

Be forgiving, very compassionate with yourself about any uncertainty.
There's no rule that you have to know what you don't know until you know it.

And even then, you are not trapped.
You will always be a human being with dignity and rights and integrity who has the right to take care of herself.

love,
Hops

[dandylife]

"There's no rule that you have to know what you don't know until you know it." Hopalong

This quote is going to go prominently somewhere! Probably lots of places.

Thanks Hops. Great piece of wisdom. Makes a body relax just hearing it.

Dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Dear Poppy,

You've been faced with so many dramatic changes in such a short time-frame... my own natural inclination at such a point is to minimize/reduce and simplify. Minimize distractions, simplify procedures, reduce work-load...
a very wise and honest approach, I think... admitting to self, "I can't do it all!"

Humbling, too.
You asked about what indicators to look to, for security.
I pray. Alot... All throughout the day, about every thing... decisions, indecisions, feelings, cares, doubts... every single time. The times I forget, get carried away in my own emotions or try to bypass that route, I always regret it. Thankfully, Father God is right there where I left Him, waiting for me to come to my senses. I am His child and I need Him.
Awhile back, I heard a teaching about an event in King David's life, where his wife and children were kidnapped by some bad dudes (Amalekites? I forget... one of those wicked tribes.) 
Now David was quite the warrior and showed no fear in the face of enemies, any more than he had when he stood before Goliath as a boy.
But do you know what he did when his family was stolen from him?
He immediately prayed.
David asked God what he should do about this problem.
So... whenever I think to myself, "oh, the solution to this one is obvious," or
"surely I'm supposed to manage this by myself," I remember that story.
And as I don't take such things for granted anymore, and I don't look within myself or to anyone else for that sense of security, I just feel safer and sounder and more whole than ever before in my life. Knowing that we have a loving heavenly Father who truly cares about our best interests causes me to feel safe at the deepest level. Shake-ups come and I go head-over-heels, but not for long anymore, because in my heart, from so much past experience, I know that's just a waste of time and precious energy which only pleases the enemy of my soul.

You're in my prayers for a solid recovery and lots of strength, courage, peace, and joy for the journey, Pops. Hugs to you.

Hope



 

[Poppyseed]

Thanks to all of you that responded to my post.  Sorry I haven't responded sooner.  Getting the kids in school and trying to feel better have been taking my time.  Today is my first real day back in the throng of activity. 

Learning to trust myself and learning to exercise my ability to choose is an interesting thing for me to learn right now.  Learning to find my security on the inside.  Learning to find autonomy and self esteem in this area is definitely a challenge.  My N experience has taught me, or rather dismantled my natural trust in myself.  I am finding it difficult and unsteady as I try to rebuild what I have lost.  Thank you for supporting me along the way.

Hops --  You have such a sure comfort about your words.  You made me feel like I could take a breath.  Thanks!  I panic and forget to relax and just Bide!  I feel so gently guided by you.  You seem to have such serenity and wisdom and strength in your comments.  I so appreciate reading you.


GS -- You are like the sane and strong voice to me.  Feels good to hear someone, who is not me, tell me I CAN trust myself and my judgement.  Thank you!  I needed to borrow your strength.  You reminded me of my own.  Kinda feels like Cher in "Moonstruck" when she said to Nick Cage, "Snap out of it!"


Dandy --  You are so right.  Many choices are not qualified by the "good" or "bad" labels.   I realize so often I need to accept that nature in things.  And I agree with you.  Hops quote is a goodie!  Does make a body relax!  We don't have to know everything!

Hope --  I think you are right.  So much has happened and is happening in my life.  I am reminded so often that God is not done with me.  He is truly moving mountains and I all too often fail to trust in His wisdom and panic when I don't see results or understand the timing of things.  I remind myself everyday to trust His arm.  I have felt God so close to me.  Felt his guidance and felt his promise that he would turn things to my good and turn my enemies to me again.  I am all too often like Peter.  I walk on the water and then become afraid and fall into the water.  I feel Him teach me to stand up.  To stand on my own and in my own strength.  Feel like He is my parent teaching me that I can walk on my own and that He will be there for the stuff I can't do but that I can trust myself with some things.   Thank you for always pointing my eyes to the heavens.  I am confident that this journey will bring sweet sweet fruit.  I am learning to love myself.  It is so astonishingly hard for me to do.  Self care.  I am sure that someday I will master it all.  In the mean time, thanks for cheering me on.

--Poppyseed

[Certain Hope]

CB,

That's so lovely... and so true. I'm finding the same... at long last.

Hugs to you...

and Poppy hugs.

Grace to me is God's power in action... not my own. Without it, I couldn't take another step.

With much love,
Hope

[Poppyseed]

CB,

Thank you for your wisdom!  Giving grace to myself.....it is something I find difficult.  I question in my mind why I don't give myself or talk to myself in gentle and patient and long seeing and hopeful ways.  I find myself saying "I can't cause I might make a mistake and someone won't be happy with me or love me or they might take their love away if I am not perfect in the way they need or expect."  It is like fear drives the decision not to be kind to myself.  I drive myself like a team of mules trying to be perfect.   It makes me sick!!!  This is not my real self at all!!!  Yet I engage in that ruthless behavior. 

I think that you are right.  I need to make changes in myself.  Trusting myself with the process of learning, mistakes and all, and having the faith to walk in the dark.  Having faith also, that I can still be kind when others are not.  I am learning that the love I think I will get from others (at least the N kind)  rarely comes and that this is controlling behavior is really sinking my ship.  I will continue to practice the trust!! the walking on the water!! the walking into the dark!! Trusting the principles of grace and patience and kindness more than human nature.  Maybe I will become more loving to others as you suggest.  I am hoping that others will come into my life that add to my wholeness.  You are a wise one, CB!!

Poppy

[lighter]

(((Poppy)))

::sigh::

So sorry you had the viral struggle on top of everything else going on. 

You sound like you're in a pretty good decision making space.

I really enjoyed reading your post. 

[isittoolate]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Poppyseed)))))))))))))))))))))))

May you be well soon and have some blessed alone time to think.

May you choose well for yourself.

love
Izzy

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[Poppyseed]

Thanks Lighter.  I am feeling a bit better.  I guess I got a parasite or rotavirus or something crazy like that.  They say it is in our swimming pools and I take my kids there often.  Yuck!!

Thanks Izzy!  How 'bout if I get more confidence and you cry a lot and then we will all be fixed, right???

Have a happy day, gals!