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How do you explain to others?

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npenney:
I'm new to this board, but three years into my N education.  My mom is a longtime N, and my dad has joined her relatively recently in life.  Through counselling, prayer, lots of reading, and reflection, I'm working through devastating realizations, including that my parents will never change.  This is hard for me, since I've always lived with hope.

We have basically no association with my parents, aside from perfunctory social situations.  Our "line in the sand" several years ago was that our next meeting with my parents needed to be with a counselor.  You know how that turned out.

My parents live several hours from us, and my dad is still a professor at the university that our daughter will attend next year.  All of us belong to the same relatively small church denomination, and know people who know people who know each other.  So although we are emotionally distanced from each other, there are and will be social situations where we bump into each other, and where we see people who are on my parents' "side."

What do you all say when you're around your N?  How do you calmly explain that you can't be together?  Or do you just not discuss it, sticking to superficial conversation?

And what do you say to third parties who wonder why you're not all one big happy family?

I've got some ideas about this, but would like to hear yours too.  Thanks!

npenney:
You know, I don't know why this continues to just stun me, but it's really true that with the exception of details like names, all our N stories are identical!

I have also attempted last ditch "let's get together" letters and email, with predictable results.  Also, we are grateful for my brother and SIL, who are still our family.  They've been reading the same books we have, and truly understand.  

We've wondered too if we should attend funerals.  That used to be my great fear:  "What if one of my parents dies before we reconcile, and I have to go to a funeral?"  Now I've addressed that in my mind in two parts:  First, it's very likely that one or both parents will die before we reconcile, because we never will.  Second, if we don't go to the funeral, so what?  That's not the worst thing in the world.

Thanks for your story!

Nic:
Hi npenney and rob and everyone.
I know how you feel..I really do.
This winter, one of my favourite uncles died.  Because we were involved in this turmoil with my parents, and because I do not habitually read the obits in every newspaper I never knew he passed on until...Until, the day of the funeral, my mother left the newspaper clipping of his having dies and of course the advertisement of his funeral for that very day.
There was no way I could have gone because I was working..my wife was not wanted as well.  This is yet another example of how mean and vindictive these N parents can be.
What was I to do?  I wasn't even motivated to go next door ( yes Rob as you know I don't have the luxury of them living 6 houses down the street :( ).  I didn't react, which I think is really the best way to handle these people when it comes down to the crunch.  They just wait for you to react, they know, because they trained you, how you would react anyway right?  So I didn't react..and I allowed them and their warped imaginations do the rest.
Do not react, one would to anybody else especially normal people.  but not to Ns because deep down and on the surface they don't care about anybody else but themselves.  A hard truth to accept.  And what an insult to my mom's brother to deprive him of having everyone who grieved for him attend his funeral.  God knows however..remember that.
I gather you are both people of faith and this should bring comfort to you.  God knows..meditate on that...
Kind regards,
Nic 8)

rosencrantz:
Hi nPenney.  I struggle with your question "How do we explain to others" a lot.  I've been practising!

My conclusion is that people hear what they want to hear whatever you say!  

I told someone who I work closely with but who doesn't know my mother that I'd discovered she had a pesonality disorder and we discussed how fortunate it is to know these things so you can save it passing on to future generations.   :roll:

But I realised afterwards that even with such a short sentence I'd given him FAR too much information, he had no need to know, it makes no difference to my relationship with the world at large whatever my mother 'is'.  It doesn't make me any different - I just know WHY I am who I am and do what I do...

Then I told someone "my mother has a LOT of psychological problems and I'm only just realising the extent of it all.  But it's been a useful learning curve".   She related it to her own situation which many women of my age have - ageing parents needing as much support as growing children.  So...at least it gave me a way of excusing my recent 'absence' and preoccupation.

Getting closer to home : relatives.  I think you have to tackle them one by one and drip feed them what's really happening.  I now realise that the whole of my family is affected by this and there will be a lot of defences to 'break down'.  But once one person has 'seen the light', it gives you hope that more doors will open.  But beware the possibility that family would rather you become the scapegoat.

Community members - I think it's a combination of the last two.  Quite often there's a lot of 'truth' in what other people say and think - I think it's a case of accepting what they say and gradually putting forward that there's ALSO other aspects that they won't be aware of because they are not as close to the situation as you are.

The most difficult bit (for me) is the mental health and social services team who have NO IDEA what the problem really is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's they themselves who have given me the information that confirmed to me exactly what my mother is suffering from.  Her grandiosity and sense of entitlement were the most obvious ("I should have a better room than this", holding court in the day room, the paranoia about being neglected and believing nurses were abusing the other patients).  And they just don't 'get it'.  Heaven help them!!!

But, underlying all this, why are we so desperate to be understood???

For me, it used to be that my sanity was at risk - but now I know what I know, I guess that's no longer quite the same issue.  Desperation to be believed - needing validation and confirmation that my sense of reality is intact.  Well, I guess that's not quite so desperate now either.  I'd like people to think and to know that I'm a nice person really.  (It gave me great heart to hear that my mother was picking on the NICEST nurses to manipulate and be mean about!!!!! It made me feel that I must be nice, actually, too, after all!!!)

R

CC:
Hi Npenney, I struggle with the same thing.  I think it is around holidays, mostly, when people say "so are you going to see your family, etc" and there is the squirmy, uncomfortable moment when you are thinking, Okay, how do I word this.  My response is somewhat easier, because my brother, sister and husband's families are out of state, so that's an excuse - so we just say that we stay in town with my mom because she doesn't enjoy traveling at her age and have a quiet holiday with her.  

But other things come along, and usually about my sister, who is basically estranged from me.  I generally say, "my sister and I don't see eye to eye on most things so we get along better from a distance".  I really avoid saying things like "she's dysfunctional" or "we are estranged" because like rosencrantz said, it just leaves room for people to make their own speculations, and unfortunately not positively about YOU.  

It really sucks, doesn't it? Most people really don't understand. I've given a few close friends a peek into my healing, and they have said things to me like, "really?  gee, it seems like you and your mom get along GREAT " or "your mom seems really cool, I don't get it?" and so they walk away thinking you are making it up or that you are making something out of nothing, or the classic "but that childhood stuff is so long ago, why don't you get over it".  My best friend actually said that to me once.  So I have learned that you really should only share this kind of info with your support group, whatever it may be.  If you don't have one, get one.  You need it for validation, because people who have not experienced it cannot give it to you.  Thank God for this forum.  You are safe here.  Good Luck Npenney.

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