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How do you explain to others?

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Anna:

--- Quote from: Alan ---I believe we don't need validation from outside to confirm we exist, it's to confirm we matter.  
--- End quote ---


..... that we matter.  Good word.  More clear.  I like that.  Thanks Alan.

Alan:
You are very welcome.  Exact words indicate exact feelings. And they attack the tapes that play in our heads.  My N's words were usually inexact or false.  When words and behavior don't work, there is a problem to be found.

Discounted Girl:
I don't like to sound bitter -- sure is hard though. I think everyday about how I will handle the time when my mother passes. I have no intentions of attending the funeral. I refuse to be a hypocrite. I have not spoken to her since she threw me out of the house on the day of my father's funeral -- she is the QueenN and if she is not the star of whatever stage is playing, she will create a scene and make the focus on herself, no matter how disgusting. I have exhausted my mind, eyes from from reading and mouth from talking trying to figure out how she got this way. But you know what -- she is just plain mean and nasty, hateful, a liar, fake and cheater. A wild animal in the woods has more love for her offspring than my mother ever had for me. I was abandoned in a most hypocritcal way -- unobservable to the outside, but yet so many through the years knew something was "not quite right." So did I, but I thought it was ME ????? I only learned of the N thing after my father passed. I am furious with myself for not knowing this before and for going around with blinders and being her/their rube, bafoon, scapegoat, whatever. People say, oh she was/is just jealous of you and what you made of yourself. My children have advanced in their education and careers beyond me (I made sure of it) and I am not envious of that -- I am proud of them and wish only the very very best for them. Oh well, now my heart is pounding hard again. If I could rent a cloud that would pass over the whole world and would tell everyone what a witch she is and what she did to me, I would be very happy. Not because I want any apologies or anything at all from her (I enjoy the silence of her big mouth harping on me) but I cannot shake the NEED? for others to ACKNOWLEDGE? (they don't need to understand or agree or anything) I don't know about VALIDATE? this life situation I have lived in and still am ALIVE !!! and not in a psycho ward somewhere. While I may leave this world tomorrow, it is probable that she will die before me, and then others will look at me and think,,, ohhh, she should have overlooked all that -- let bygones by bygones, made an attempt to make things right. I swear if anyone says that to me, I will lose it. I may wind up totally alone in this world, because I cannot abide fakes and phonies and artificial relationships. My aunts have said to me "we cannot understand how you came out of all this so sweet, smart and kind" -- but yet, they sit/sat in her presence and listened to the LIES about me and my husband. I did not know that was going on and noone felt I should know. I have been so betrayed by just about everyone and I just cannot figure out why. Oh well, sorry to blabber on and on -- this NPD thing is new to me and I think it must be some hush-hush type disorder or else very rare, but it sure is a killer if you are a sensitive person. I used to think my depression was from my sensitive mind, or my sensitive mind was from my depression, now I know the whole thing is from my N mother. It is just so nasty and dirty to think I was a little baby and she hated me -- it makes my skin crawl. Sometimes I wonder if she tried or thought about killing me as an infant -- I think she is capable of that -- she might have if she thought she could have gotten away with it. My father kept her in check so she didn't go TOO overboard, but in his later years, he seemed to copycat her N ways. I think he got sick and she got too powerful and he just gave in. It's nasty nasty this N stuff -- wicked and evil and I don't have any pity on the N's only those they abuse. Thanks for listening -- now my head is also pounding .

Tinkergirl:
hi discounted girl,

i can identify with your entire post, and i wanted to say thanks for sharing.  the one thing that i wish for you though is to grow out and through that anger...by remaining so sensitive and angry towards your N mom you are still allowing her the power to affect your life (even your body...considering your heart and head were pounding after the post).  all of your emotions are so completely valid but i would hate for you to continue allowing her one ounce of power in your life.  you are so much more, so much better than that.  i wish for you to find some way to accept her horrible behavior for what it is and just get sad about it, certainly to mourn the loss of the mother you never had, but also to just pity a woman who has such illness and hatred in her bones.  she is very alone, even if she does have "followers".

i allowed my N mom (unwittingly) to rule my behavior for 30 years and i had to put my foot down once and for all.  yes, we don't speak anymore either but the key to really getting out from under her reign is to unlearn her horrid behaviors (like anger) and not forgive her, but to forgive yourself for every feeling you ever have.  not to make excuses for yourself and not to allow her or anyone to make your heart or head pound out of anger and despair ever again.  you won't ever be alone if you can break out of the N mom spell of hurt and anger...she has taught you all too well how to direct it towards yourself.  stop the cycle and give up trying to get anyone to acknowledge your life (i desperately wanted that too).  the only one who will validate it will be you (you lived with the monster behind closed doors), and you know you are speaking the truth.  take care.

seeker:
hello everyone,

In answering the question, how do you explain to others, it occurred to me that perhaps it is our similar profound experiences that bring us together.  I'm thinking of war buddies, new mothers, etc.  One of my children has a learning difference.  It is a subtle, invisible handicap (like being voiceless  :wink: ).  I've tried explaining to parents whose children don't have this issue, and it just bounces off and falls on the floor, even though they want to understand.  Only people who have walked that mile in our shoes will get it.  And fortunately for us, there is this "voiceless" board to help us find each other.

This quote from Discounted Girl (love that handle!) caught my eye:


--- Quote ---she is the QueenN and if she is not the star of whatever stage is playing, she will create a scene and make the focus on herself, no matter how disgusting
--- End quote ---


My NSIL adopted a second child to "create a scene" when someone else just had one.  We were expected to be there when she was ready to say "catch!" once the novelty wore off.  Plus, if you rally around, you are interfering and if you stay back, you don't care.  I get to pick how I lose.  OK, I don't care.  And that was really hard because I felt pretty bad for the adopted boy who was out of the frying pan and into the fire, as far as I could tell.

I just rented Chicago finally and of course as a "cellophane" person, I saw the whole thing as a statement on Narcissism, which I guess was the point.  One of the lines that really stuck was "what are you going to believe? What ya saw or what I tell ya?"   :shock: That hits on Truth.  I am beginning to realize that everyone has their own "truth" and my own "truth" is necessary for ME, not for anyone else.  Other people are going to believe what they need to believe whether or not it is the "truth" or it is "reality".  

The other thing that was weird in the movie was the competitiveness between the two lead characters.  They both knew they were both phonies.  They never believe anyone!  They only see ploys for attention.

But it is what it is.  One lesson I am learning is, the more you fight something, the more power you give it.  So, D.G., next time you feel caught up in a web of anger, try thinking of the Devil's Snare in the Harry Potter movie. The heroes had to relax to get out of it.  It helps me sometimes.

Thanks for reading this ramble and for your attention  :) S.

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