Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mother's Day??
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Caroline ---For those of you with N mothers, I was wondering whether anyone else out there was agonizing/stressing/feeling blue about Mother's Day coming up.
--- End quote ---
Hi Caroline and everyone. I am new to this forum although I've spent about two weeks reading and re-reading every post relating to N-Mothers. Until now I had no idea what was wrong, even bizarre, in my relationship with my mother. It has been like hundreds of light bulbs going off in my head as I read so many posts that described, almost word for word, experiences that are so similar to what I've experienced. Since my father passed away 3 years ago, my mothers behavior has escalated. All the controls are off and where she used to be able to mask her anger and self absorbtion, she no longer seems to have that ability, except among strangers.
Although I have been attempting to distance myself from her, I live in the same community and since she is 79 years old I have called her every Saturday or Sunday to see if she needs groceries. She is not a safe driver, and her license expired two weeks ago. This is an except from how the conversation went today:
Me: Hi, how is everything? I called to see if you need anything from the store today.
NMother: I have learned that if I need anything I'd better find a way to get it myself instead of waiting for anyone to have time for me.
Me: So, have you heard from (my brother)? (trying to be conversational here)
NMother: No, I guess he thinks I'm evil too.
I have called her EVERY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY for 4 years to see if she needs anything! :? plus phone calls every day to make sure she's ok and hasn't fallen down the stairs since she refuses to move from the two story house where she lives alone. Long story short (too late, I know), we had a falling out in February when she called me to accuse my nephew of breaking into her house during the night and stealing money from her. This was so absurd that I suggested she might have misplaced the envelope with money in it, which it turns out she had. But she became enraged because "you didn't react the way I expected you to (her words). I don't know why you don't think he'd be capable of stealing from me. You certainly would." :shock:
There's more of course, but thanks for allowing me to vent in your forum. This has all been an enormous revelation and I'm really grateful that so many are able and willing to express these things. And I'd love to hear more thoughts on Mothers Day. I'll probably just send a card and try again to distance myself. I just feel so sad for what she's become. And always has been as I look back on it. Age has a way of making us more of who we are, and that's not always a good thing.
Singer
Singer:
I just re-read my post and I realize I forgot to mention that I hadn't spoken to NMother from February 7 until last week. Prior to that I had been calling her about 5 times a week. These weren't short conversations either. Usually 45 minutes to an hour and a half. All one-sided. Sorry, folks, I'm a little befuddled. My usual state after one of those conversations. AND I forgot to log on :oops: .
Singer
Wildflower:
Hi Singer and welcome! :D
--- Quote ---Since my father passed away 3 years ago, my mothers behavior has escalated. All the controls are off and where she used to be able to mask her anger and self absorbtion, she no longer seems to have that ability, except among strangers.
"you didn't react the way I expected you to (her words). I don't know why you don't think he'd be capable of stealing from me. You certainly would."
--- End quote ---
Ouch...and oh boy :roll: . I just took a peek in on my way out the door and read this and I just had to reply. This is my grandmother. She’s on her “death bed” right now and one of the last things I heard from her was how everyone had forsaken her – even God. What had she done??? Rrrrg. Well, I won’t go into that long laundry list, but the bit about deteriorating really struck me, too.
My step-grandfather (good man, love him dearly, really my grandfather so I’ll continue to call him that here) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago – just when my grandmother was starting to pull out ALL of the attention-getting stops. My grandfather hadn’t developed any signs yet, he just had the marker – and his older brother had died earlier that year (the reason he went in for testing). My grandfather was grieving over the loss of his brother and (being a psychiatrist) terrified and depressed about his inevitable decline into Alzheimer’s. What does my grandmother do? Support him? Nope. She gets competitive with him. :shock: Starts pretending she’s more forgetful than he is (he hadn’t developed signs yet!) and she would call me telling me how hard it was to live with him because (in a hissed whisper) "he was so damn forgetful". Arrrgh. :evil:
Well, the last time I saw my grandmother, my grandfather was a complete wreck (he had always been a solid quiet stoic man before). I went into my grandmother’s bedroom to chat with her, and she pulled the most pitiful act she could muster (couldn’t even hold the tube of Ben-Gay). I got irritated with her and left the room to console my grandfather who was sobbing at this point because she was going to die (it's been YEARS since, mind you). The next day, I went back in her room, and there she was. Fully dressed, sitting upright on the edge of the bed, wanting to chat like school girls. And then (in front of my grandfather) she actually got up and sprightly walked around the room to turn on all the lamps. This from a woman who could barely lift her head the day before. She really would do anything for attention – so much so that she could no longer keep her story straight.
