Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mother's Day??
Caroline:
For those of you with N mothers, I was wondering whether anyone else out there was agonizing/stressing/feeling blue about Mother's Day coming up.
Typically, I send my N mother flowers, just to placate her and to avoid conflict. However, last year, she barely acknowledged my gift (I know she received it) and she hasn't called me in the last 18 months. My gifts are never good enough anyway -- she always has something to criticize -- and I 'm contemplating just sending a card, but I know this will make her furious (especially because she has been sending gifts for my daughter all year and therefore expects something in return). I know that she would LOVE a card/gift exclusively from my daughter, but I won't do that for her as this would feed into her delusion that she can have a relationship with my girl. Anyway, I was curious as to how you all were going to handle the day...
I'm also feeling a little down because Mother's Day remind me of how screwed up everything is. I'm trying to focus on celebrating MY motherhood instead, but N mom is always in the back of my mind..... can I have an exorcism or something to purge her from my head???
-Caroline
Wildflower:
Hi Caroline,
This is a tough one for me, too, so I'm not sure if there's a right way to handle this, but here's what has worked for me in dealing with my father (still fuzzy on mom issues). I do what I feel comfortable with, and for me, at this time, that is doing what most people would do for these special occasions - without expecting a normal response. It's my way of being healthy, being normal, being in this world. If they can't live up to the other end of that bargain, there's not much I can do. And at least I'm not feeling like a horrible person by not sending a card, wishing happy birthday, etc.
That's just what works for me, though. Many people on this board have had different solutions, including ending all contact because it can be risky to one's health. I wish you all the luck with this. There are a couple of threads on this topic, too, so it may help to read those to see if any of their solutions fit.
--- Quote ---I'm also feeling a little down because Mother's Day remind me of how screwed up everything is. I'm trying to focus on celebrating MY motherhood instead
--- End quote ---
This is such a nice thought - focusing on your own motherhood. Maybe you do your duty on Mother's Day, and then spend the rest of the day celebrating your own successes - and loving your family. It's just a thought.
hugs,
Wildflower
Caroline:
Thanks wildflower,
For some reason, I didn't find the other M-day thread when i searched earlier... :oops:
I like your response though --
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---I do what I feel comfortable with, and for me, at this time, that is doing what most people would do for these special occasions - without expecting a normal response. It's my way of being healthy, being normal, being in this world. If they can't live up to the other end of that bargain, there's not much I can do. And at least I'm not feeling like a horrible person by not sending a card, wishing happy birthday, etc.
--- End quote ---
I do want to recognize her in some way because I think she tried her best with me, screwy as it may be, but I don't want to get sucked into her crazy world or feel like a horrible person.
Thanks for the support!
Caroline
Wildflower:
Hi Caroline,
No worries about not seeing the other thread :D. It's hard enough time keeping up with all the posts on one thread much less all the posts on this board :D. Just wanted you to know there were other solutions out there aside from mine.
--- Quote ---I do want to recognize her in some way because I think she tried her best with me, screwy as it may be, but I don't want to get sucked into her crazy world or feel like a horrible person.
--- End quote ---
That doesn't sound screwy at all. She probably did do her best, but unfortunately that doesn't mean you didn't get hurt along the way. If she ignored the flowers before, maybe that's the right thing to do again (re: not getting sucked in). I know it must hurt to have your gesture ignored - especially since I bet you put a lot of thought into it - but it may be the safest/most appropriate thing to do.
I completely agree with not sending a card from your daughter, by the way. That's not something to encourage - at all. One of those, once you start how do you pull back kind of things. When your daughter is old enough to write a card herself, she can decide whether to send a card - with your support in case it doesn't go well.
I'm curious, though. Why hasn't she contacted you in the last 18 months?
Wildflower
Wildflower:
Hi Caroline,
Just in case I misunderstood you, here are two Mother's Day-related posts (some even changed to Daughter's Day :D):
http://voicelessness.com/disc3/viewtopic.php?t=333&highlight=mothers
http://voicelessness.com/disc3/viewtopic.php?t=343
hugs,
Wildflower
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