Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How do you explain to others?
Alan:
I have been told I talk too much, say too much. I don't care. The more I speak the better I feel, the quicker I heal. Sure, I pick my spots, but overall, I tell people if they ask.
I have learned, within reason, to reveal. It doesn't matter what others think in this area. They can't take anything away from me that I'm not willing to give.
--- Quote --- [The only way out is Through]
--- End quote ---
It works for me. It takes time and toughness to reach this point. If they don't understand, that's OK. I learned a long time ago. When I was going thru my first divorce, I mentioned it to a woman, she literally did not speak to me again for about 10 years. People really do not expect honesty. Be honest to yourself, reveal to others and an inner peace will arrive. My heart goes out to all on this post.[/quote]
seeker:
Hey everybody,
Just wanted to chime in again. This is a topic that I really struggle with constantly. Many of my neighbors know both me and my NSIL. And of course, outsiders/witnesses are required to take sides!
--- Quote ---I have learned, within reason, to reveal. It doesn't matter what others think in this area.
--- End quote ---
I appreciate Alan's input. I kept silent not because I cared what people think (well, maybe a little) but because I wanted the busybodies to figure it out for themselves just how twisted and needy this woman is. I cut off all contact, which meant that she would have only so many favors to use up with the neighbors before they realized just how draining she is really is. Like, no wonder your family doesn't support you any more, they're spent!! And other reasons I kept silent: a) that's what I always do, b) I couldn't figure out my own position because I didn't necessarily agree with the opposing camp vs. NSIL and finally c) I told myself I couldn't afford to care what other people thought anymore. Frankly, I have to admit that as emotionally unsafe as I felt around her, I can understand why she wouldn't feel safe around us.
But now that other people have witnessed my NSIL's bizarre behavior now that the children are old enough to drag the emotional stuff out into the open themselves, these neighbors will draw their own conclusions about what they can tolerate and what they can't. Who am I to tell them what to think? And wouldn't that be rather N of me anyway? But if asked about holidays I am now armed with something similar to CC's message (and Alan's strong attitude):
CC said:
--- Quote ---But other things come along, and usually about my sister, who is basically estranged from me. I generally say, "my sister and I don't see eye to eye on most things so we get along better from a distance". I really avoid saying things like "she's dysfunctional" or "we are estranged" because like rosencrantz said, it just leaves room for people to make their own speculations, and unfortunately not positively about YOU.
--- End quote ---
I would point out that it's simply a matter of incompatibility or chemistry. I like the phrase "getting along better from a distance." I will use that!
Good luck to you all, S.
Alan:
Thanks for the words. It's ironic that I found this message at this time.
I understand where you're coming from. I agree with you. I am sometimes a little nuts.
My N always wanted me to figure it out. I finally did, for me.
Because I "gave it away" to others, I "got it back". Pay it forward. I just watched it with my daughter. I cried. Thanks for being here.
Anna:
--- Quote from: rosencrantz ---But, underlying all this, why are we so desperate to be understood???
I am learning that "we" (the little voices, the voiceless) are so desperate to be understood because we have learned not to trust our own feelings, our own experiences through life. We seem to collectively feel an internal emptiness and continually search for who we are. Because we have such defective boundaries, we look for validation outside ourselves. We feel deficient inside and look to others to make up for these subconscious deficiencies. We need approval from outside sources to confirm that we exist .
As an aside, it's my understanding that the N was once the 'special child'. They enjoyed this wonderful bond, an adoration type of connection with mother. Then this bond got broken -- maybe by another sibling arriving or anything that crippled that emotional connection. The special child withdrew and began their omnipotent fantasies of self grandeur as a defense mechanism. The Ns are constantly struggling to recreate being that "chosen one".
Compare this with me/us -- I cannot even conceive of the idea of being a "special" one! I felt indebted just to be breathing and alive. I had to be the chameleon and be everything for everyone just trying to MAKE a CONNECTION --> ANY connection, anywhere with anyone just to fill the black hole inside. We compromise ourself at any price. The voiceless are constantly struggling to prove being worthy enough.
"What if one of my parents dies before we reconcile, and I have to go to a funeral?" Now I've addressed that in my mind in two parts: First, it's very likely that one or both parents will die before we reconcile, because we never will.
Lastly, just want to share that both my parents are now deceased, and I have to wonder what my life would have been like if this were not the case. When my Nmother was dying 12 years ago, I practically RAN to therapy as often as I could afford so that I could find some forgiveness. I was terrified that without some type of forgiveness for her, I would be lost in an abyss of self-hatred forever (because weren't we "fused"?). Fortunately I was in a semi-good enough place to say goodbye and not self destruct too. At that point, I honestly could not understand emotionally how she could die and I was still here ----- psychically(is that a word?) and emotionally ----- how could I be left behind? That beginning of forgiveness was merely the tip of the iceberg for me. It's still wrenching to remember how sad sad sad sad sad the funeral was because there was not ONE soul who came for her. Only immediate family.
It's my understanding that my mother was born to a large family. Her parents decided they couldn't "afford" her and sent her to live with strangers. Of course this little child was wounded. Now years later, I am working to heal the damage and stop the cycle in myself and my own family. The human psyche is so fragile. I don't believe that these Ns are born bad so I try to keep that perspective when I feel attacked and threatened by other Ns. :wink: As always, love to hear your perspectives...
--- End quote ---
Alan:
I just lost a big reply. Oh well.
If you believe in basic psychological tenants, if we didnt' get the building blocks early in life, we will have this emptiness inside, which is something Ns exploit.
Therapy, if worked at, will give us those tools to understand why things are the way they are. The therapist should become the "parent" we never had, our advocate. This is also standard. If we couldn't get knowledge and develop boundries from our parents, then, we need to get it from somewhere or someone. I am a product of this concept.
I believe we don't need validation from outside to confirm we exist, it's to confirm we matter. It's a basic human need, to mean something to ourselves or someone else. If we didn't get the proper building blocks early on, we then walk around empty inside. It never fully leaves us, but, we are in better position to take care of ourselves. I know it has for me. I am an Emotional Warrior, but, the garbage can leak out. Ns prove that to us.
I am beginning to see the tho he wasn't, my father's mother was an N. I need to continue to ponder that. He was never emotionally there for my family and my mother and brother, 3 years after his death, they are still struggling with it. I am not bec. through help, I have truly resolve my issues with him. I'm OK
My N on the other hand, is still wrestling with it. She stills moves between the pain of his rejection of her (not understanding her) and the reconciliation they had one week before he died. And he died 30 years ago.
My N projects all her problems on others, and in this divorce situation, it becomes obvious everytime I talk to her. As posted elsewhere, after my first divorce, I learned and researched and studied what most humans need, want and should work at to find a healthy relationship. I took that into this marriage. She said to me the other night that I "have been running away from it" all my life (another part of her defense of "projection" which, now that I am aware, I see in almost every response she has to me). Interestingly, when she did go to therapy (which she doesn't really believe in) the therapist gave us tools to workout out problems. When it came time to put it into practice, she refused. Her attitude is that most people who are in therapy cannot think for themselves, that they rely on the therapist to tell us what to do, that we can't think for ourselves. How arrogant (hmm, an N symptom). She believes that all healing comes only from our own heart, and it must be free from outside influences. She can't fathom the notion that we need to collect all the info we don't have and then make healthy choices from all the input. I agree some folks will use the therapist to tell them what to do, those who can't or won't go to the dark places and feel the original pain to move forward.
Unless it is genetic, Ns are not born bad. They have had bad things forced upon them. And they refuse to see the pain they have and inflict on others.
We heal at our own pace, but we do heal.
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