For people from functional families, they may assume that she was putting on a strong face for me, but for months after this incident, my grandmother had “emergencies” at a predictable time (4AM) that involved my uncle getting up, leaving his family, and driving her to the ER (never mind that she had a full-time nurse duty). One night, exhausted and frustrated, he finally told her to call 911 – and the emergencies stopped (not without a bit of screaming, though). It's gut wrenching to leave someone who appears so sick and in need, but in my book, she’s cried wolf a few too many times – and never once apologized or considered the needs of her family.
Whew, sorry. My point (other than venting along with you :roll: :D) is that they probably will get worse – my grandmother used to be the epitome of Charming Southern Belle and it was so difficult to see through her games. Now, though, they’re obvious. Which is good for my mom and her brothers in the sense that they can finally see how crazy she is – without the veneer of control.
My other point? Vent away. That’s what this board can be really good for (along with getting supportive feedback).
Good luck and you're so not alone,
Wildflower
Singer:
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---Hi Singer and welcome! :D
--- End quote ---
Thank you :D
--- Quote from: Wildflower ---
My step-grandfather (good man, love him dearly, really my grandfather so I’ll continue to call him that here) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a few years ago – just when my grandmother was starting to pull out ALL of the attention-getting stops.
--- End quote ---
The one thing that really strikes me, and leaves me speechless (as opposed to voiceless) is the remarkable similarity of so many of the events and in the N's behavior. My father, also a gentle and stoic man, developed some mild dementia in his last years. He remained gentle and kind, but increasingly dependent upon my NMother, who, although formerly healthy, became plagued with mysterious pains to the extent that she, and not my father, had to seek emergency treatment on the Christmas night prior to his death in early January. Of course, no treatment was prescribed, since no ailment was discovered. Every phone call or visit revolved around lengthy descriptions of her discomfort. But, not surprisingly, the mysterious pains disappeared soon after his death. Of course the obvious explanation is that she was suffering from stress related pain, and although that is quite plausible it's all a matter of degree and intent. The intent being to keep the focus on her.
Two days before his funeral she tried to tell me that she suspected him of molesting a child during his military service in WWII and asked if he had ever behaved "suspiciously" around me. I was absolutely dumbfounded, shocked and in grief. But she became enraged that I didn't take her vicious suspicions seriously, :( and that I defended my father's memory. She said the reason he was kind to me was because he was used to dealing with low life failures since all the women in his family were sluts. She wouldn't acknowledge either me or my two daughters during the service or for quite a few weeks after.
I guess what gets to me is that for most of my life I believed that my mother was everything that she claimed. Beautiful, sensitive to a fault, beloved by everyone she met (that is, until they got to know her) and although unworthy, I was blessed just to be born her child. Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous. :(
I have a feeling it's going to take a while to absorb this bitter knowledge. Thanks for listening.
Singer
Wildflower:
Hi Singer,
Wow, no kidding about the similarities! Yuck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this from your mother. And I'm so sorry that she took up all the attention when your dad was dying. That must have been so hard.
--- Quote ---Two days before his funeral she tried to tell me that she suspected him of molesting a child during his military service in WWII and asked if he had ever behaved "suspiciously" around me. I was absolutely dumbfounded, shocked and in grief. But she became enraged that I didn't take her vicious suspicions seriously, and that I defended my father's memory. She said the reason he was kind to me was because he was used to dealing with low life failures since all the women in his family were sluts. She wouldn't acknowledge either me or my two daughters during the service or for quite a few weeks after.
--- End quote ---
I know it must be hard coming to terms with this stuff (I'm struggling on that end, too), but I have to say, this had me so steamed. :evil: I'm so glad for you that you were able to see through her games and not lose faith in your dad. What a low blow. :evil:
--- Quote ---Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous.
--- End quote ---
I hope you don't believe this about yourself (I know how these thoughts can seep in). If you do, think about the person who gave you those ideas - and kick 'em out the door.
Hang in there, Singer.
hugs,
Wildflower
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